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Confussed and kinda sad

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Hi everyone, I'm just a 25 yrs old girl very worried and confussed. Here's my story.

I have been in a 5 year serious relationship with my bf (he's the only one i have ever had sex with but he have had sex before with other women before we met) and almost 3 months ago I was visually diagnosed with herpes. One day I had sex with my bf and at the moment he penetrated me I started feeling like my vagina was burning and hurted like hell. We finished and 2 days after, I started feeling weird down there, my legs felt heavy, I think i had some fever and I was kinda tired. I ignored it like a week. I tought it was a UTI because it burned like hell when I peed so I took medication for that and after seeing that the meds didn't work I started to be very worried. Long story short I told him that I wasn't feeling well in my private area and that I wanted to see a GYN. When I was in there she saw down there and at the moment she saw the bumps she told me "uhh this is herpes" don't worry it's not a big deal. I asked her if I needed to get tested or anything and she said no so she didn't swab or anything so I DON'T know which type of HSV I have. I told her how could this been posible if I have been only with my bf and never have anything like this before and she told me that the virus can lay dormant for years and bla bla bla. I was shocked. When I got out of the clinic I told him the diagnosis and he told me that he had 3 small kinda bumps in his penis too since the last night we had sex, soo we had an outbreak at the same time!... he claims that it's the first time something like this happens to him too. HOW COULD THIS BE POSSIBLE? the first thing that cross my mind was that he cheated on me because I can't understand how this could be happening now AT THE SAME TIME after like 4 years having sex?! I asked him if he cheated and he swears he didn't and he claims that before me he always used condom. I can't be sure about that. But I can't still understand how this could be happening? I mean it's obvious he gave me H right?. I am so sad that the first guy I EVER sleep with gave me this. I took acyclovir for 5 days and I felt better but after 1 week I loss the sense of peeing and I couldn't pee at all. F***!. I was so stressed because why it's this happening to me. I went to the GYN again and told her the peeing problem and that I was feeling like the entrance of my vagina tickles when I peed and abundant transparent cervical mocus. She examined me and told me I had a bacterial vaginosis, gave me some meds and vaginal ovules. She also told me that was so weird that I couldn't feel the urge to pee (she was looking at me like if I was making that up) I told her that I was peeing only once a day and she gave me emselex, I took it and I gradually started peeing again but still I couldn't feel the urge to pee. I couldn't stop thinking that she didn't look worried about those problems but I was. I went home, finished the treatment. The peeing problem kinda solve but it's not the same. Now I can go to pee but i don't feel the same like before all this happened... also since almost 3 months i'm still dealing with the tickling and abundant cervical mocus in my vagina. I have been under extreme stress because all this problems that somethimes I think I have something else like hiv or idk and since my first outbreak that was so severe I have had very mild outbreaks again (like 1 kinda papercut or small lession per month when i'm in my period, but in this last month I have had like 3 kinda mild ourbreaks but I attribute that I have been under so much emotional stress, soo I wanna think that this is genital hsv 1... sigh idk). I haven't get tested for H or STD's because she told me that I have to wait 6 months... but meanwhile I can't have peace of mind and I got 1 hemorroyd...

I have so many questions... what do you think? Which type of herpes do you think I have? What are the chances that my bf cheated on me and gave me H AND have an outbreak at the same time? Why did I lost the sense of peeing? Why do I feel the tickles and the mucos downthere? 


Hoping someone read this and give me a point of view.

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Hi @TequilaGirl, I'm very sorry to read about all this. It is something that shakes our lives and hits us quite deeply, but after some struggle you can recover entirely and manage th situation, specially if you take care of yourself and treat the virus early with medication.

I'm a male in my late 30s and was diagnosed at the beginning of the year. I'm no doctor but I'll try to give some orientation. Other people in the forum are more competent than me but I learned some things so far.

It could very well be that your boyfriend was infected long time ago, and has been an asymptomatic carrier until now. In fact, it's the most probable. That means that he hasn't cheated on you, and he simply never had visible symptoms.

80% of carriers do not have symptoms (yes, that's a lot) , and if they do, they are mild ones, and they just feel them for a while and forget about them.

But even then,, an asymptomatic carrier is contagious, and will periodically "shed" the virus. That is, the virus will propagate to his/her genital skin (or mouth) from time to time.

