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Jasmine10

Just need to pour my heart out...need support

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It's been 19 days since my life changed.  

I know nothing I write will be ANYTHING new to the folks here, but I feel like I have to just get it out in hope that hearing some positive words can help.  My meditation app says to share it with fellow sufferers and that you will feel better (a cancer program cos I couldn't find anything for us).  I actually feel like cancer is better than this because  1. people will at least sympathize with you and of course support you 2. people would still wanna sleep with you 3. it CAN be fucking cured and 4.  if it can't be cured well then you're gonna die soon anyway so it's not like you're gonna suffer that much longer.  Whereas this?  A lifetime of being condemned?  And I rage at the unfairness of this stigma, all because some bigpharmas want to make money now millions of people have to live lives less than what it could have been.  I actually was diagnosed w Cervical dysplasia and haven't had a recheck yet.  I read HSV 2 doubles the chance it turns into cancer - I can't believe I'm actually thinking maybe that will be better, then I can die soon. It's so crazy yet I know so many have entertained similar suicidal thoughts so I'm just going to share my darkest thought.  And yes of course I've thought of just ending my life but can't think of an easy way to do it. 

I am also SO upset at myself. SO upset. I don't even feel upset at the guy I'm internalizing ALL the blame.  Yes he was probably the most gorgeous guy I had ever gone on a date with, yes he said when I asked "no condom?" "I don't have anything, do you?" but how could I have trusted a guy I was only out with for a second time, whom I met on Tinder, whose last name I didn't even know? I later found it he had used a fake name and wouldn't give me any details that would allow me to figure out who he really is - and I now think it's because he has this and wants to infect women anonymously. He also unmatched me on tinder the very next day.  I managed to find out his real name..but like what am I going to do with it?  I'm not going to press charges and have everyone know MY dirty little secret now. 

I regret SO badly the friend who suggested I use Tinder I NEVER used it because it was known as a hook up app. I regret so badly the decision that caused me to stay in this one city longer than I otherwise would have (and if i had just waited ONE more day ONE more day to make that decision and got one last piece of information I needed, I would have decided otherwise WHY was I so impatient WHY.), and was therefore bored and decided to go on tinder - I was on it for 3 days before going inactive it as I lost interest, when this model of a guy messaged me and I thought oh well why not? look at that BODY! Coming to this city has been so great for my career. But it has destroyed the rest of my life, and is already completely negatively impacting my career because I can't focus for SHIT on it. 

It's like at so many points, my path could have been different with just a different choice. Oh all the IF ONLYS -it's really eating me up inside. My life would have gone on as per usual - and from my vantage point now, I see how GOOD I really had it.  And I realized it then too! It's not like I took it for granted.  I was finally feeling happy and that I loved my life.  After struggling for years I was finally finally in a good place with men and dating, and with just my emotional and mental happiness in general.  Even my career that has long been a struggle, was finally starting to show signs of positivity and I was finally feeling the commitment to give it 100%

And now all that has turned to shit.  I literally called the universe a big fucking cunt.  Really, you see me FINALLY in a good place with men with so many attractive suitors (having a rough time w men had been my big stumbling block for the last 3 years), FINALLY happy, FINALLY filled on an almost daily basis with gratitude for my wonderful life, and then you have a man yank it away from me just like this.  This is the act of a fucking CUNT. (pardon me if you're feeling triggered by the word)

You know what I hate? I hate waking up in the mornings.  I finally go to sleep and it's often peaceful (with so far just one nightmare of infecting my hypothetical partner) but that means when I first wakeup from a relatively peaceful slumber..I wake up into a nightmare. I WAKE UP EVERY MORNING IN A NIGHTMARE.  That is the worst part.  To wake up after being able to be unconscious about this for 6-8 hours and realize I'm still in this nightmare.  This is really happening.   I cannot believe it yet it really did happen.  And I'm trying so hard to do mind over matter and take all my herbs n supplements in the hopes that it's not too late to reverse this, that if I fight this now then maybe I will never get another OB and it will all go back to normal - but the stress...and you all know stress is a trigger.  I have these weird feelings in my stomach...I am guessing this is anxiety?  I think it's anxiety. Depression of course that I can recognize.  When I go out and socialize, I can sorta get my shit together and I feel relatively ok cos I'm connecting with people.  Today I was with some people and then i left to go home and as i was about to get on the bus I thought omg I don't want to go home.  Home and alone is where the nightmare starts again. And I went back to re-join them.  When it finally came time to leave, the stomach palpitations started again.  I've no one with me.  I will never have anyone with me.  

