When does it ever mentally get better? Will it ever?

[cantgetoverthis]

Hi everyone. I’ve finally decided to just put how i feel on here, again. I dont know. Sorry if this is triggering, or upsetting, it’s more of a way i just want to somehow get some of my feelings out... and i choose here because i know, i know that H is what triggered this downright spiral of fucked up feelings. Excuse my language, i have no other ways to express how i feel. I was sad before, but now i’m Constantly depressed. I know i will never get better.

But anyway... When does it ever really mentally and emotionally get better? I know I should be lucky, I read this forum everyday and relate and see how much we all go through, but what I struggle mostly is (because physically i guess we cant really control that...) is my emotional and mental state. I feel shit. I cry so much. The effect it has had on me I struggle with. It has been only a few years and yet i am still so sad. Even now, i just cry. I cry while typing this. Relationships make me sad. My friends happiness with their partners and people they date make me sad. They experience things i never get to, they are happy - something i am not, and never ever will be. The concept of happiness is unfamiliar with me. 

I hate that feeling, of being so paranoid. Feeling an itchy feeling, or a tingle somewhere either down there or on your mouth. Trying to do everything to prevent an outbreak, or wondering is it itchy because its hot? Or itchy because of H? Itchy that i’m Going to get an outbreak? Or just itchy uncomfortable? Who knows. The paranoia and being scared.  That feeling is a fucking nightmare. 

I am so emotionally unstable, in that way i mean i am just constantly sad. I literally find no happiness in things, i have no joy. Everything means nothing to me, and when i’m Especially sad, I’m just passing by in life, just like how everyone else is. Except they all have something i dont - something we don’t. Yes, you can tell me that it gets better. Do i know that? Maybe. Do i want it? No. Why would i want to be OK with this? Why would i want to be ok with something like this? I’ve seen the stories,  i see it all. The stigma will never disappear, and i’m Sorry to disappoint but we can’t change how society is, we can’t change how they think. We can only try and that’s okay. But i don’t want their pity. They will never understand. That’s the difference. You’re going to try tell me that it gets better, a person who will never ever feel this, that someone will love me... but would it matter? A person will never complete me, hell, i can hardly even fucking help myself. I hate feeling like I’m so unlovable (yeah yeah... tell me i’m Lovable, we all know these are words that i’ve Just stated mean nothing to me. It wouldn’t matter if someone loved me. How can they love me when i cant even love myself.... thats what people say right? Love yourself first? In fact, i know i will never love myself. I never loved myself before this and i have absolutely no reason to love myself now. They’re just words. Someone telling me they love me? - i dont feel it. I dont see it. They cant help me in years time, they cant help me when I’m experiencing an outbreak, they wont be there to fucking feel what i feel and go through this. They dont. 

Now I’m sorry i sound so fucked up, i know ill never be okay. I just want someone to see how i feel, to understand... someone who isn’t my friend who just thinks I’m complaining, acting as if someone will love me when why would they? My personality is depressing, i see the negativity in everything, oh yeah... the negativity - everything i am negative about, except this damn HSV test ... that’s certainly the only fucking positive thing in my life! I am dull, i am boring, i have no reason to be happy, and i go into an emotional depressing state. I can’t even pretend to express that i’m Happy or as cheery as everyone else i see, this complicates things when it comes to interacting with people, and allowing for constant rejection in the real world, with people who dont feel this and quite possibly never will or have. They’re so lucky. Unlike me, i’m Unlucky. What kind of torture can i continue giving myself? Nothing will fix me. I’m constantly fighting myself because i honestly just dont want to live with this, i cant imagine it. I cant imagine ever going through what people on here go through, i dont want to experience it, the outbreaks constantly, i dont want to live that life. I know my body one day will give up on me and i will, i just dont think I’m ever ready for that, and i dont want to have to constantly think about this, everyday, or next relationship, or next date, or next thing in life, worrying about this, opening about this, disclosing this. No matter how hard it is, the thing is i dont want to live with myself knowing i have this. I guess, i only mostly feel like this when I’m sad, or I’m triggered. Other people’s happiness ... couples. Living a life they dont even need to blink about, or think twice about ever having herpes. They’re living a free life we all wish we had, well ... i wish i had. A life that will never come true, because lets face it, why would we want to hurt someone else with this... most of us are on here because we got herpes not by choice. Why would someone choose this? Unless you’re honestly so sure the person is with you forever, it’s a regretful decision you can never take back. And one you cant ever change. 

