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Hsv1 diagnosis last week: have questions, need help

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I haven’t been in a real relationship with steady intimacy for years (40s, divorced). To manage my urge and desire to be with someone, I use online dating, and most of my intimate partners over the years have come from that. Nothing ever really works out, but I found myself unwilling to stop “looking”. I may meet 2-3 guys a year. Sex encounters are few and far between. Frustrating. In June, after being told by a potential that he didn’t feel chemistry for me, I called up an ex, and we had sex. I hadn’t been with him for 2 years, and I know he’s with others. Bad move #1.

After that encounter, I met another man online in July. Right away he started talking about marriage and sex a lot and insisted we have sex, first week. I was very attracted to him and he was showing me so much attention that I decided to go for it. Unprotected, and we both performed oral on each other. Bad move #2.

We had sex twice that week. I went away on family vacation. We had sex again when I returned. 6 days later, symptoms: something that looked like a cyst, burning, itching, pain. I never thought herpes. Went to the doc after 3 days of trying to cure it with sitz baths etc. Nurse said herpes from looking at it. I was shocked and crushed. After two weeks, tests came back positive for hsv1, no antibodies, new infection.

I told both men. Both are denying having anything. The second man seems to be more likely the transmitter. He has been awful toward me, including saying: “either way, we won’t have sex again”, as if he thought that’s what I wanted. First man said I disrespected him by “coming at him” and accusing him, and said I should check the other guyS I’m with. Both have said they would get tested, neither have told me results. They don’t reach out to even see how I’m doing so I have to contact them and chase down their results. I’ve asked for the written results from the second one. I don’t believe either would tell me the truth.

Questions: for those with hsv1 genital, do you have outbreaks after the first one? Do men get hsv1 on their genitals? Can I pass hsv1 to a man who gives me oral. Did he pass it to me from a cold sore in his mouth (we did a lot of kissing)? Or did he pass hsv1 it to me through blood/semen? I also had waxing done down there. Could that have irritated the skin and opened me up to the virus? Going forward, I feel like sex is off the table because no man (that I’ve met, or like) seems to want to be in a relationship. I’m not willing to disclose unless it’s a real relationship and I know his status too (which means testing each other and discussing after results). 

Please help with feedback on my story or answers to my questions. Thank you.

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Hmm. I don't think you're going to know where you got it from unless one fesses up to testing positive. Sounds like neither one may be willing to do that 

I've also done a lot of online dating.  Right now I have a boyfriend, but if I go back to it, I think I'm going to put herpes positive (I have both kinds) right on my profile.  Why go through awkward talks and face rejection when you can just put it right out there? 

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Yes its an awful position to be in because ideally its best to disclose to any partner but hard if its a more casual encounter
& hard again if it is someone you really like too.

To all your questions the answers are "yes"to the ones about men & genital HSV-1.
It is very possible that you contracted HSV-1 orally

Good luck

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I have HSV-1 genitally too! Let’s answer a few of your questions. 

Though you can’t know for sure where you got it from, you most likely got it from oral sex. You can shed the disease even without any open sores so he could have had a cold sore, but he could not have.

 You can pass it to a man who gives you oral. 

I doubt the waxing had any effect on your contracting the virus.

I can promise there’s life and sex after your diagnosis. You’d be surprised how many people actually have HSV (most don’t even realize it).

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Just to jump in here to clarify something right quick, waxing can actually make you more susceptible to STIs because of making the skin more permeable. Anything that allows easier access to your body will increase the likelihood of transmission. Hope this helps! 

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