Every day is a struggle.  From the worst part of the day - the morning nightmare that I realize I am now living in, that will always be living in, fighting depression throughout the day, USUALLY to feeling a bit better by night when I am socializing, reading posts on this forum and the internet and googling if there will be a cure and feeling not so terrible by the time I go to bed (usually) and then waking up in the morning and the nightmare starts.  Most people start of the day bright and fresh right? I start it off with a nightmare and then it gets progressively better throughout the day, but just when I think I'm done and go to bed, I wake up in this nightmare all over again.  I'm not the only one who feels they wake up in a nightmare am I?  Are mornings the hardest for other people too?

And it's not comforting to read that non newly diagnosed people are still struggling years later.  So it can actually not get any better! And how can it?  THERE IS NO FUCKING CURE! My symptoms are hardly anything.  Had I not had a freakout about not using protection and googled possible stds and checked, I would have never noticed the two little spots that gave me no physical pain but have now caused more emotional anguish than I've ever known my entire life.   And I am sad that there might never be a cure because Pharma has no incentive to cure this.  Theravax was stopped because of lack of funding for phase 3 trials it wasn't reported that it stopped cos it wasn't working.  It would take really someone like that "rogue" scientist that tested his vacccine in the Caribbean (that a lot of people in the trial said really helped them actually), someone really passionate about this to really get a cure.  But he's dead now.  Who else will there be?

How is it that a condition that causes SO LITTLE physical harm, can bring full grown men and women like myself to the verge of ending their physical existence.  How can this be so?

I think today was the day I finally admitted to myself that I don't have the strength. I don't have the strength to handle this.  At first I tried to tell myself that there are certainly worse things right, could have been HIV, I could have lost limbs in an accident but it's not enough no amount of it could have been worse makes me feel better because - it could have also NOT been this AND anything else worse. I could have gone on my happy and amazing life.  I'm usually single, and was not worried about finding a partner - I figured ok if it comes it comes. But to think and feel that now i'm NEVER going to find one, or that my already slim chances (for various reasons) have now all but evaporated...just brings me to the depths of despair.  I never knew how important it was to me to find love (i've never been truly in love before) until now, when it seems like I never will.  And I know there are many success stories but I've also heard so many stories of disclosure going the other way that I can't help but feel pessimistic.  And yes of course I've debated with not disclosing and acting like I don't have it - but I also know the stress of not doing will likely eat me inside.  I messaged someone here who chose not to disclose and I see it eating HIM up inside.   It's a lose-lose situation damned if you disclose damned if you don't.  And yes maybe just maybe there's the possibility of someone being ok with it - like REALLY ok  (not say they are ok then change their minds) but I can't imagine someone would be.  If a guy came up to me with all these facts and all I did was google "herpes" and see those images and see that hsv 2 comes with what 4-6 recurrences the first YEAR I'd totally freak out too and run away because I'd think no guy is 1. worth doing that to myself physically and 2. mentally having to bear the burden of this stigma the rest of my life. Like if things didn't work out between us then I'm now a pariah and can't find anyone else? Who would sign up for this?  I'm so glad for EVERYONE who found people who didn't care but from my vantage point I just don't see how a rational person would sign up for the risk of contracting something so so so psychologically damaging even if you can manage the physical symptoms.  Unless you are so SURE someone is life partner material but even then...how many marriages end in divorce again?  And to go back into the dating world with this liability...I know I wouldn't take that risk so I can't see how someone else would for me.  And people say the right guy won't care etc, but it's not like I'm Scarlett Johannsen where guys would take a bullet AND herpes just for the chance to fuck her. And I'm not unattractive, I was confident of my abilities to attract a guy before this, but that confidence is all gone now.  I look in the mirror and I see this beautiful girl with a gorgeous figure, intelligent (but not intelligent enough to fucking say NO to unprotected sex with a fucking STRANGER whose last name I didn't know - like HOW is it that I protect my fucking PHONE with a cover but I don't protect MY OWN BODY?!) whom NO guy is going to want now.  (I know many here will beg to differ, but I can't seem to see it otherwise. I can't see how anyone who cared about their physical and mental health would want to take that risk for anyone (other than Scarlett J :). I've talked to my shrink 3 days in ONE week. She has FOUR clients who all told guys they were dating and they didn't care.  I couldn't believe it. It gives me a BIT of hope but really not much.  I just don't see my "dream" guy going for it.  Do I have to settle for less of a guy than I otherwise would have been able to have because of this?  I do feel that way.  And more so, I'm trying to tell myself it's not so bad if I never have a life partner...I mean the Dalai Lama is single and happy right?  But it still breaks my heart.  I wanted to at least have the HOPE of finally finding someone. I love watching romantic movies.  Now they are just going to be sad movies for me, of what I will never have.  I even think of setting up a colony/community of die hard singles so we will at least have each other to grow old with. 