So anyway... i’m Too fucked up now. When will it ever get better? When will i stop crying? When will i finally ever be happy for once in my life? When can i ever be free? Because how can i be happy when this is forever lingering in me, in my body, in my mind and fucking up my whole insides just at the thought of knowing i have to live with this for the rest of my life? I sound like I’m newly diagnosed, but I’m not. When will it ever get better? Because every time i think i am ok... honestly? I’m not. I am never okay. I get triggered emotionally and mentally at the thought of just seeing couples, seeing people happy, seeing people live this free fucking guilt free life and I’m here fucken tortured forever. Every time i think about it, i’m Sad and i cant even get out of it. 

when did it ever get better for you? Has it? Because well... nothing is going to make me feel better. Not even getting this out... i feel like I’ve lost everything ,and i did. I lost myself. I lost myself to this, i lost everything. Because what do i have if i dont even have myself ever again emotionally and mentally? Just a physical body i fucking hate. 

Thanks for reading. 

[sweetlove884]

Hello and hugs to you. Are you a man or woman?  Doesn't matter. Just wonder. 

I'm new to this, just diagnosed last month, so I don't have a lot of insight. But I want to let you know I was listening and I care 

Last night I experimented with disclosing on a dating app. After introductory pleasantries, I dove right in.  It didn't seem to run anyone off. One of them came up with a few safe sex activities I wouldn't have thought of. Lol  I may never hear from them again, but at least it was fun and no rejection. 

Maybe you could try some more. 

 

[AW123]

You are not alone in feeling this way. 

I got diagnosed just over a year ago but have had hsv2 for over 2 years....for some reason the swabs kept returning negative so it took a long time to actually get diagnosed and proper treatment (just to add to the trauma of the whole thing). 

Sometimes I feel like you, like theres no point and i dont want to live with this. The depression has at points taken over. I recently started therapy to try to help with this, I guess it takes some of us longer to accept ourselves after finding out. 

I dont have any magical words to make this better for you but I think its about not letting this define you, and finding away to accept that its now part of you. 

Perhaps your focus needs to be more on you rather than a relationship which I think is what upsets you so much. If you can go to see someone, counsellor/therapist whatever I would recommend it. 

[antifragile]

I've had this for almost six years now. I thought that time would heal me emotionally but it has not. I've understood that, atleast for me, time does not heal if I first don't truly accept myself and herpes. So that's the path that I'm taking now, I'm learning to accept myself and life with herpes. I'm starting therapy and I'm going to be more open about this with my friends and family. I don't see any other way out of this depression that I've had for the past years.

[dreamerb2257]

You're not alone in feeling this way! I was diagnosed mid September, and I cried every single day. Anything could trigger tears streaming down my face. I am finally starting to accept the cards I've been dealt. I have highs and lows, and that is normal.

However, I just wanted to share what has helped me in this short period of time. I started seeing a therapist the week after being diagnosed. She creates a safe space and validates all my feelings. I also attended an in person support group that meets once a month. I'm not sure where you live, but there's got to be some in your area! At the meeting, I met a girl who is a part of these secret facebook groups for people with H ... apparently there are a lot of them! She invited me to a meet-up for one of them ... just people from the area all with one thing in common. It has made me feel not so alone and realize there is life after this diagnosis. I met one inspirational girl who is so open about her status and wants to do her part in trying to end the stigma. There is hope ... you've got to just use all the supports around you to make yourself feel better. For me it's being around people who also have H who know exactly how I'm feeling/my daily struggles.

