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Brownly

Has anyone who's H+ have or have not transmitted to H-

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Has anyone who's been in monogamous relationships who are h+ who have or have not transmitted it to their h- partner while being VERY careful not to transmit. Like taking suppressives or not taking any, with or without condoms, only having sex when there were no signs of OB or during OB. Has anyone mot been successful in their relationship to not transmit? How many years did you date that person, are you still with that person?  Have the h- taken the IgG blood tests specifically for HSV 1/2 and it came back negative each time? Are there any long term success stories for not transmitting the virus to a non carrier. How did you keep from transferring the virus? I'm a year and want to see the success and the unsuccessful results. Thanks.

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I too want to hear about this... I'm thinking about getting back with my ex who is H- but I have not yet disclosed (not been sexual yet) and I'm not sure how he's going to take it... I feel like its a lot of pressure for people to have to use protection every time and always have the worry of catching it from a partner. It makes me helpless. 

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22 minutes ago, alllgood said:

I too want to hear about this... I'm thinking about getting back with my ex who is H- but I have not yet disclosed (not been sexual yet) and I'm not sure how he's going to take it... I feel like its a lot of pressure for people to have to use protection every time and always have the worry of catching it from a partner. It makes me helpless. 

I feel like if you can give him some info on this with some stats he'd be more understanding of the situation. I feel it's all about presentation, giving both the risks and success of dealing with a H+ partner. I just got back with my ex. I caught GHSV while we was broken up. Luckily he took me back despite my situation, shows me how much he must really love me to take that risk.

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15 hours ago, Brownly said:

I feel like if you can give him some info on this with some stats he'd be more understanding of the situation. I feel it's all about presentation, giving both the risks and success of dealing with a H+ partner. I just got back with my ex. I caught GHSV while we was broken up. Luckily he took me back despite my situation, shows me how much he must really love me to take that risk.

I am planning to see him this weekend and hoping it will go the same way for me, as I too caught it on our break up. I just hate the fact that we always have to be so careful with each other, I don't want there to be unappealing or scary barriers during sex... Has sex with him changed for you? 

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8 hours ago, alllgood said:

I am planning to see him this weekend and hoping it will go the same way for me, as I too caught it on our break up. I just hate the fact that we always have to be so careful with each other, I don't want there to be unappealing or scary barriers during sex... Has sex with him changed for you? 

Well I got back with my ex in February after disclosing, feeling assured we will jump back into sex as long as we are very careful and he agrees. Now here we are in September and we still haven't had actual sex although he keeps telling me he will soon, he's not scared, etc but he's been saying this since we got back together back in February! Ugh. :classic_unsure: We bought a dildo, he doesnt finger me, we don't kiss during that time,  we use condoms or dental dams during oral. I feel that this isn't satisfying or fulfilling enough for me. I don't feel connected intimately. I'm sexually frustrated and annoyed but also trying to give him time to come to grips with this new reality. I'm patiently waiting but feel it won't happen anytime soon at the rate he's moving. I hope things work out for you and him. All I can say is just be prepared for the good and the difficult times this virus brings into relationships. I'm struggling with this every day. Hopefully it starts getting better because I'm starting to loose hope. 

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Yup, passed it to one long term partner while always using condoms after about a year (no antivirals) and to another after about a year while on antivirals (he did not want to use condoms and was willing to risk it).  I am really REALLY up front when I disclose that there is always the possibility the partner can get it regardless off how low the stats are.  I am not a fan of using stats to convince someone the risk is low; they can still get it!  With that said, my sexual relationships (which are always part of a romantic relationship for me) are only with men who care about me and like me enough to accept the risk as a reality.  I also want to have great sex so being with someone who is not comfortable and needs a lot of barriers would not be an option. 