And I can't share this with any friend.  Well I did with two acquaintances cos I knew they have this too.  I just hope they keep my confidence.  But I have been unable to share this with anyone else in my real circle of friends it's so painful and I can't share.  Everyone looks at how amazing my life and career looks on social media...and I read the congratulations!! and I think - but I have this. I have this. And I can't even absorb my friends feeling happy for me because I have this big giant reason not to be happy. To be more miserable than at any other point in my life.  To feel like my life is no longer worth living. 

Yes I know intellectually it's stupid to take one's life cos of a benign skin condition.  I DON'T EVEN HAVE BAD SYMPTOMS! But the psychological burden is too much for me to bear.  I don't think I'm strong enough.  Does medication help? Anti-anxiety and anti-depression pills? Does that help the mental anguish?  And I want to call my shrink now just to cry to her. Like we don't even have to talk. I have to now PAY someone just to cry to because I can't tell this to any friend. (I also had a friend once tell me HER friend had herpes. I BARELY know her friend. PEOPLE TALK and if word gets out i'd be just so so embarrassed) I am going for my cervical dysplasia check up soon, and I almost want to have cancer now so I can cry to my friends and say it's cancer when really it's this, and tell them no my life is NOT going as great as it looks on social media I'm having a total and complete breakdown and i have never been this close to ending my life than now. 

I am in tears now. I am finally in tears after writing this far and finally pouring it all out in full. For days I couldn't cry I don't know why I couldnt cry. The first several days couldn't bring myself to shed a tear was just numb I think.  Then I had to send a message to this REALLY sweet guy I was JUST starting to date, saying I couldn't see him anymore. And I broke down and cried at having to send that message. Today is the second time in 19 days I cried. And I can't tell my family.  My parents have been married for donkey years and were each other's firsts. My siblings have both always been in long term rships.  I'm the only one always single, and now they'll know that I've been fucking around and it's going to be all my fault.  It's not like cancer that comes to the most innocent of people.  And I realize how WELL condoms protect us you know? I've had a decent amount of fun, and condoms always kept me safe.  Now this ONE mistake and a lifetime to pay for it.  For what 2 mins - and he wasn't even good! FUCK THIS ASSHOLE!! Wow so the tears have finally come...this was what it took.  It took me really just sharing everything I think and feel, rather than thinking them over and over again in my head.  

If you took the time to read this at all, even some of it, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being a witness to my breakdown. Because my closest and dearests cannot. 

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Hey Jasmine10,

I know it feels terrible right now, but the fact that you don't have terrible symptoms is incredible! The reason is hurts so much is because of the stigma surrounding it. I mean, most people think that herpes is this always painful thing that never goes. I remember my roommate telling me that she had gotten herpes from her boyfriend. She was SO upset, she never slept around, it was her 3rd long-term boyfriend. Having herpes does NOT mean that you sleep around. Anyone can get it. When she first told me, I thought that it was something that was constant, your genitals would look deformed from the lesions that would forever be there. How uneducated I truly was. The stigma is there because of the lack of education.

The reason you're suffering is because you know you have herpes. I mean, think about the millions of people who have NO CLUE they have herpes and therefore dont worry. But they're the ones spreading this virus because they dont realize they're being tested.

I know its tough thinking that you may never find someone, but that isn't true. I myself have never had a long term boyfriend and after having a herpes scare (which I did  end up contracting), I thought that no one will ever love me because I would have never dated someone with herpes. But then I realized how wrong I was... and I understand why people tell others to before disclosing. I remembered how my freshman year I was head over heels in love with this guy (who I only ever kissed during parties, nothing else ever happened) and stated to myself "I just wish we could be together, I mean even if he has HIV, we can make this work!"

I am not trying to demonize HIV at all, and this was before U=U, but after getting herpes I realized, you know what, if I would have dated someone with an STD such as HIV,  and if I was head over heels for someone with herpes, that probably wouldn't stop me from dating and having sex with them. I got diagnosed with GHSV1, however, becoming educated has made me realize that I would still have sex with someone who had GHSV2, and hopefully that person would be ok with having sex with someone with GHSV1. However, I would personally still use protection and ensure that we are both on antivirals to try and prevent from getting each others strain.

