He’s pulling the slow fade/ghosting after I disclosed

[BostonBuddy07]

I was recently diagnosed with HSV2 about 6 months ago. I went through all  of the emotions and quickly came to  accept it.  

The first gentleman that I told after receiving my diagnosis did not run away we continued to have physical contact with each other but he was never really more than just a hook up.  Fast forward to about four months later and I recently started seeing somebody who I felt a strong connection with and who was calling me every single day and texting me in the morning “good morning have a wonderful day”  and all of the sweet stuff.  We have been on three dates but spoke every day on the phone for about a month and I really felt a strong bond and felt like he could be my person. The only thing we had done was kiss but I figured it would be responsible of me to disclose to him before clothes started to come off. I’ve read on here and other forums the best way to disclose is with confidence and to sit down with all the facts which I’ve done in the past, but this time was different.

We went out and had a really great time but ended up drinking more than we both anticipated and while making out I stopped and got really nervous and a couple tears started to fall down my face and I looked at him and said “ I have something to share with you, it’s not that big of a deal but I am asymptomatic carrier for the HSV 2 virus. about 85% of people have it don’t even know they have it it’s really not that big of a deal“  and then I kind of quickly changed the subject.   He was very sweet in the moment and said “that must’ve been really hard for you to tell me and really brave so thank you”  and then we went right back to making out .   We spoke the next day on the phone and then two days later and we were talking about hanging out over the weekend and he said he was really busy but he’s not going anywhere which made me feel really confident because following the disclosure I was riddled with anxiety because I didn’t do it with confidence.   Ever since then I have not heard from him; he stop calling me, he stoped texting  but still watches all my Instagram stories. I decided to pick up the phone and called him and he picked up which was a good sign but the first words out of his mouth was how busy he’s been how busy he is.  It’s pretty clear to me that I freaked him out and I just wish my delivery was better so I’m literally not sleeping because I’m riddled with guilt and anxiety for delivering the news in the way that I did. Did I just disclose too soon? Do you think if I would’ve delivered it in a different way he would’ve stayed around? I have a feeling I’m not going to hear from him so I’m not sure if I should just let it go or in a few weeks send them a text and say “I know I scared you off with the information I shared and I think I could’ve done a better job of educating you” and then send him some links  and hope that he reads up for the future because the truth is one in five women have it so...

 

pleae help, i can’t shake the guilt and shame.  I currently feel like I never ever want to date or disclose ever again. 

 

[Strength123]

@BostonBuddy07

The slow fade method is all too familiar to me. I would say from his actions that he is indeed uncomfortable with the HSV 2. If you feel some of the hesitance is caused by the delivery of the disclosure then I would make one final effort to have it again, even over a call or text if that's easiest. I would say something along the lines of " I have really enjoyeed getting to know you. I have felt some distance since I disclosed about my HSV 2. I'm not happy with the way I disclosed and just wanted to reach out and see if I can answer any questions you have about it. Many people have it and it's a very manageable virus etc.etc." of course, put it in your own words. But after that opportinity for conversation I think you will feel more comfortable no matter how it turns out. I'm wishing you all the best. Please let us know how it goes

Warmly,

Strength123

[BostonBuddy07]

26 minutes ago, Strength123 said:

@BostonBuddy07

The slow fade method is all too familiar to me. I would say from his actions that he is indeed uncomfortable with the HSV 2. If you feel some of the hesitance is caused by the delivery of the disclosure then I would make one final effort to have it again, even over a call or text if that's easiest. I would say something along the lines of " I have really enjoyeed getting to know you. I have felt some distance since I disclosed about my HSV 2. I'm not happy with the way I disclosed and just wanted to reach out and see if I can answer any questions you have about it. Many people have it and it's a very manageable virus etc.etc." of course, put it in your own words. But after that opportinity for conversation I think you will feel more comfortable no matter how it turns out. I'm wishing you all the best. Please let us know how it goes

Warmly,

Strength123

I think for my self esteem and ego it would make me feel better to reach out again.  It how long do I wait before doing that? We spoke on the phone yesterday am (i called him) and kept acting like my normal self. We have tentative plans for this weekend but i have a feeling I won’t hear from him. I’m thinking after this weekend I’ll call him or shoot him that text? On the other hand, a lot of relationship coaches say if I guy ghosts you, move on, don’t make contact. I’m torn. 