I know it's hard, and I hope my story helps. Giving you hugs because you are not alone. 

[Rouge Noir]

Hi cantgetoverthis, I occasionally browse through this forum but have never actually posted anything. I read your post and thought I must reply to you. I know exactly how you feel and I feel it daily. I have suffered with H for years and for me personally it’s something I can’t seem to get to grips with. I won’t bore you with my story but I suffer with quite bad symptoms on a daily basis and I’m one of the unfortunate ones in as much as antivirals don’t really help me, so not only do I suffer mentally but physically as well. I’m not sure if my post will help in any way but I know how much you suffer, I experience it too and at times I just don’t know what to do. Just know that you are not alone in this and I wish I could help you. I know it’s hard but please take care of yourself x. 

[Michgirl73]

Definitely understand the struggle. I’m struggling too! I feel a lot of what your saying. This sucks, I just wish I would of had the choice to know, my ex knew he had it but didn’t tell me. I just hate myself at times for being so stupid and not questioning him. Idk.. it’s hard, wondering if I will ever be normal again. I wanted to just die for the longest time. I just think this is just a hard thing to accept and thinking that I have to tell someone if I start a relationship.. I already hate myself for this and to put myself through rejection sounds even more painful. Not sure if I will ever be able to have a relationship again because of this which makes me extremely sad. 

[Ubikwity]

Hey there Cantgetoverthis and All,

To give you hope, I want to let you know that I've had H for maybe two years and my life is great!

I developed H near the end of a relationship. Both the diagnosis and the loss of the man I loved left me shattered. Fortunately, I'd gone through tough times before-breast cancer left me with reconstructed boobs. They're not bad but naked you wouldn't mistake them for the real thing. So going forward I was very self-conscious of my body and sure my love life was over. What man would be turned on by my Franken-boobs?   I put my sights on making the best life I could make for myself and let the idea of a romantic, loving relationship out of mind.

It took some time and a lot of work but both after the run-in with BC and H, I put one foot in front of the other and climbed out of the deep hole I was in. Meditated, exercised, put some make up on, fixed my hair, called friends to meet for coffee. Developed a new hobby and got good at it. Made new friends and found myself laughing. A LOT! My outlook is sunny, and I have to tell you people want to be near someone with that attitude, both men and women.

From a relationship standpoint, I dont have a problem attracting men, however my standards have left me appropriately picky. Not going to lie, I did get into a relationship with a wonderful man and it ended because of H. *I* ended it, not him. He tried to downplay it but I could tell he was so worried about getting H from me, even though we used condoms and I was on suppressive therapy. That was hard for me and I do miss him, however I know that life throws us ALL a lot of curve balls. I do not want a man who can't handle the possibility of getting H from me. Good lord how will he handle a REAL crisis?

I'm quite a lot older than most here and wishing you all could look through my lens of time.  I know it feels like your life is over but it's not and there are wonderful days ahead for each of you. Embrace your future filled with joy and love and peace. Chin up!

 

 

 

[New2GH]

@Ubikwity

Every time I read a post or response of yours it soothes my soul.  Thank you for being you and sharing your wonderful self with us 🙂.

 

[Michgirl73]

11 hours ago, Ubikwity said:

Hey there Cantgetoverthis and All,

To give you hope, I want to let you know that I've had H for maybe two years and my life is great!

I developed H near the end of a relationship. Both the diagnosis and the loss of the man I loved left me shattered. Fortunately, I'd gone through tough times before-breast cancer left me with reconstructed boobs. They're not bad but naked you wouldn't mistake them for the real thing. So going forward I was very self-conscious of my body and sure my love life was over. What man would be turned on by my Franken-boobs?   I put my sights on making the best life I could make for myself and let the idea of a romantic, loving relationship out of mind.