I think that how the stigma of herpes affects us is how we stigmatized herpes before getting it. If we thought that herpes was this disgusting virus and we would never date anyone with it, then that's what we believe about ourselves. But it is our responsibility to change the stigma, and it starts with you understanding that it isn't the end of the world.

if I'm being honest I think its pretty cool. Obviously it sucks having herpes but as someone who love microbiology and virology I always think "it's crazy how I am literally a home for these tiny little creatures" maybe that's a gross thought to you, but for me it makes the thought of a stigmatized virus seem as not so bad, especially because its not nearly as bad as people make it out to be.

It really does suck that you can't change the past but you can change the future. Whether its by de-stigmatizing herpes, or growing other relationships so that you have support, it truly can be an eye opening opportunity.

🙂

Feel better,

this isnt the end of the world!

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I read all of this, and all I have to say is I am right there with you. Things were going great for me too, and then this! It definitely seems unfair and like fate is trying to punish you.

This isn’t the end of your life though! You will be able to have sex, and you will be able to find love. Maybe just take a step back and focus on healing yourself first. Maybe it’s just too soon for you to start dating again, and that’s okay! It just takes time.

Also, you don’t have to tell your family. You can just tell them that you haven’t met the right person. Which sounds like it’s true.

Anyways, let me know if you need to vent. I found this post really relatable.

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I was diagnosed oct. 13th & I’m am devastated as well and self blaming too . I’m here for you

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Hi 

I am so sorry you are going through so much pain!

I've got to say though, I don't find having Herpes is even half as bad as your post seems to believe.
For some people the OB'S can be terrible & severe & for those poor people, it is certainly hard to deal with,
but for most people it is just an annoying hindrance.
I get an OB once a year, it goes fairly quickly, I don't worry what I eat & I have stress in my life sometimes
but even that does not bring it on as I don't let Herpes bother me.

The worse thing about having Herpes is that it means, you have to disclose & you can be rejected.
Rejection fucking hurts but people also reject you for other things, so you have just got to look at it like that.

I am 8 years in, I have a great partner & we do not compromise in our relationship at all

You can still have a happy, incredible life, this thing is simply not worth thinking of ending it all for.
If you are struggling with anxiety & depression, seek help, get some therapy, personally I think its better than pills, but each to their own.

It really does get easier to deal with over time for most.

I wish you all the best of luck & big hugs!

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Hi, Jasmine. I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone with the self loathing and guilt. I also got this horrible virus from a stranger that I met on whisper. I had been abstinent for six months because I had just HAD it with dating and men. But I stupidly decided to have a fling with a nice looking man who told me lots of lies to seem like a decent person. Let me tell you, after the one night stand I decided THEN to google him and found an arrest record with lots of DUIs and soliciting sex online with a minor. I felt sick and ashamed and angry with myself. If only I had listened to my gut instincts before we went to that hotel room. If only I had made myself get to know him better. If only....

 

i met the love of my life the very next week. I made him wait a month for sex after the previous incident and got myself tested for STDs. All negative. I had no symptoms. I fell madly in love and now have to live with the fact that I infected him for the rest of his life because I was selfish and stupid. He just says, “I’m so glad it happened with you” and that it’s no big deal, but I am devastated and cry all the time about what I did to him and myself. I even wanted to confront the man that gave me herpes but he is serving jail time for the sex offense until at least February of next year. At least he’s away from society. Makes me sick to think he was going to try to have sex with some little 13 year old girl and give her this illness and stigma for the rest of her life, too. What a POS. I wish someone would find a cure. I’m now expecting a child with my fiancé. I have my first doctors appointment and have to confess this horrid secret.

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I just did a little experiment with a dating app similar to Tinder. I stopped swiping with 6 matches. 

After introductions I told them I was looking for someone with herpes, because I have it. 

They all said they didn't have it. I thanked them for their time and basically said they were dismissed. 

2 very strongly want to meet me and date me anyway. 1 discussed some creative, safe things we could do and is still hanging around. The other 3 unmatched, but ALL we're super sweet and understanding.  

It was a great experience 

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35 minutes ago, Southernnurse said:

Hi, Jasmine. I just wanted to let you know you’re not alone with the self loathing and guilt. I also got this horrible virus from a stranger that I met on whisper. I had been abstinent for six months because I had just HAD it with dating and men. But I stupidly decided to have a fling with a nice looking man who told me lots of lies to seem like a decent person. Let me tell you, after the one night stand I decided THEN to google him and found an arrest record with lots of DUIs and soliciting sex online with a minor. I felt sick and ashamed and angry with myself. If only I had listened to my gut instincts before we went to that hotel room. If only I had made myself get to know him better. If only....

