Disclosed and rejected after divorcing

[livingbeyond]

I'm attempting to get back in the dating scene after a 9 year marriage is at its end.  I contracted HSV on my wedding night.  After a few years, my marriage was sexless.  Prior to my marriage I was celibate for 7 years. After the experience I'm about to share, I've really been feeling that was a mistake.  Because of other things in our marriage, I decided to move on.  However, it was the scariest decision for me to make because he already knew, and I knew I was going to have to tell whoever I became interested in after moving on.  Well, after having a few dates with someone and us both being attracted to one another, I decided to disclose to somewhat I met online while we were face to face.  I gave him a shortened version of my backstory that I contracted on my wedding night, am not currently experiencing symptoms and have not for some time.  He said "Thank you for telling me," got up from where he was without saying anything else, gathered his things, and walked out.  I understand that someone like this I would not have wanted in my life anyway, because of his response, however it caught me by surprise and hurt like I haven't been hurt since learning I was HSV+.  I was in shock initially.  This was just last night (9/22/18), and I've spent the majority of my morning crying.  I keep replaying unhealthy thoughts about my sex life being over and that I've made a mistake because I'll end up unlovable.  Any advice on how to disclose better and ways that you recover from the sting of someone's response? I'm going to spend some time reading what's already on, but I think I'm in need of direct support today. Thanks, in advance.

[Strength123]

Hello @livingbeyond,

In my mind, what you just went through is sincerely the hardest part about living with H. I admire the strength and integrity you showed in disclosing to someone you really liked and my heart goes out to you for now dealing with the hurt of a painful rejection. You said it already, I think his behavior shows this is not someone you would want to share your life with, and lucky for you, you found this out before wasting years trying to find that out. How someone reacts to H is probably a good indicator of how someone handles hurdles in a relationship and speaks to what they value in a potential partner. You will find someone who sees past your H and when that happens you will feel such a deep connection and know that person is there for the right reasons. You just may need to kiss a few toads to get there. I'm so proud that you put yourself out there, that's a huge step. Don't let this rejection hold you back, any rejection means you are trying and are that much closer to finding someone who will accept you. I

Warmly,

Strength123

[livingbeyond]

Thank you, Strength123. Your response was really encouraging. I tried to brush myself off and go on with my day.  I definitely want to mend from the hurt of how he chose to leave, and just have to keeping feeding myself the thoughts that having H didnt make him react that way but rather his inability to express things appropriately.  It's hard to believe someone without H will understand at some point, but I know from others' stories it is possible. 

I appreciate your support. 

[Amando]

Hi livingbeyond

Really sorry to hear about your recent rejection, It really does hurt I know!

It is definitely the worse thing about living with H, having to disclose
but some people will accept you, so keep going & believing

Good luck

[livingbeyond]

Hi Amando,

Thanks. Yes, it's hard to digest going from really interested to being seen as not worthy of communicating with. I still see myself as having value, and I know I'm a good person; I just never thought I would be faced with someone invalidating that through their actions. And I feel crazy sometimes for wanting to be safe in an unhealthy relationship rather than taking these chances of getting hurt. I appreciate your encouragement, and I hope it motivates me to keep going. 

[sweetlove884]

I just found out, so only have theoretical advice, but my plan should I date again is to disclose at the very beginning. It would save so much time and avoid emotion.  

[Ishmael]

7 hours ago, Mar535 said:

I just found out, so only have theoretical advice, but my plan should I date again is to disclose at the very beginning. It would save so much time and avoid emotion.  

I think most of us would suggest not disclosing right out of the gate. It's a better idea to get to know someone a little first so they can have a sense of who you are because this is have an effect on whether or not they are willing to take the risk. The way this person acted suggests that there is a lot wrong with him and isn't going to be your normal experience. It is a shame it was your first one! 

You might find this useful: 

 

[Amando]

On ‎9‎/‎24‎/‎2018 at 5:29 PM, livingbeyond said:

Hi Amando,

Thanks. Yes, it's hard to digest going from really interested to being seen as not worthy of communicating with. I still see myself as having value, and I know I'm a good person; I just never thought I would be faced with someone invalidating that through their actions. And I feel crazy sometimes for wanting to be safe in an unhealthy relationship rather than taking these chances of getting hurt. I appreciate your encouragement, and I hope it motivates me to keep going. 