[tomorrow]

@BostonBuddy07

I'm really sorry for your story. I actually am in the same boat.  My boyfriend is not talking to me either though he claimed he is just too busy and not avoiding me due to my diagnosis.  But I figured that he just doesn't have the guts to be honest so play the game of fading out.  I wish he could be upfront and end a relationship in a decent way.  But I guess some people are really coward and disrespectful.  I'm not going to lower my value one more time. So, I will just let him be and no more bother.  I know someday probably in months or years he will regret and feel sorry for what he has done to me.

 

When I am in my own relationship I am emotion loaded and can't think right.  However, when I step out of it, analyze my own story, yours or other's, I can see the fact much clearly.  You or many of others may not agree, but let me share what I think, so we can discuss further:

It's very understandable and predictable that when we disclose, most people get scared/uncomfortable, NO MATTER THEY ADMIT OR NOT.  Some run immediately.  But more tend to act normal in the beginning (no one want to act rude or innocent),  but in their deep heart, they do have worries and scare and they will.  This afternoon I googled genital herpes pictures online, to be honest, I AM TERRIFIED TOO.  I'm the one with HSV 2 and pretty accept the fact now, but the pictures from google still look disgusting and scary to me.  Yes it's true that most of us won't have those symptoms or some have no symptoms at all.  But those H- have no idea and don't want to believe the better possibility. They see the pictures from google and understand how bad it could be if they are infected someday. 

Most importantly, the theory of asymptomatic shedding probably is the most difficult part for the potential H- partner to accept. Actually it's difficult for me to accept too. It's said it's unpredictable, asymptomatic, can happen even with medicine and protection.  Is that scary?  I think it is, to any logical/ rational person.  Yes there are other disease is more serious than herpes, such as cancer, diabetes, or other skin problems,  but less people run away from their infected partners because those health problems are not contagious or not lifelong, in fact they're symptomatic or predictable so people can take actions and protect themselves well. 

I apologize if my words sound discouraging but this is definitely not my point. I am just sharing my thinking about the fact from the other perspective so we can feel less sadness from their rejection.  Sometimes it's good/healthier to lower our expectation.

Are there people willing to take the risks?  I'm sure there are, MANY.  But there're conditions for them accept it.  I like to list what I analyze:

1) If they are truly IN LOVE WITH YOU, they most likely will accept all of you, including your hsv.

(my bf is not same feeling toward me though I am in deep love with him.  That is why he turned me down.  But I had to disclose bc I was diagnosed when we already have relationship.  In the future, I would not disclose until I'm 100% sure that person is in deep love with me, which means I won't sleep with them either.  I believe this is critical. )

2) if they are desperate to have some one, because of many reasons of their own.

They might have problems to get a partners, or they are having certain kind of unknown issue maybe hsv, (hopefully not hiv)

3) they have experienced it.

They have family or ever dated someone with hsv.  They know the truth and understand our struggles. And they have really kind heart.

4) Irresponsible person.

They don't really care because they always like taking high risks for sexual pleasures.  These kind of people might tend to cheat or hook-up around.  Those are definitely not what I want.

5) ... (please add...)

Welcome to debate me or share your thoughts. 

 

[Strength123]

@BostonBuddy07

If it were me, I would address it via text right away. I feel like text gives me time to clearly state what I'm feeling and I'm also the type to address issues sooner rather than later. 

With that in mind, I did bring up it up in a similar manor with the guy I was seeing and it gave him the opportunity he was looking for to end the relationship. I am still glad I reached out so he didn't lead me on any more. I also realized that his fading interest was only making me feel worse about myself so I'm glad we had that talk. 

 

Wishing you all the best!

[coeur age]

I feel your pain. What you wrote is exactly what happened to me 5 nights ago. We had gone on 4 really fun dates and spent hours on the phone in easy fun connection. 

We both drank a lot as we were in a dance venue and knowing we would bedrinking made me feel it would give me liquid courage for later. When he pulled up in front of my house I blurted it out, got nervous and as I quickly exited the car I told him to think about it. He kissed me and told me he would call the next day, but didn’t. So I was dealing with that plus a hangover. I decided to reach out later by text to ask what he might be thinking or if he had any questions. He told me it was too hard and he would call the next day.

Well, he did call and talked and talked as if nothing was different for 45 minutes! I kept waiting and finally truly got sleepy and said I needed to go to sleep. 

Since then, nada. 

I feel the worst part is that I delivered the information so badly. I am mad at myself for that part. I feel shameful. 