 

i met the love of my life the very next week. I made him wait a month for sex after the previous incident and got myself tested for STDs. All negative. I had no symptoms. I fell madly in love and now have to live with the fact that I infected him for the rest of his life because I was selfish and stupid. He just says, “I’m so glad it happened with you” and that it’s no big deal, but I am devastated and cry all the time about what I did to him and myself. I even wanted to confront the man that gave me herpes but he is serving jail time for the sex offense until at least February of next year. At least he’s away from society. Makes me sick to think he was going to try to have sex with some little 13 year old girl and give her this illness and stigma for the rest of her life, too. What a POS. I wish someone would find a cure. I’m now expecting a child with my fiancé. I have my first doctors appointment and have to confess this horrid secret.

Thanks you so much for the words of comfort and sharing your story - you ARE so lucky though you met your love right after and he fell in love with you and you are happily together with him AND he sounds wonderful and understanding about it!! No need to stress about dating with stigma! I'm sure the doctor will have seen many patients with this and will be understanding (and I believe the risk is SUPER low for your child) don't worry!! Wishing you a healthy happy baby

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1 minute ago, sweetlove884 said:

I just did a little experiment with a dating app similar to Tinder. I stopped swiping with 6 matches. 

After introductions I told them I was looking for someone with herpes, because I have it. 

They all said they didn't have it. I thanked them for their time and basically said they were dismissed. 

2 very strongly want to meet me and date me anyway. 1 discussed some creative, safe things we could do and is still hanging around. The other 3 unmatched, but ALL we're super sweet and understanding.  

It was a great experience 

😂😂😂 YOU ARE DISMISSED BECAUSE YOU DON''T HAVE H!!!!!! LOLOLOLLLL! THANK YOU for lightening up my mood hahahha!

THAT is AMAZING 2 v strongly wanted to meet you and date you anyway oh my god! I can't believe this, BEFORE even meeting you! and ALL were super sweet n understanding??? wow! Are you drop dead gorgeous btw 🙂 Which app is this? THANK YOU for giving me so much hope!!

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Hey @herpnerve thank you so much for your kind and comforting words.  It means so much to me.   I only had two real experiences that shaped my opinion of this.  Once in college when my best friend told me how her friend is now devastated cos she has H2, the "Bad kind" and then another much more recent experience just this year or last year when my guy friend was sharing us the story of how this really great girl disclosed to him she had H and he backed out and she cried and I felt so so sad for her and so now i feel so so sad for me that I'm going to be like that girl.  ALSO the fucking first doc I went to when he said "i think this is H" and I exclaimed "omg! NO guy is going to want me now right?" he FUCKING NODDED HIS HEAD! Thankfully when I went to second doc for second opinion he said  "it's not a big deal, it's VERY VERY common, just keep your immunity up and it shouldn't give you any more problems". 

But yes, I can see how my only two real world experiences with people talking about this would make me feel like this is the worst thing in the world to have for dating.  I'm VERY heartened by @sweetlove884 s experiment lol thank you (Sweetlove not sure if you can see my replies to you above I only just realized I should have tagged you in the above responses where I quoted you)

I do feel better today - I DID NOT WAKE UP FEELING LIKE I HAD JUST WOKEN UP INTO A NIGHTMARE! THAT IS HUGE PROGRESS! Still depressed throughout the day and as usual better now that it's night time and I've had the chance to speak to peeps including peeps from this awesome community.

THANK YOU both for your support from the bottom of my heart!

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2 hours ago, Amando said:

Hi 

I am so sorry you are going through so much pain!

I've got to say though, I don't find having Herpes is even half as bad as your post seems to believe.
For some people the OB'S can be terrible & severe & for those poor people, it is certainly hard to deal with,
but for most people it is just an annoying hindrance.
I get an OB once a year, it goes fairly quickly, I don't worry what I eat & I have stress in my life sometimes
but even that does not bring it on as I don't let Herpes bother me.

The worse thing about having Herpes is that it means, you have to disclose & you can be rejected.
Rejection fucking hurts but people also reject you for other things, so you have just got to look at it like that.

I am 8 years in, I have a great partner & we do not compromise in our relationship at all

You can still have a happy, incredible life, this thing is simply not worth thinking of ending it all for.
If you are struggling with anxiety & depression, seek help, get some therapy, personally I think its better than pills, but each to their own.

