When and how to disclose I have herpes

[Notgoingthere]

So I’ve decided to try again on dating, but idk when or how to disclose I have herpes... I just want to come out with it immediately because I hate secrets, but I know that it’s no ones business but my own.. I really just don’t want another’s incident like before.

[imkeewa]

avoid tell him about herpes immediately, but don't wait to tell him after sex.  Depends on the intimacy of your relationship, you should pick the right time to tell him about it. Keep in mind that a close atmosphere and open conversation are important to make you feel confident to tell. Let him know herpes is a very common infection, and it can be preventable. Best wishes for you

[mr_hopp]

My short answer here is this: When you feel that you can trust this person with your vulnerability. Period. Because the herpes talk is vulnerable. It's sharing a raw side of you, especially if you're still in the throes of shame. 

 This is a great barometer because it also guarantees that you only have sex with people you truly trust (definitely a great foundation to work from, right?). The herpes talk is emotionally vulnerable. Having sex is both emotionally and physically vulnerable. The analogy here is like a flower blossoming. We want to over time open to our partner, and the herpes talk can be the opportunity to maybe for the first time truly open emotionally with your partner.

 So in that way, I've never been a strong proponent of disclosing on the first date. It's not holding something back, it's just working toward trusting this person with your vulnerability. Just like he might not share some skeleton in his closet on the first date, we aren't expected to, either. The only time we need to disclose is if we are actually considering sleeping with this person. Until that's a possibility, then herpes doesn't absolutely need to be the first conversation we have before we've even gotten to really know each other as people. 

[Notgoingthere]

Thank you guys so much! 

[mr_hopp]

Sure thing! This interview I did a while back may be helpful too. (I don’t remember everything we talked about, but let me know if it helps!)

https://radiopublic.com/ignite-intimacy-GAz4jW/ep/s1!eea58

[sweetlove884]

Here are my thoughts for what they're worth, but I'm recently diagnosed so don't have experience with this. 

To me, it depends on what type of dating you're doing and how much time you have to devote to your search for a partner. 

I've been with mine 7 months, and I met him on Tinder. Before I met him I used Tinder for several months. Well on there, my experience was that I had plenty of matches and plenty more where those came from. 

Even getting to a first date was a lengthy process. All that texting beforehand, often being ghosted, cancelled on, stood up, sending  more pictures, etc. Then the date, finding out I didn't like them or they didn't  like me, then waiting to get asked out again. And if I was juggling several it was really time consuming and hard. 

So, if I was to go back on Tinder, I would tell before going through all that.  It would make everything so much faster and efficient.  

[Notgoingthere]

8 hours ago, Mar535 said:

Here are my thoughts for what they're worth, but I'm recently diagnosed so don't have experience with this. 

To me, it depends on what type of dating you're doing and how much time you have to devote to your search for a partner. 

I've been with mine 7 months, and I met him on Tinder. Before I met him I used Tinder for several months. Well on there, my experience was that I had plenty of matches and plenty more where those came from. 

Even getting to a first date was a lengthy process. All that texting beforehand, often being ghosted, cancelled on, stood up, sending  more pictures, etc. Then the date, finding out I didn't like them or they didn't  like me, then waiting to get asked out again. And if I was juggling several it was really time consuming and hard. 

So, if I was to go back on Tinder, I would tell before going through all that.  It would make everything so much faster and efficient.  

@Mar535 thank you for the advice. I’ve been off and on tinder for awhile. If you happen to find another thred of mine called rejection, that’s when my confusion started. 

 

Ive gotten a couple of matches and so far the conversation has gone well. I just don’t want to bring it up out of nowhere so when do you normally bring up that you have herpes? 

[sweetlove884]

I haven't gotten to try it out. I'm still with my boyfriend at the moment, but I don't know if we're going to make it. I infected him in ignorance and he has a lot of anger toward me. 

But if I do go back on I plan to say it first thing. Like right after hello and how are you. 

[sweetlove884]

My style may not be your style, but in general, I like to tell any bad stuff right away to save time.  For example, I always describe my body this way--small breasts, fat stomach, nice ass. Lol. That way I can eliminate the boob men right away. Haha 

To me, it's a numbers game. Because soooo many flake. It's frustrating when you've invested a lot of time in them. 

[100918]

I'm brand new to this (just got my diagnosis 2 days ago), but I plan to do exactly what I did in this past relationship that ended up getting me diagnosed, with an adjustment for the fact that I already know my results:

If I am dating a guy and it looks like things are going to go in the direction of intimacy, I will let him know that he needs to be tested for all STDs before anything happens. IF he is serious enough about me that he is willing to go get tested and mature enough to have that conversation, then once he has his results, we will each disclose to each other the results of our tests.

It may turn out that the man already has HSV as well and discloses it to me when I request he get tested. And then I can disclose in return and we go from there.

Or, he may refuse testing and the relationship ends there. Just because I have already have HSV doesn't mean that he doesn't have something else that he could give me...and I don't want anything else.

Or, he may not know he has it and finds out the same way I did...as part of being a responsible sexual partner, getting tested.

Or, he may test and come back completely negative for everything and then I need to disclose to him and see if he is willing to move forward or if he wants out.

But, I do not intend to disclose at first meeting or even the first however many dates. When I feel like we are ready to move toward the step of having sex, the conversation will be had, but it will be started by telling him that we both need to be tested.

I am so thankful that I had my rules of getting tested and didn't just go with the "I know I'm clean", and his "I know I'm clean", and just trust that and get busy. HE was ready to move forward without testing, saying that he trusted me. And I feel that he had no reason NOT to trust me...because I was being truthful when I told him that I was negative...because I did not KNOW.

I know he's still reeling and upset with what I had to tell him....but I hope that at some point, he comes to realize that my insistence at both being tested (even though I was CERTAIN I was negative - was tested 9 years ago, been celibate for 10 years - and didn't know that I was NOT tested for HSV) could have saved him from being exposed. He has yet to be tested. For all I know, he may already have it and also not know. 

I don't know. I guess I'm rambling. But, that's my plan so far...but for now, I think I'm going to just crawl back into my shell and not date again for a long while. 

[Notgoingthere]

Thank you @100918!That is an awesome plan!!! I think I’m just going to do that. Not really worry about the std until I have to!