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2 minutes ago, LoveTheMountains said:

Yup, passed it to one long term partner while always using condoms after about a year (no antivirals) and to another after about a year while on antivirals (he did not want to use condoms and was willing to risk it).  I am really REALLY up front when I disclose that there is always the possibility the partner can get it regardless off how low the stats are.  I am not a fan of using stats to convince someone the risk is low; they can still get it!  With that said, my sexual relationships (which are always part of a romantic relationship for me) are only with men who care about me and like me enough to accept the risk as a reality.  I also want to have great sex so being with someone who is not comfortable and needs a lot of barriers would not be an option. 

Thank you for your honest response.

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Your welcome @Brownly, I should add, I dated one man when I was much younger who was very squeamish about it anytime he was with me- whatever we were doing.  It wreaked havoc  on my self esteem. Unfortunately I hadn't gotten to a place where I was truly accepting of myself back then, if not I'd have cut him off asap. Now a-days I find I have had partners I can't keep off me lol!  I love myself and accept myself and I think it makes all the difference in the world!!

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Yes, I've been in three intimate relationships where my H- partner has not been transmitted H. I am a female, so I believe that makes the stats lower as all my partners since my H+ status have been men. As soon as I found out about my + status I started on Valcyclovir daily. Whenever I feel so much as an ingrown hair (aka any symptoms that might correspond to an outbreak) I start to take double doses of Valcyclovir (as discussed per my doctor) and this has seemed to prevent most outbreaks. When I happen to feel a possible outbreak I'll wait a few days to have sex with my partner as well. 

One partner was a one-time, no condom, and verbally says they do not have it. The second was an off-and-on friends with benefits type situation for over half a year, and we both got full panel tests done every three months, including after the last time we were intimate. His IgG blood tests showed H- the whole way through. My current partner, whom I've been with for over a year and will likely be with for the rest of my life (hopefully!) has just the IgG blood tests done every few months, and a swab if he feels something is not right. This way he can be put on anti-virals if he does happen to get it. But after a year, he is still H- every time, all tests.

After disclosing with all these partners and personal preferences, personal histories and trusting past panels, most encounters were no-condom. Specifically my previous partner, whom I was with for months at a time, and my current partner who I am still with for over a year. So yeah, it's def possible to not transmit.

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I haven't passed herpes to a partner and have been married to my wife of 4 years, who hasn't gotten it yet. But be careful of assigning risk via people's personal stories since even though the risk is low across the general population, either someone gets 100% of herpes or 0%, no in between. But being open about it and having an open dialogue not just about herpes, but about sex and sexuality goes a long way to protecting your partner. Communication is the first line of defense to keeping your partners as safe (and loved) as possible. 

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My significant other knew he had it and did not tell me. We only had sex 3 times since getting back together. He was taking antivirals and did not have an OB. He passed it to me. 

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19 hours ago, organicmama said:

My significant other knew he had it and did not tell me. We only had sex 3 times since getting back together. He was taking antivirals and did not have an OB. He passed it to me. 

Can I ask a question.  Did he use protection, condoms each time?

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On 9/19/2018 at 2:30 PM, organicmama said:

My significant other knew he had it and did not tell me. We only had sex 3 times since getting back together. He was taking antivirals and did not have an OB. He passed it to me. 

I also want to say that was very deceitful of your partner to not disclose that to you. I feel like my ex knew and was taking antivirals and passed to me the first time we had unprotected sex. Even after confronting him he acted oblivious to it. I try not to get angry thinking about it. 

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On 9/20/2018 at 9:56 PM, Brownly said:

I also want to say that was very deceitful of your partner to not disclose that to you. I feel like my ex knew and was taking antivirals and passed to me the first time we had unprotected sex. Even after confronting him he acted oblivious to it. I try not to get angry thinking about it. 

It was extremely deceitful. I honestly haven't even been able to process it. I have only been focusing on my health and my child. I am going to therapy this week to start processing what he did. Honestly, when I think about it I become so angry and upset. I just cannot do that to myself right now because I need to keep my stress low and focusing on what you cannot change does not do any good.