[sweetlove884]

I'm new to all this, so probably don't have the knowledge or understanding the veterans do, so take this for what it's worth. 

But I feel like I wouldn't want to convince someone to take a chance on the virus.

That would be a big burden for  me to carry if they contracted  it. If they were emphatic that they wanted to go forward, I might. But otherwise, I would understand and wish them well. 

For me, going forward, I think I would prefer to find someone who already had it. 

[BostonBuddy07]

Hey everybody!

 

Thank you so much for all of your comments. So here’s what happened...I decided to reach out to him and this is what I said 

 

“Hope all is well!  I just want to say it was so nice meeting you and sharing some laughs and great meals, but it seems pretty obvious through your drastic change in communication with me that you’ve decided that you are no longer interested in seeing me anymore. I am a mature and open adult who was vulnerable and shared the information about me being an asymptomatic carrier for the herpes virus because i felt we had a connection and could see us potentially being great together. I take full responsibility in that I could have presented the information more calmly and done a WAY better job of explaining the facts to you. The fact is I got it from an ex.  Turns out 1 in 6 people have it and it’s very manageable.  Asymptomatic carriers don’t have breakouts and the virus is in the same family as chicken pox. There is just a huge societal stigma attached to it. I’m sure it freaked you out t and I can’t be mad at you for being scared but I do wish you would have asked me questions or would have been honest about not moving forward instead of just stopping communication. Being ghosted on is a shitty feeling: I find it to be quite disrespectful. 

Here is an article I hope you take a moment to read to better educate yourself on why herpes isn’t a big deal https://www.primermagazine.com/2016/learn/the-girl-im-dating-just-told-me-
she-has-herpes

I’m sorry you couldn’t see past that and see me for the wonderful woman and full package that I am. “

 

He he ended up calling me and we spoke for about 45 minutes.  He said that he just got freaked out and didn’t know how to move forward because he did not want to say anything to offend me. He also said that he read the article and did some more reading online and was grateful to be educated on how common it is and that he should actually go get himself checked because he’s never done that and it’s important to take care of our own bodies in as we get older and know things about us. He said he could have diabetes and not even know and that’s more life-threatening then herpes which I explained is not life-threatening. It was a really nice conversation but it did not end with us saying we’ll talk again or see each other soon and I haven’t heard from him since then but I will be honest that speaking my truth and calling him out for ghosting was really i he said that he just got freaked out and didn’t know how to move forward because he did not want to say anything to offend me. He also said that he read the article and did some more reading online and was grateful to be educated on how common it is and that he should actually go get himself checked because he’s never done that and it’s important to take care of our own bodies and as we get older no things about us. He said he could have diabetes and not even knowing that’s more life-threatening than herpes which I explained is not life-threatening. It was a really nice conversation but it did not end with us saying we’ll talk again or see each other soon and I haven’t heard from him since then but I will be honest that speaking my truth and calling him out for ghosting was really empowering.   He did admit that he acted like an asshole and I should never be made to feel like I’m a leper or wearing a scarlet Letter.

 

I have definitely learned from this experience that I should wait before I can make sure they are absolutely in love with me And that I am in love with them and want to move forward physically before disclosing.
 

And the truth is the right person won’t care.

[BostonBuddy07]

On 10/4/2018 at 12:13 PM, coeur age said:

I feel your pain. What you wrote is exactly what happened to me 5 nights ago. We had gone on 4 really fun dates and spent hours on the phone in easy fun connection. 

We both drank a lot as we were in a dance venue and knowing we would bedrinking made me feel it would give me liquid courage for later. When he pulled up in front of my house I blurted it out, got nervous and as I quickly exited the car I told him to think about it. He kissed me and told me he would call the next day, but didn’t. So I was dealing with that plus a hangover. I decided to reach out later by text to ask what he might be thinking or if he had any questions. He told me it was too hard and he would call the next day.

Well, he did call and talked and talked as if nothing was different for 45 minutes! I kept waiting and finally truly got sleepy and said I needed to go to sleep. 

Since then, nada. 

I feel the worst part is that I delivered the information so badly. I am mad at myself for that part. I feel shameful. 

The shame is a shitty feeling and even though I have conversed with the guy And feel better for calling him out for ghosting I still feel a little shame in the way I handled it but it’s all a learning experience for the next time. 

