Can't stop crying....(New HSV2)

[unwritten]

It's been only two days since I found out, and I'm convinced the only reason I'm typing this and not still crying on the floor is because of this forum and seeing some hope. So I figured I'd share.

I had a recent new partner. I had too much to drink and wasn't careful the first time we had sex. I don't know how long it will take for me to stop replaying that 10 minute window where I was so drunk and caught in the moment that I didn't ask him to put on a condom and the rest is history. On the next few "rounds" that night and in the AM I did ask him to use one, and he did, but as we all know it only takes one time. It literally brings tears to my eyes typing it because I was just that stupid. This wasn't someone I was even serious about. Just a date.

2 days later after seeing him it burned to pee, but I wrote it off as rough sex. Until it didn't stop. And got worse. And on Day 3 I finally looked at myself with a mirror and saw an irritated fold of skin below my vagina (perianal area?) that looked swollen and pink. I figured it was torn or something so I had my primary doc look at it the next day. She called it a "fissure" but I wasn't fully convinced and stopped by PP to have them look at it as well. She told me it could be a fissure or it could be H.

I don't think the tears have stopped since then. I prayed for an entire week that it was just a scare (I've had one before), but that "Blocked ID" call I got 2 days ago changed my life forever, and was the first time in my life I wished I could skip to the end of my life. And that scares the shit out of me.

I had just gotten into the swing of online dating, and was really trying to create space in my life for a husband and family. I desperately want kids and my biological clock basically went off already. I'm not sure if I'll ever forgive myself for putting myself in a place that makes that dream seem impossible. Intellectually I know it still is, but since dating hasn't been easy for me, I feel like this was the nail in the coffin for everything I've wanted most in my life.

I'm trying not to obsess over how it happened (still not 100% sure it was the recent guy - he's getting tested - and the fact that I'm not even sure b/c there's more than one recent guy makes me so ashamed), but I can't function. I haven't been eating since I got the call, can't sleep, and even though I'm on Valtrex now my initial OB is still in full swing and has spread a bit to my butt (I could have spread it myself touching it back before I actually knew what it was). The only thing keeping me sane are 2 friends I confessed to in a hysterical mess yesterday.

All that to say, this feels like the worst thing that has ever happened in my entire life and I don't know how to get over it. I journaled today and didn't cry for a few hours afterward (a win?), so I figured coming on here to share could help with healing. But for now, I'm angry. I'm devastated. I can't get out of bed. And can't stop crying.

How do you all move forward?

P.S. The percentages of women/everybody has it piece doesn't actually help - that makes me angry because if H were a part of "everything" when you get tested all of us probably wouldn't have it

[organicmama]

@unwritten believe it or not, it's not the end of your life. It's not the end of your dating life, either. Take really good care of yourself. Work out, eat very well (lots of all natural, organic fruits and veg), take some immune boosting supplements, try to stay calm, and your body will thank you. The virus will go into hibernation and once it does you'll start to feel like yourself again. It has been a little over a month since my first OB and as the days go on and I don't have another I start to feel better. I still check myself every single day and every time I go to the bathroom. I make myself coconut oil with oregano oil topical to apply daily. I use DMSO cream with oregano oil to apply to my spine, and I take a ton of supplements. I am not on any antivirals. My first OB was very mild so my doctor doesn't think it will be necessary at this point. I am also doing ozone therapy - my doctor told me it can eradicate the virus but the only way to TRULY know that would be to tap into where the virus is kept (in the spine) and no one will do that obviously. But if it keeps me from having OB's then I am happy. I have also written to a ton of doctors who are going to have human trials on therapeutic vaccines. I'm a bit much, I know. But I will do anything to get rid of it or at least keep it from being visible. My friend had her first OB 12 years ago and never had one again.. she is now married and has a child. I got mine from the father of my child because he was sleeping around.. he also knew he had it and didn't tell me. I haven't been with anyone else in 4 years so. It's not a dirty person's virus. It doesn't make you a bad person. My other friend got it because his girlfriend cheated on him. Love yourself. Be good to yourself and your body. I'm working on this, too. So much love for you. Get out of bed today and do something nice for yourself.

 

[Jenn88]

You are not alone... I was diagnosed a month ago am just getting over my second out break now. I feel dirty.Sad, depressed.//. The days I had no outbreak I honestly forgot I even had it. Until it cane back Thursday. I’ve made an appointment with a new gyno and I will also be seeing an infectious disease specialist: Not knowing who it came from or how long I’ve had it my doctor said i could of had it for years

Its not always easy. Today I woke up depressed. I was sad that I woke up  I wanted my lily life to be over but I’m hoping this will b my last OB.

[sweetlove884]

Hugs. 🤗

[Amando]

Hi unwritten

It will get easier, I promise but I'm sorry your having to go through this!

I am 8 years in & can tell you its only really affected my life more recently because of a rejection
but I'm still smiling 🙂

Your OB's will get less & less & you will learn that its not the big deal that the stigma creates.