It took some time and a lot of work but both after the run-in with BC and H, I put one foot in front of the other and climbed out of the deep hole I was in. Meditated, exercised, put some make up on, fixed my hair, called friends to meet for coffee. Developed a new hobby and got good at it. Made new friends and found myself laughing. A LOT! My outlook is sunny, and I have to tell you people want to be near someone with that attitude, both men and women.

From a relationship standpoint, I dont have a problem attracting men, however my standards have left me appropriately picky. Not going to lie, I did get into a relationship with a wonderful man and it ended because of H. *I* ended it, not him. He tried to downplay it but I could tell he was so worried about getting H from me, even though we used condoms and I was on suppressive therapy. That was hard for me and I do miss him, however I know that life throws us ALL a lot of curve balls. I do not want a man who can't handle the possibility of getting H from me. Good lord how will he handle a REAL crisis?

I'm quite a lot older than most here and wishing you all could look through my lens of time.  I know it feels like your life is over but it's not and there are wonderful days ahead for each of you. Embrace your future filled with joy and love and peace. Chin up!

 

 

 

Thank you! And your right it gives me hope on days when this seems like it over. 

[cantgetoverthis]

Hi everyone. Here is my reply to everyone and thank you all for replying! I’m assuming everyone will read the reply to each person so that way I don’t need to repeat myself to each person in different circumstances lol

@sweetlove884 - hey, I’m a girl to clarify since you’ve asked. That’s nice you’ve experienced with dating apps, lol I wonder what kind of ideas they would have thought of? I don’t think I’m one of those people that can handle like rejection through that, but I do know that if you do want something long term, I would suggest not diving straight into it, because if you think about it, it changes a lot and I guess as long as you disclose at a certain time then it’s okay and to deal with the rejection then. But it’s nice you’ve got some good outcomes from the dating app! 

@AW123 - How do you know you really have had it for over 2 years? The impact must’ve hit when you were properly diagnosed though right? I’m glad therapy has worked out for you. It has been bad for me, its weird right? I went to one specifically for these types of things... yet the counsellor knew nothing about HSV nor even had any knowledge or has even gone through this so I just sat there crying, triggered back into a depression before an exam when I knew they couldn’t even help me. That was a waste of time, I’ve always had bad experienced with counsellors not matter what. I think no matter how much you’ve ‘accepted’ having herpes, at the same time it will always define you, no matter how much you try not to because it’s not something you can just ignore especially when it comes back to bite you when you don’t want it the most. I’m not the type to focus on myself, I’ve always put others first and this has probably lead to why I hate myself so much at times because there is honestly nothing I can do to save myself, that is the problem, and on top of that no one understands. I’d rather have someone than be alone and I know it’s a bad thing but I’d like to know that someone will still love me and I can love them even if I’m just falling apart constantly. And as I’ve said the experience is bad with counsellors and therapists... I guess you could say the things I used to be depressed about were nothing compared to this in the end. 

@antifragile - Thanks for being honest. I know for me, time won’t heal me either, the impact emotionally and mentally has been too much.  That’s good you’re taking the time to learn to accept yourself and your life with herpes after this long. I hope therapy works out for you and letting people know in your life. I’ve let some people know in my life, and it truly bothers me - I regret telling them. I hate the pity they put upon me and this burden I carry knowing that they will laugh at the fact that anyone I’m with... well... they’ll know this person knows I know and could get it or has it. It’s a real shitty feeling. When I got diagnosed, I went through the first six really suicidal months of my life ALONE. My friends could not comfort me, I literally cried constantly everywhere, it sucked. But I know that if I got through those first 6 months really suicidal alone, then that really speaks something. But on top of that, that’s probably why I am so emotionally and mentally all messed up. I’m glad you’ve found something to help you accept it and I truly hope it works out for you. This is a crazy experience! 