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Hi

I was with one partner for 6 years, did not take anti virals & did not use protection,
avoided sex when I had an OB & never passed it on.

I've had sex with 3 different partners since & have not passed it on.
I have started being safer now & using protection.

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On 9/15/2018 at 12:01 AM, LoveTheMountains said:

Yup, passed it to one long term partner while always using condoms after about a year (no antivirals) and to another after about a year while on antivirals (he did not want to use condoms and was willing to risk it).  I am really REALLY up front when I disclose that there is always the possibility the partner can get it regardless off how low the stats are.  I am not a fan of using stats to convince someone the risk is low; they can still get it!  With that said, my sexual relationships (which are always part of a romantic relationship for me) are only with men who care about me and like me enough to accept the risk as a reality.  I also want to have great sex so being with someone who is not comfortable and needs a lot of barriers would not be an option. 

How often did you and your partners have sex, was it a couple times a week, few times a month. Where you guys very sexually active? how many times in a day?

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On 9/15/2018 at 12:10 PM, LoveTheMountains said:

Your welcome @Brownly, I should add, I dated one man when I was much younger who was very squeamish about it anytime he was with me- whatever we were doing.  It wreaked havoc  on my self esteem. Unfortunately I hadn't gotten to a place where I was truly accepting of myself back then, if not I'd have cut him off asap. Now a-days I find I have had partners I can't keep off me lol!  I love myself and accept myself and I think it makes all the difference in the world!!

Hi LoveTheMountain,

Can you share with us how you got to a place where you love and accept yourself after getting this? I want partners to not keep off me too lol 

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I've been with my girlfriend for 2,5 years now and have not passed it to her. We always use condoms. I did, however, give her HSV-1 on the lips because I get cold sores every few years..luckily it doesn't bother her physically or mentally that much.

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Hi,

I have been with my husband for 13 years, we’ve never used a condom, I don’t take anti vitals, barely get outbreaks but of course avoid contact during, and he is still negative :). 

when I first disclosed, his response was “do you really think I’m gonna break up with you over a cold sore?” (I have HSV 2 genital) but that’s still just how he sees it. No stress on either end :). we also had a healthy baby. 

Dont make it a bigger deal than it is! 

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I've had long stints between being on here and just noticed 2 questions directed at me! Sorry for the late reply!

@Brownly  Our sex frequency was probably typical of relationships; very frequent daily in the beginning....tapering off over the course of the 2+ years together. When he got it I think we were probably having sex about once a month. He wasn't being very nice to me at that point in our relationship so he wasn't getting it much!  

@Jasmine10  Lol unfortunately coming to the point of loving and accepting myself took a looooong time. Like 2 decades.  I've written about this elsewhere...I'll try to find it and link to it.  I got HSV at age 16 just before the dawn of the internet (haha that really dates me).  I literally looked it up in the Encyclopedia and so the extent of my knowledge about HSV for many years was based on a short paragraph and nothing more. No support groups, no questions answered.  And I was too young and terrified to talk to a dr.  If I had access to something like this site back then I know it would have given me years of peace of mind so much earlier that I can't get back now.  I'm in my early 40's now.

Honestly some of this confidence and acceptance is actually a bi-product of age!  But that's overall confidence. As for acceptance of HSV all I can say is really dive into the forums to remind yourself you are not alone (I can't tell you how alone I felt all those years).  If you haven't already, go to school or get a career you are proud of and thrive in (BUT don't lose yourself in your work just to hide from dealing with this issue; I definitely did a lot of that). Travel!!!! I love travel and all the experiences its given me. Ironically not accepting H launched me into lots of traveling too, it was my way of avoiding relationships I think.  And gave me the excuse with friends and family of why I hadn't settled down...can't...I'm traveling! So my reasons for traveling initially were a cop-out "running away", but I'm recommending travel because it is an amazing education in itself and reminds you that things out there are so much bigger than you and herpes.  Overall find ways to be happy and vivacious about life. Luckily I had that quality already, I just had to learn to keep the H part of my life from sending me on a downward spiral.  People just find that vivaciousness sexy and want to be near that; hence the "can't keep them off me" comment lol.  On a related side note though, don't get me wrong, I feel like at times it can be harder than ever these days to get things started with a man but I really blame that on our technologically dependent lifestyles these days. (There's stuff that's been written about this lately); people are just more hesitant to flirt and start up a conversation in the real world because everyone's gotten so used to online dating and social media.  With that in mind, that's how the happy/vivacious personality helps; people gravitate to that in this day and age of heads- down- looking- at- our -phones!  