It is natural to feel down & hurt at first, time will heal you, then you will become a much stronger person,
but for now come on this great website & get all the support you can from all these beautiful caring people.

Wish you luck going forward, big hugs!

[Jenn88]

How do you deal with rejection? 

[Dreamer07]

@organicmama

Could you share a little more about what the doctors shared in regards to a vaccine? I didn’t think anyone was working on a vaccine since they stopped working with the other. What’s ozone therapy? Where do I get it?

[Amando]

5 hours ago, Jenn88 said:

How do you deal with rejection? 

You hurt if you really like them, but after a bit of time you move on!

Guess you just have to look at it the same as if someone rejects you for other reasons
& stay positive 🙂

[KRS17]

Hey @unwritten,

 

  I am sorry to hear that you are going through this...it is a rough path at first for sure.  Your story is not so dissimilar from my own years ago.  Please, try not to beat yourself up for being the sexual beings that we are or for making that oh-so-common in the heat of the moment lapse.  

  You are still using a bit of levity in your writing which is great to read, and you mentioned that writing in your journal and talking with close friends helped ease the tears for a bit-  use that.  Write it all out in your journal, type it out all of it here, talk and talk to those you trust.  You want to type out a five page manifest?  Feel free to privately message me if you don't want to put it all out on the forum(which you easily could, people here are fantastic).  I will respond with the best of my knowledge and care.

  I also know the feeling of the want- husband/family/biological clock ticking down....  although I have NOT gotten into the swing of online dating so seriously if you've got tips for that we can trade for my living w/ H- for years "wisdom" 🙂

  It sounds cliched and trite, but you have nothing to forgive yourself for.  Mistakes we make do not make us lesser than we are unless we refuse to learn from them, give up or refuse to take responsibility.  You are learning, you take responsibility for yourself and girl, you are here and talking, seeking comfort and understanding, asking questions.....so you are NOT giving up.

 

  Right?

[alllgood]

On 10/1/2018 at 9:36 AM, organicmama said:

@unwritten believe it or not, it's not the end of your life. It's not the end of your dating life, either. Take really good care of yourself. Work out, eat very well (lots of all natural, organic fruits and veg), take some immune boosting supplements, try to stay calm, and your body will thank you. The virus will go into hibernation and once it does you'll start to feel like yourself again. It has been a little over a month since my first OB and as the days go on and I don't have another I start to feel better. I still check myself every single day and every time I go to the bathroom. I make myself coconut oil with oregano oil topical to apply daily. I use DMSO cream with oregano oil to apply to my spine, and I take a ton of supplements. I am not on any antivirals. My first OB was very mild so my doctor doesn't think it will be necessary at this point. I am also doing ozone therapy - my doctor told me it can eradicate the virus but the only way to TRULY know that would be to tap into where the virus is kept (in the spine) and no one will do that obviously. But if it keeps me from having OB's then I am happy. I have also written to a ton of doctors who are going to have human trials on therapeutic vaccines. I'm a bit much, I know. But I will do anything to get rid of it or at least keep it from being visible. My friend had her first OB 12 years ago and never had one again.. she is now married and has a child. I got mine from the father of my child because he was sleeping around.. he also knew he had it and didn't tell me. I haven't been with anyone else in 4 years so. It's not a dirty person's virus. It doesn't make you a bad person. My other friend got it because his girlfriend cheated on him. Love yourself. Be good to yourself and your body. I'm working on this, too. So much love for you. Get out of bed today and do something nice for yourself.

 

Can you help me understand what the ozone therapy does?? Eradicating it sounds a little far fetched but I'm interested in anything that helps. 

[organicmama]

On 11/28/2018 at 5:10 AM, alllgood said:

Can you help me understand what the ozone therapy does?? Eradicating it sounds a little far fetched but I'm interested in anything that helps. 

Hey, sorry I am just now seeing this as I don't come on here too much anymore. It's been 3.5 months for me and 0 symptoms since ozone therapy. Google "ten pass ozone therapy" to get an idea of how it works. Check out Second Nature in Nyack, NY - they write articles on it and it's where I got mine done. 

[alllgood]

On 12/10/2018 at 9:15 AM, organicmama said:

Hey, sorry I am just now seeing this as I don't come on here too much anymore. It's been 3.5 months for me and 0 symptoms since ozone therapy. Google "ten pass ozone therapy" to get an idea of how it works. Check out Second Nature in Nyack, NY - they write articles on it and it's where I got mine done. 

does this just ttreat symptoms? or can it potentially be a cure? I just read that people can seroconvert, or the virus wont show up in their bloodstream anymore. 