@dreamerb2257 - It’s nice knowing you know how I feel. Crying every single day. Wow, September! It’s been about a month! That’s good you sought out a therapist after being diagnosed. As I’ve said about, my experience has been bad - it’s hard trusting and it’s even hard trusting a therapist/counsellor who has no experience or knowledge in this field... I hate the judgement (this is because I can see it that they truly don’t care and I say this because I would know how to approach someone who’s been hurt and traumatised by this and other factors in life that just leads to everything being all messed up...)  I haven’t looked for anyone in my area with this, I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. I don’t want to go through being reminded constantly even though I go on here like everyday... making me feel sad at the same time knowing what everyone goes through and how most of us never had a choice. I don’t think my area is really open about these type of things - as most people know, H is not in the testing fields and here, they wouldn’t let me even know my result in a blood test, they refused to even though I said it’d give me closure, all I have is a reply in a text message saying my diagnosis... which is really shitty! That’s really nice that you realise you’re not alone and that you met an inspirational girl who is open about it, though remember, not everyone can handle rejection and judgment and the stigma as easily as others. It’s nice some people can, but for me it’s really the judgement and word getting around hence why I regret telling some friends. I know no one else in my life who has H other than my ex, and guess what? He never ever told me so.... I’m the one left to struggle.

@Rouge Noir - Thanks for posting here since you never post anything. It’s nice knowing there are some people you can just relate and connect with more. For me I guess the problem is more emotionally and mentally since as I said above, i went through like 6 months suicidal after diagnosis. My ex ghosted me and I had to do this all on my own. He couldn’t handle that, and on top of that he’s the one who made me even more depressed before diagnosis. He was really fucked up... and now so am I forever. I’m sorry you have to suffer with bad symptoms daily, I would recommend taking supplements... at least it makes you feel like you’re doing something! I’m sorry that antivirals aren’t doing so much. I always keep lots just for the sake of paranoia, it’s so awful lol. Your post has helped, and I hope the other replies from people do too. You can always message me, perhaps we can help each other in life. You take care of yourself too!

@Michgirl73 - I know how you feel with the choice thing. The struggle is real lol. My ex knew too and didn’t tell me. He didn’t even know what a cold sore is????? Like who gets canker sores and cold sores confused. Oh god, the anger it makes me feel lol! I didn’t question him too!!! What I hate the most is I went against my gut - I decided to trust him because he would always leave me if I didn’t do something for him, and I thought if I asked, then he would surely leave me or say shit to me! It is hard wondering if we’ll ever be normal again. What I hate is how I always wanted to be normal... and I guess that wish came true huh? .. Have something that so many of the world has inside their body...  I can totally relate - wanting to die, how relationships will be and having to accept this. I don’t think I’ll ever get over it, but it’s all I can do. This is going to forever be part of your life and part of mine (No matter how much that kills me and how I don’t want to live with this). But I guess this is how life is. To make myself feel better, I always say ‘everything happens for a reason’ because well what other explanation could there be? Other than feeling bad about our actions, think about what it has opened up for you. People find confidence, others don’t but I want you to understand that when you do choose to find a relationship, this will help you find someone who will show you how much you’re worth, how much you should be loved and someone who will understand. I want you to see it from my perspective - if I never got herpes, I would continue dating shitty guys who would keep important things like this from us, and I say important because everyone should still deserve a choice. So even though I said above I hate rejection, I would just hope that they won’t reject me, but even so, I would have given someone that choice that someone like our ex didn’t give to us, and that’s just moral based. Hope that you find someone trustworthy that you can open up to and will understand how this has affected you as well as others and that it’s alright. It would make me extremely sad, but you will be able to find someone, you are someone who clearly cares about others, and I believe that H opens up a lot in understanding things we would’ve never understood until something like this happened to us. 