 

If you’re still feeling anxious and nervous I would just shoot him a text and say hey I don’t want to be a nag or bother you but maybe you could let me know by the end of the week

[Amando]

Hi BostonBuddy07

I'm so sorry for you, as I have been through something so similar & know how much it hurts!

I think what you said in disclosure was good & I don't think its because your delivery was not confident that's he's changed.
My experience of rejection & so many other stories I have read (some above) tells me it takes a bit of time for people to process being told & when it sinks in they decide to blank you or go very cold.

You say.

On ‎10‎/‎3‎/‎2018 at 6:52 PM, BostonBuddy07 said:

my self esteem and ego it would make me feel better to reach out again

In my case it became detrimental to myself, hanging in there & hoping it would change round.
I think you should go the other way & not text or call him & wait for him to contact you, if he is going to do so.
Even set yourself a date that if he doesn't, you then move on.
Don't get me wrong but I know its hard because you really like/love this person, it almost destroyed me,
I used to be such a happy go lucky guy, then became seriously depressed but as soon as I started to accept it & started to let go, I started to recover.

You must make your own choice but I do really think its down to him to contact you, if he likes you enough!

Big hugs! & hope it works out for you

[sweetlove884]

Hi,

I'm not sure how much online dating you've done, but I've done quite a bit. I've been ghosted dozens of times. Some after just texting (once after 7 weeks!) And also after 1st, 2nd, or 3rd dates. Usually there was no reason whatsoever that I could figure out. 

Its just part of the dating world. Herpes or not. My experiences were before I knew about the herpes. Try not to let it get to you and move on. There are plenty of guys out there. 

[organicmama]

On 10/3/2018 at 12:57 PM, BostonBuddy07 said:

I was recently diagnosed with HSV2 about 6 months ago. I went through all  of the emotions and quickly came to  accept it.  

The first gentleman that I told after receiving my diagnosis did not run away we continued to have physical contact with each other but he was never really more than just a hook up.  Fast forward to about four months later and I recently started seeing somebody who I felt a strong connection with and who was calling me every single day and texting me in the morning “good morning have a wonderful day”  and all of the sweet stuff.  We have been on three dates but spoke every day on the phone for about a month and I really felt a strong bond and felt like he could be my person. The only thing we had done was kiss but I figured it would be responsible of me to disclose to him before clothes started to come off. I’ve read on here and other forums the best way to disclose is with confidence and to sit down with all the facts which I’ve done in the past, but this time was different.

We went out and had a really great time but ended up drinking more than we both anticipated and while making out I stopped and got really nervous and a couple tears started to fall down my face and I looked at him and said “ I have something to share with you, it’s not that big of a deal but I am asymptomatic carrier for the HSV 2 virus. about 85% of people have it don’t even know they have it it’s really not that big of a deal“  and then I kind of quickly changed the subject.   He was very sweet in the moment and said “that must’ve been really hard for you to tell me and really brave so thank you”  and then we went right back to making out .   We spoke the next day on the phone and then two days later and we were talking about hanging out over the weekend and he said he was really busy but he’s not going anywhere which made me feel really confident because following the disclosure I was riddled with anxiety because I didn’t do it with confidence.   Ever since then I have not heard from him; he stop calling me, he stoped texting  but still watches all my Instagram stories. I decided to pick up the phone and called him and he picked up which was a good sign but the first words out of his mouth was how busy he’s been how busy he is.  It’s pretty clear to me that I freaked him out and I just wish my delivery was better so I’m literally not sleeping because I’m riddled with guilt and anxiety for delivering the news in the way that I did. Did I just disclose too soon? Do you think if I would’ve delivered it in a different way he would’ve stayed around? I have a feeling I’m not going to hear from him so I’m not sure if I should just let it go or in a few weeks send them a text and say “I know I scared you off with the information I shared and I think I could’ve done a better job of educating you” and then send him some links  and hope that he reads up for the future because the truth is one in five women have it so...

 

pleae help, i can’t shake the guilt and shame.  I currently feel like I never ever want to date or disclose ever again. 

 

I am so sorry for being so direct about this but here is my opinion - fuck him. I can understand why someone is nervous about contracting the virus. I totally would have been one of those people. I still don't want to be with someone else who has it because I don't want the risk of reinfecting myself since I'm doing EVERYTHING to get my viral load down. BUT if someone doesn't accept you for it then that is their choice and they are not for you. LOVE YOU. Find someone who adores the shit out of you and won't let a virus scare them away.