[Lstgryl]

I’m in the same boat. Actually, I’m waiting on swab results. But I know I don’t want to live with this. I’m pretty sure it is hsv 2. This is the second occurrence, but my first time getting to the doc in time to swab. People say you can date but whenever the subject of Herpes comes up around people I know, they all talk about how nasty and disgusting the person is. I can’t possibly disclose this to people I know and risk it getting spread around. So at the age of 30 I have to face living alone and dying alone with no husband or kids. Right now, everything I have worked for is ruined. I haven’t even been promiscuous which is the part that sucks 

[I hate]

Yea the everyone has it hurts. Bc just last week I thought i wasn't everyone. And the way the doctor came in to tell me keeps playing over and over "Yeah you definitely have herpes"  and I just started crying and he looking at me like why are u crying everyone has it 

[organicmama]

On 12/16/2018 at 11:52 PM, alllgood said:

does this just ttreat symptoms? or can it potentially be a cure? I just read that people can seroconvert, or the virus wont show up in their bloodstream anymore. 

My doctor told me it can possibly eradicate the virus. I had one OB, did ozone, and I have been free of outbreaks for four months now. I'll keep you posted. I also do not take antivirals.

[alllgood]

thank 

On 12/17/2018 at 6:10 PM, Lstgryl said:

I’m in the same boat. Actually, I’m waiting on swab results. But I know I don’t want to live with this. I’m pretty sure it is hsv 2. This is the second occurrence, but my first time getting to the doc in time to swab. People say you can date but whenever the subject of Herpes comes up around people I know, they all talk about how nasty and disgusting the person is. I can’t possibly disclose this to people I know and risk it getting spread around. So at the age of 30 I have to face living alone and dying alone with no husband or kids. Right now, everything I have worked for is ruined. I haven’t even been promiscuous which is the part that sucks 

I feel the exact same way right now... People bring i up all the time disgusted and i have to sit there acting like im not completely crushed.... idk how to get through this. 

[alllgood]

On 12/20/2018 at 2:54 PM, organicmama said:

My doctor told me it can possibly eradicate the virus. I had one OB, did ozone, and I have been free of outbreaks for four months now. I'll keep you posted. I also do not take antivirals.

Please do! I'm going to look into it also

[Lstgryl]

I just can’t stop crying. I don’t even leave my home unless it’s for work. People always ask why im single or try to hook me up with mutual friends. I don’t know how to tell them why I no longer date. I’m not strong enough to handle this 

[organicmama]

On 1/7/2019 at 4:33 AM, alllgood said:

Please do! I'm going to look into it also

Still not a single OB since my initial one and I did ozone therapy. Mentally, I don't want to get retested yet because if my antibodies didnt go down I will be upset but not having any symptoms for 19 weeks has been great.

[Findingmyself]

On 1/7/2019 at 6:14 PM, Lstgryl said:

I just can’t stop crying. I don’t even leave my home unless it’s for work. People always ask why im single or try to hook me up with mutual friends. I don’t know how to tell them why I no longer date. I’m not strong enough to handle this 

I can completely understand. I’m in hibernation hiding mode since I was diagnosed back in August. I got it from someone on a regular dating site it was the first person I was with in years. I’m a single mom and thought I would try and put myself back out there. I caught herpes from the person who failed to disclose to me. Ever since, I hardly leave my apartment except for work and I avoid anything social. I have turned into a dormant person that just isn’t me. I feel so alone now. I didn’t really have many friends before this but, now I just hide. The emotional roller coaster is over and now I’m just wondering if I’m ever going to be confident again. I wonder if I’m ever going to be able to trust anyone again. I hope I don’t end up alone. 😐

[alllgood]

On 1/7/2019 at 6:14 PM, Lstgryl said:

I just can’t stop crying. I don’t even leave my home unless it’s for work. People always ask why im single or try to hook me up with mutual friends. I don’t know how to tell them why I no longer date. I’m not strong enough to handle this 

I officially a year into this and still feel this exact same way. Idk what to do. My mental health is so far gone because of this idk where to turn. I haven't been with anyone in a year and I can only talk to my mom about this. Even one of my best friends who I told it was really likely I had it, I later told her i didn't because of how differently she treated me. It's worse because she didn't even mean to, and was actually trying to be supportive but it wasn't at all. She brought up being scared to get it, and talked about making dating sites for just herpes positive people. I know that was her trying to be positive and tell me or whoever we aren't alone and other people have it to date. But the thing that she validated was that she and really no one wants to date someone with it, and I guess that I have to find someone else that is settling??? I don't want this to define me, and this site always talks about it not defining us. if it wasn't though, why the hell are there sites and support groups and people even talking about that. it just should be. the people telling me that this isn't a big deal, it feels as though they're trying to reassure themselves too, which isn't all that reassuring. I constantly find myself lying about this part of me in daily situations where it'll be generally brought up, or when people ask about my sex life. like I can't have one, why bother. Sorry for the dark,  negative rant, and I hope no one takes offense to this. This is just the thoughts that go through my head that keep me from moving on. basically, I can't see it happening.. So what now? 

[Lstgryl]

These are my exact thoughts. I just try to make it one day at a time. 

[alllgood]

I've been trying... I find myself getting so caught up in my school and future stressors that I use those to avoid any kind of relationship, or to even think about my problem. I hope this works out soon because Idk how much longer I can handle it. I'm glad I'm not alone in these thoughts, makes it a little less lonely.