The virus needs certain conditions to pass (shedding, hard rubbing, skin abrasions, low inmune system, enough viral load, etc), so it's not an "automatic" thing. More so, with time, the virus sheds less and less often, and only the first year it sheds very often. Later on, it sheds only sporadically.

That means that a discordant couple can have sex time and time again, and the infected partner won't pass it...until it does.

(This, precisely, makes possible that many discordant couples that know their status have sex normally, and the uninfected partner never catches the virus - provided they take care and manage several factors, like taking daily medication, using condoms, and avoiding sex during prodromes or outbreaks.)

In your case, it could very well be that your boyfriend was infected but didn't know. That is how most of the transmissions happen. He received the virus in the past, and only recently he shedded the virus for some days, and you had sex by then.

It could also be possible that you got the virus not now, but some time ago (months, years), and it has kept dormant just as his, and only recently something awoke the virus in both of you.

I will try my best to answer any doubts you have. Here we are to helps us each other, and on this forum there are many valuable people that can help a lot. Many things happen in your mind when this virus hits you and you are diagnosed, and there's a big journey to do to accept it, but trust me when I say that there's a bright light on the other side, even a better light, and here you'll have great support to reach it.

Best regards,

PS: here are some very useful statistics to better understand transmission: https://herpesopportunity.com/downloads/herpes-opportunity-disclosure-handout.pdf

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Tank you so much for taking the time to read and answer this post @happyman_adventurous. The info you provided me was eye opening, so I'll try to seek solutions. I didn't understand the discordant couple topic 🤔 are you saying that maybe my bf cheated? Could you please explain that to me if you don't mind. Also do you know anything similar to the bladder control problem? 

Thank you so much in advance. 

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Hi @TequilaGirl sure thing please ask as many questions as you need.

I think the most probable is that your boyfriend didn't cheat on you, and was infected before you two were together. Once you started your relationship, you were a discordant couple, meaning he was infected and you weren't.

Many people who have the virus won't show any symptoms (up to 80% of them!), or the symptoms they have are so mild that they will overlook them. They literally don't know they have it. However, they are contagious during certain periods, and they can infect you unkowningly.

That means that he could have caught it with a girl on his past, and only now pass it to you. This is very usual with this virus, and there are countless stories and testimonials like that.

Then, eventually, an asymptomatic carrier can have a shedding period, then a semi or full outbreak, after months or years of having no symptoms at all.

Why? Because only under certain conitions the virus awakes and gives you an outbreak: like stress, low inmune system, a bad diet (or an arginine-rich diet), after periods of strong solar exposure or bad sleeping patterns... even simply after having sexual relations, or having a certain body chemistry for some time, etc. There are many factors that can awake a dormant virus.

Could your boyfriend have cheated on you? I tend to think "no", given the fact that:

  • is common for a person to carry the virus without symptoms and unkowingly,
  • ...and there are literally countless testimonials on the internet saying they never cheated on their partners, but had sudden outbreaks (super delayed outbreaks years after the original exposure),
  • ...and the fact he had other relationships before you,
  • ...and the fact he says he didn't - but this is my personal tendency: believing and trusting the other person.

One can't tell for sure though, but the odds are in your favor. I think there are some ways to know if the infection is recent or not on him, if you do a particular test. I read something about it on the Terry Warren website but can't find it.

Terry Warren is a clinician and a great source of expert information (she has a forum).

Her words on one of the threads I just found: "It would be good if you could both back away from the cheating idea and recognize that 80% of those infected with HSV 2 don’t know it and can easily pass it and that it may be no one’s fault!"

I recommend you browse her forum as well as this one. Also if you Google for Asymptomatic Herpes. This will give you the much needed peace of mind.

Best regards,

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A link to a Terry Warren thread that illustrates what I was saying:


Asymptomatic Herpes:


Regarding the bladder control question I don't know, but I have read that the virus can create inflammation on the nerves down there (the virus travels and habitates the nerves), and so they can get numb or have some tickling, but this can be treated with the proper medication (that will stop replication) and natural supplements that ease the inflammation, for example ginger (tea) but there are plenty of foods and supplements that can help.

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@happyman_adventurous omg thank you so much! Seriously you have gave me some peace of mind with all this valuable information! About the test, are you referring the Western blot test, the Elisa or other ones? (I can't remember if is IGG or something like that). If you can guide me about the tests to detect HSV I would be immensely grateful.


Btw I'm sorry if I have some grammar issues but english isn't my native language, but hope you can understand me!.

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