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I didn't disclose, but can I ask/expect him to get tested now?


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I started dating a guy a few weeks ago. Earlier in the night, prior to having sex he confessed he had had a mouth sore and didn't know what it was so he consulted his dentist, who told him simply he has herpes. And then he added he doesn't have genital herpes. Later that night we started to have sex and I chickened out on my own status (HSV II - more details in other posts). It wasn't until a week later, when he was supposed to come visit me, that I finally was able to confess. 

But my question/issue isn't about the disclosing per se. It's after the fact. I told him he should go get tested immediately to confirm he doesn't already have it and then again later (whenever his doctor recommends, as it seems there are varying time frames to wait for the antibodies to build up). He resisted/denied my request for getting tested right away, claiming he had already been tested for EVERYTHING, including HSV.

But now, a day later, I'm wondering why his story doesn't seem to jive. He claims he recently had a mysterious mouth sore, and that his dentist (visually) diagnosed it as herpes (more obivously type I). So how could he claim he was surprised by this recent symptoms/diagnosis, when he claims he had already been tested for it. He would've come up positive already for at least Type I, no? The mouth sore shouldn't have been a surprise to him, unless he was just making out with someone and somehow got it that way, I suppose. 

Either way, I'd like to insist he get tested right away, in addition to waiting later. That way we could be sure he doesn't already have it.

MY MAIN QUESTION IS: Is that weird of me to ask/insist of him to take a test now?

He seemed comfortable taking my word for it that my last test results came back negative for other STIs. But I'd be willing to take it again if he asked/insisted, in fact I plan to anyway. 

I'd just really like to clear that possibility out right away, so we won't have to wait unnecessarily  another 45+ days for a diagnosis. 

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I would personally insist on STI testing anyway, to make sure he doesn't have anything else that could be transmitted to you. Even though I know that I have Type 2, if I will be getting intimate with anyone in the future, I will still want him to be tested, and I will get tested again. It's part of being a responsible sexual partner. Even if you trust each other, sometimes you just don't KNOW...Hell, I've had Type 2 for at least the last 10-18 years and never knew until last week. And wouldn't have known if I hadn't asked for a full STI panel.

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Maybe he already knows he has HSV1 and his story about the dentist was his way of disclosing without really disclosing. That's why he doesn't care to test... because he knows he will be positive for at least HSV1. IF this is the case, there probably was no recent negative test. I'm not sure why anyone would tell a new interest (one they are trying to sleep with) that a dentist said they MIGHT have herpes if they'd just tested negative. I feel like that'd be counterproductive.

It's also possible that he just THINKS he tested negative for "everything" and he wasn't actually tested for herpes at all. Prior to being diagnosed, I asked for a panel and they never actually tested for herpes until I specifically requested it. 

Or, he's scared and just doesn't want to know the truth... hence refusing to test. 

On another note... I believe that typically, they say to wait 12 weeks after intercourse for the most conclusive results. 

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  • 8 months later...

Here's my follow up to this experience:

The guy's emotions were changing back and forth. I felt like I was at his mercy, after he threatened me with legal and criminal action. He'd go from total and seemingly genuine forgiveness, to paranoia, and back to threats again. After doing everything I could to placate him, I finally stood up to his anger and told him to "get a grip" and that there was nothing else to do but wait (for results so many months later). He cursed me out and then I finally blocked him. Many people had advised me to much earlier on, but I didn't want to shut the door on him until he got results months later, but I had really had enough. I kept my his email address unblocked and he knew where I worked and lived so he could've contacted me either of those ways. However, it's been over 6 months and I have not heard from him since. From his social media posts, it appears he's mostly well.  

Even though some would say his reaction was over the top, and wound up pushing me away, it was one of the toughest lessons of my life.  I am still giving myself credit for coming clean, even if after the fact. I hated reading stories of people who had waited sometimes a decade or more before disclosing. I could not live with that guilt that long.

I am going to write up an experience where I did recently successfully disclose, so I encourage you to read that, especially if you're struggling with disclosing.

 

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