@livingbeyond

Yes its horrible isn't it?
there so interested & treat you so well, then you disclose & over a couple of weeks (not in your case, but fairly normally), they become distant & cold.

But be stubborn! never ever give up, Yes you have great value & yes you are a good person & someone will see you for that 🙂
Just Believe! definitely keep going!

 

9 hours ago, Mar535 said:

I just found out, so only have theoretical advice, but my plan should I date again is to disclose at the very beginning. It would save so much time and avoid emotion.  

 

@Mar535

Not "Should I" be more "When I date again" don't let this damn virus beat you, you are much better than it.

Disclosing straight away would certainly have the advantage of not being emotionally attached,
although I do think you have more chance of rejection that way, so its a bit of double sided sword!
Good luck what ever way you disclose!

[livingbeyond]

Thanks, everyone. You've really given me some things to process. After a few days, I think I'm starting to wash that experience from my brain and focus on hope again. @Mar535 you are braver than I am at this stage if you disclose initially. I don't think I can because I don't want to tell someone something about sex until I would consider them a potential sexual partner. But I admire your strength to choose that option, like it was said, "when" you date again. @Ishmael I'll take a look at that post. Thank you for the reference. @Amando I like that. "Be stubborn". I think I will adopt that attitude!

I'm so glad I had somewhere to share what happened and get some real support in moving forward. Thank you, all!

[organicmama]

I think you have a great attitude. I was given H by my son's father. He knew he had it and did not disclose it to me. I understand how someone would not want to risk contracting it. I am having a VERY hard time loving myself and my body after contracting it. I would never want someone else to feel that way about their body. However, I know in time I will find someone who loves me and will not use this piece of me against me. I know you will, too. 

[livingbeyond]

@organicmama Absolutely! In fact, this painful experience helped me disclose to a friend I've had for 10 years and was ashamed to tell. She was supportive and helped me remember, along with this site, the kindness of people and the power of having someone listen. There is also power in doing the opposite of what shame tells us to do; it's just very vulnerable. 

[livingbeyond]

@Ishmael

Thank you for sharing that post! I was able to use the text script she posted, and it went well.  I am pleased to report that I disclosed to someone, and the result was much more understanding.  He brought up the conversation about him being "clean," and I asked him to hold off explaining. I said that since the conversation was going in that direction, I had something to say.  I used the script that I adjusted to fit my situation and include how I specifically contracted HSV.  His response..."You're good with me".  He said he knew about it, once thought he had it, and knows that under stress I may have outbreaks.  I asked "really?" because I was in such disbelief.  He reassured me he was fine with it, and we continued our conversation from there.  

It was the hardest thing to disclose with what happened before, but I didn't want to get stuck having more emotions invested in something if it couldn't go anywhere.  The responses were night and day, and this restored my hope.  There's no telling what will actually happen with this, but if I posted the devastating response I also want to post with something that can bring others hope. It is possible to find understanding people out there!!!

[Ishmael]

1 hour ago, livingbeyond said:

@Ishmael

Thank you for sharing that post! I was able to use the text script she posted, and it went well.  I am pleased to report that I disclosed to someone, and the result was much more understanding.  He brought up the conversation about him being "clean," and I asked him to hold off explaining. I said that since the conversation was going in that direction, I had something to say.  I used the script that I adjusted to fit my situation and include how I specifically contracted HSV.  His response..."You're good with me".  He said he knew about it, once thought he had it, and knows that under stress I may have outbreaks.  I asked "really?" because I was in such disbelief.  He reassured me he was fine with it, and we continued our conversation from there.  

It was the hardest thing to disclose with what happened before, but I didn't want to get stuck having more emotions invested in something if it couldn't go anywhere.  The responses were night and day, and this restored my hope.  There's no telling what will actually happen with this, but if I posted the devastating response I also want to post with something that can bring others hope. It is possible to find understanding people out there!!!

Hell yes! Congratulations. That's what happens when people know about what this actually is. And good for you for coming back here and letting others know that there is light at the end of the tunnel. Thank you. 

[sweetlove884]

Oh, that's awesome, livingbeyond!