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@Jasmine10  Here is a link to an older topic I replied in. In it I outlined my major dating/disclosure experiences over the last 2 decades and you can kinda see my progression with self acceptance and confidence.  You can also see some of the pitfalls of not having that (like dating men who weren't good for me b/c I didn't love myself enough at the time). Hope its helpful!

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On 10/23/2018 at 12:44 PM, antifragile said:

I've been with my girlfriend for 2,5 years now and have not passed it to her. We always use condoms. I did, however, give her HSV-1 on the lips because I get cold sores every few years..luckily it doesn't bother her physically or mentally that much.

Antifragile. I know this is an old post, but were you on antivirals? Or just condoms? 

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On 8/21/2019 at 1:12 AM, LoveTheMountains said:

@Jasmine10  Here is a link to an older topic I replied in. In it I outlined my major dating/disclosure experiences over the last 2 decades and you can kinda see my progression with self acceptance and confidence.  You can also see some of the pitfalls of not having that (like dating men who weren't good for me b/c I didn't love myself enough at the time). Hope its helpful!

ahhhh thank you thank you thank you. i have gotten a relapse in my mental health cos of this stupid thing and found myself crawling back to this forum for some solace and saw your replies!!! THANK YOU!! I would like to get into the place of being happy and confident in disclosing too and have men still falling over their feet to be with me lol 

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On 9/26/2019 at 1:18 AM, VhYolo said:

Antifragile. I know this is an old post, but were you on antivirals? Or just condoms? 

Hi, I'm not on antivirals but the reason why condoms seem to work very well for me is that it covers the place where I had my initial outbreak. I don't get a lot of visible symptoms (except for a weird cut that I had this week) but I do get nerve tingling an such on almost daily basis. But it's all quite close to the tip of the penis so it's covered by the condom quite well. 

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@Jasmine10 You're welcome. Hang in there. Never stop working on your mental health and also never stop "living life" either.  If there's another thing I've learned over time, everytime you think you've got life figured out and things are going good things change again. We're always in a state of flux. Just keep pushing through!  I have been coming back here periodically not bc of H but bc I'm dealing with some unrelated and more serious health issues that have started up in my life and are bringing me down emotionally. Coming to this site and seeing if I can help anyone deal with H (which is a small potatoes to me) helps take my mind off my other health issues and its greatly needed right now! 

In other news...I've had 3 different dates with 3 men in the past few weeks lol! All very nice. One was from a brief online dating attempt I did a couple months ago before I got too busy. Another was a past coworker that we only recently found out about our mutual attraction. And the other was at a place I get my vehicle worked on repeatedly-  I've spend enough money there, someone better take me out to lunch lol! I wasn't really expecting any of this as I have been focused on other things. But its been a nice distraction too.  I'm starting to feel a spark with one of them and we are going to go out this week again. I think I'm going to have the talk then bc he revealed some major issues going on in his life on our first date that he wanted me to know about.  I tend to be a 3rd date "discloser" for some reason. But I know he was extremely nervous and brave to discuss his situation with me so I feel I owe the same sooner.  I thought about doing it our first date when he opened up to me but also thought weirdly I didn't want to "steal the show" since he really needed to talk.  Anyway my whole point about these dates ties to my statement earlier about living life. I know I'm dealing with other crap right now but I'll be damned if I'm not going to get out there and enjoy someone's company bc life is too short.  

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