@Ubikwity - I’m glad life is great for you and that it has helped you. Am I able to ask, did you get breast cancer before having H or after? It’s really nice to know you’re a fighter! I think that’s nice you found something that helped you, for me meditating is not something for me. I’m an over thinker and my mind is constantly thinking and racing, I just don’t think like others. A friend of mine would tell me to meditate or do yoga, and honestly, I just don’t have the brain capacity to empty out to focus like that - if I could then I wouldn’t be in such an issue like this if I could temporarily try give myself peace like that! It seems like you have a good support system, this is something I don’t really have. I’ve always kind of been a really negative person in life, it really sucks, but I really think it is nice you found that attitude and outlook of something great, and why wouldn’t you! You’ve gone through so much, honestly H would probably be like nothing compared to BC! But yes, relationship wise, H does cause something in our minds, because it involves potentially affecting someone else, and that is what hurts, giving this to someone else who gave it to us. I think you did the right thing though, even if a guy is such a great guy, if he was so worried, it wouldn’t work out. I know they try downplay H but we all know it will still carry a heavy feeling on our shoulders so it’s best to find someone who doesn’t downplay it but truly doesn’t care and honestly, see it for what it is... a skin infection. But you did the right thing, if he’s worrying now, the real thing will be crushing! I think the difference with many people on here, as you said you are much older, and many of these people here are young adults, or even late teens and that’s when it’s most crushing - knowing your life is still so young and people are so, so, so judgemental in society that the stigma really does have a kill on us. I hope you can understand that too. I know it should be better in the future, but when you’re carrying a burden like this, that’s what affects most people on here who struggle! Though I do understand what you mean!

 

Thanks everyone for replying. I just want you all to know it’s really nice and sorry I hadn’t replied straight away. Short background about me, I got this from a guy in my late teens, the first guy I’ve ever been with. My ex is not a normal person, always wanting to die, telling me I wouldn’t understand, all of that shit. It sucks because now i can finally understand. I hate I wasn’t never given the choice, but now I can give others the choice even though it kills me inside. The emotional impact and mental impact it has played on my head and brain and my body, just really fucked up. As I said earlier in this post, I went through 6 months suicidal alone, the rest are more just a constant depression, but I want you all to know that even though it creates such a feeling over us, this is something that will come and go, even though in us forever but I know it doesn’t mean the end. I know this is such a completely feeling from my original post. I guess you could say, today I’m not as depressed as my other days. If you are worried about being in a relationship and such, there will be someone there who will be with you, for you, H or not. I want you to know that for someone like me, even though I guess I can say that H ruined my life, it also let me know that even though I’d settle for someone shitty, as I previously have because of H, it also lets you know that you will find someone after you disclose to this person, someone you may genuinely want, that they want you for you. Not just for sex. They want you for you and are willing to ‘risk’ it for you, that it is no issue, that H is just that. It’s just a skin infection. You will get through these feelings, the same way I try and struggle to. Some days are better than the next, some are completely like my original post and wanting to die. But we have a community here and it is something we all have in common, and it is this same very skin infection and a stigma the world places on it and us, but you know what? That’s okay! 💜💜

[Michgirl73]

Thank you so much with tears coming down my face.. I have had a bad week with this and I appreciate u taking time for your special message to me!

[cantgetoverthis]

@Michgirl73 it’s okay. If you need someone to talk to you can message me. Sorry my message was so long, you will be alright, no matter how hard and how much of a struggle this is!! 

[Ubikwity]

Cantgetoverthis,

I homestly believe that everyone can cut off the cycle of negative thinking. Including you. It takes practice! No one is good at something they're unfamiliar with until they try over and over. When my brain was in a utter storm and I couldn't turn off the thinking, I used a free app called prana breath. Essentially you follow the directions for breathing exactly. It takes a lot of focus, and you do it only for a few minutes, but while you are focusing carefully on the app's directions you're NOT thinking of the catestrophic thoughts your brain is constantly marinating in.  You'll drop the story line you've been telling yourself, even for just a few minutes, and you'll FEEL better. I want you to live your best life, but that starts with YOU, putting one foot in front of the other and doing the work that needs to be done to take care of yourself. You can do this!