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Non Disclosure


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I'm a little confused here. If he's taking care of himself, using condoms and taking daily suppressives and not experiencing an outbreak, I don't see anything wrong with NOT saying anything if it's just a sex thing. Anyone that says otherwise is a drama queen. Like no one is on tinder or whatever other shitty dating site there is and saying "oh btw i have herpes on their profile". I understand why someone wouldn't want to be "that girl/guy with herpes". Didn't say I'd be one of those people but I totally understand why the majority do not disclose. We live in a social-media age where your reputation can be ruined in 0.5 seconds with just a click of the mouse for crying out loud.

If it's an LTR, i'd hope you wouldn't be wanting to spend your life with someone you didn't trust so it should be easier to disclose. If the town is that small to where you'd be embarrassed if anything like this got out then i suggest you pack your shit and leave. 

If the person we contracted herpes from used a condom, took care of himself (wasn't experiencing a current outbreak) and was on antivirals, none of us would be here. So, whatever. The holier than thou attitude on this thread is ridiculous. 

 

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Thank you for everyone who has contributed to the post. One of the main reasons I wanted to post about not disclosing was in fact the situation I am in. I can not move. At least not currently and maybe not ever. I took over the family business and it is a huge asset that I will not be able to cash in or sell. I have to provide for my family by being in this small town and I am kind of stuck here for the time being. I am 35 going to be 36 soon and have never settled down. 

A couple of posts, there was a lot of people who reached out to me on messages to tell me that they really liked a thread on this website about non-disclosure. It allowed them to see someone and talk to someone who was in a situation that had issues or real problems with disclosure. That is what a lot of people go through. And without me telling people you have to disclose you have to disclose.... because I have had private message feedback of people very similar to me that do not want to disclose for various reasons. 

The judgement on this website about non-disclosure is some of the similar backlash that people face in their immediate circles, and some like in my situation entire communities. It may not be the entire town like mine, but it could be the work community that they have, the social circle that they have, or a subsection of the larger community they live in. 

All of us are trying to cope with our situation of having Herpes. Some like to abbreviate the term just so it doesnt sound so bad. I have H. What H does to me. Those type of things I see on threads all the time. 

During my hiatus from actually talking or commenting on this topic a couple of things have happened. 

I have dated 4 women since then. All of them are not ok with dating people with Herpes. Now I still did not disclose but found this out through various interactions with them and people. One of the girls disclosed that her best friend and a person I have been friends with for a long time had herpes to me. Just randomly outted her secret without a care in the world of what she was doing. I realized she was trying to hurt the person and haven't talked to her since. I was sexually active with her with protection for a long time before that. Had I disclosed my secret is out and again I am not dating anyone of the next 3 women that I came into contact with. Each one would talk about Herpes as disgusting and people that get it were nasty. They would volunteer people in the community that were single and dating, that just happened to have it. 

I can also tell you that I dated a girl who made it a point to say how fucking disgusting the bartender was at the bar we were going to who had Herpes and gave it to someone who made the unfortunate error of telling his two friends. Who then spread it all across the town that she had it. I heard it through five different people after the initial conversation of her telling me. 

My thoughts are be mindful of what you say on this forum as well. People's situation are different and they may not live the same type of life you do. Non-disclosure does not hurt if you use protection. Sex is in general a risk, you take it because people may not even know they have a disease. You still have sex. That is inherent risk in the act itself anymore. What we can is talk about our shared experiences. I talk about how I live my life without disclosing and the challenges I face because of it.... Its not a care free I am awesome I love living with this and not being able to tell people deal. It is how I am managing my life, my disease and my situation. 

I never have outbreaks and the only time I am reminded that I have it is when I think I have to tell someone I carry the virus. That doesnt mean my situation is exactly like the people that comment on this but I offer prospective and discussion so others may benefit. That is all I am doing. I appreciate people telling me stories of relationships were they were in for long periods and disclosed later and it worked out. That may not be the case in my life or in other situations...... but again I am sure there are stories were it didnt work out when people came forward with the disease. 

 

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As Pharell said, the truth will set you free but first it'll piss you off.

Most people don't disclose, period. 

If they did most of us wouldn't be here. 

They (our giver) didn't give a rats ass about our well-being and didn't take the necessary steps to take care of themselves. On top of that, we did not bother to use protection (i'd guess a good majority of us didn't). 

You're on a site called herpes opportunity. A lot of folks here are pissed they're here in the first place but fail to acknowledge the role they played in contracting H (not thinking clearly, choosing a shitty partner, not using condoms,..etc)

This really is a personal decision YOU have to make. The answer you seek is already within you. Something tells me you'd be better off disclosing only because you continue to rationalize and justify.

You have to make a conscious decision and OWN it for your own well-being.

Having said that, I know women that tell everyone that will listen they have herpes. There was that one uni student that wrote a whole OP-ed about how it made her feel liberated being able to scream it from the rooftops. A lot of people can't cope with carrying around this "big, bad secret" around so they blab to everyone. There was one guy on another forum that told his wife's parents he had H because he convinced himself it was the reason they couldn't conceive. I get it. A contagious skin infection is scary but it's not the end of the fucking world people want to make it out to be. 

I say get on antivirals, use condoms and take care of your mind-body and enjoy your life. At least you're here asking questions and trying to find answers. I still think you live in a shitty town and need to move at some point but I do not think it's wise to go around telling people you have herpes just because it's the "right thing to do". 

It's also how you go about it. If a guy told me he had herpes on the 2 or 3rd date, I'd be really creeped out and think ok what else does he have and probably wouldn't call him ever again. It isn't the herpes that would scare me but the fact that he would disclose so early considering the stigma. I'd also think he was jobless and didn't have much of a rep to save and that would be unsettling in itself. Sorry, but it's true.

If we took the time to get to know each other and he told me a month or two in before we were intimate, I'd really really appreciate it. Also he'd have to be chill about it and not talk about it as if it's cancer or HIV. Attitude is important. 

I've dated men that suffered from cold sores that didn't even bother disclosing that they had cold sores even with a big bubbly cold sore on their face. The fact is most aren't disclosing or even considering the well-being of their partner. 

My only issue is the false sense of security from not having outbreaks. I really hope you get on antivirals before seeing anyone.

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