It really does get easier to deal with over time for most.

I wish you all the best of luck & big hugs!

Thanks so much @Amando really appreciate your support and thank you for helping me see it isn't that bad...judging from my primary I am lucky and if this is the worst it gets, yes physically i got "lucky" and yes emotionally is where I feel all this pain cos I am now deathly afraid of the rejection (and the first doc I went to when i exclaimed "No guy is going to want me now right?" he fucking nodded his FUCKING HEAD!) and also if word gets around if people tell others and also i've a public facing job. 

Happy to hear you have a great partner and a happy incredible life!!!!! OHHHHH I WANT THAT TOO! Thank you for showing it's possible. I tried therapy multiple sessions and i've never had to use pills to fix my mood before but this seems beyond my power and another person here said the pills helped so i'm gonna do what i can as no amount of "positive thinking" seems to help me really get over this deep despair and depression I trudge through every day.  How long did it take you to get over the emotional upset?

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Aww. I'm glad I could help. Drop dead gorgeous, no but they are sweet to compliment my looks. But I'm a very much older woman!  Lol. And these are YOUNG guys. 

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48 minutes ago, sweetlove884 said:

Aww. I'm glad I could help. Drop dead gorgeous, no but they are sweet to compliment my looks. But I'm a very much older woman!  Lol. And these are YOUNG guys. 

LOVE IT!!!!!!!!! YOU GO GIRL 🙂

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15 hours ago, Jasmine10 said:

How long did it take you to get over the emotional upset?

If by my emotional upset you mean when I first found out I had Herpes, I didn't have any emotional upset to be honest!
It just wasn't that big deal to me.
It became a bigger deal for the first time in 8 years, early this year, when I got rejected by someone I thought was incredibly special. That was painful & still hurts but I just try & move on & not think about it.
I got back with my ex girlfriend who I had been with for 6 years before, we always were very close but had some other problems that the dynamics have changed for the better now.

Your Doctor does not sound great if he is nodding his head to what you said.
If pills is the way you want to go, that's fine, we all have to do what we think is best for ourselves.
Another way to think about it is, you don't have to necessarily think super positive but just don't think negative.
Just try & get on with your life like you did before, you just got to do a few things slightly different now 😉

You will still find a decent guy, do not define yourself or hinder yourself by believing any different!


 

 

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On 10/25/2018 at 5:02 PM, Amando said:

If by my emotional upset you mean when I first found out I had Herpes, I didn't have any emotional upset to be honest!
It just wasn't that big deal to me.
It became a bigger deal for the first time in 8 years, early this year, when I got rejected by someone I thought was incredibly special. That was painful & still hurts but I just try & move on & not think about it.
I got back with my ex girlfriend who I had been with for 6 years before, we always were very close but had some other problems that the dynamics have changed for the better now.

Your Doctor does not sound great if he is nodding his head to what you said.
If pills is the way you want to go, that's fine, we all have to do what we think is best for ourselves.
Another way to think about it is, you don't have to necessarily think super positive but just don't think negative.
Just try & get on with your life like you did before, you just got to do a few things slightly different now 😉

You will still find a decent guy, do not define yourself or hinder yourself by believing any different!


 

 

wow so lucky you didn't have any emotional upset my goodness! well no wonder u didn't need meds! I've taken this waaay hard and am getting anxiety (at least i think it's anxiety, it's a VERY foreign feeling to me but i have all these stomach palpitations)

how come this wasn't a big deal to you? that's amazing i can't believe it!!  I just worry about all the rejection i'd face and the stress of worrying about transmission.  I guess i should be more like u - why worry about the rejection until u get it? so you had 8 years of no upset then when the reality DID play out then you felt the upset but in the meantime that was 8 emotional upset free years (at least about this).  whereas someone like me would have been anxious about rejection (that may well last 8 years) AND then still get the upset of a rejection (assuming i'd get rejected. i just assume it but who knows maybe i'll get lucky) on top of it. 

that's such a shame you thought she was incredibly special and this was a dealbreaker for her. THat's my biggest source of stress. what if my dream guy would have totally been with me and this is his ONE dealbreaker? I think that'd be incredibly hard to get over. i know they say well then he's not the right guy for you but i'm like but doesn't it just mean i'm not the right girl for him because of this ONE stupid reason? and if it weren't for it we could have otherwise been great? 

yes i will try to just not think negative like don't even shoot for the stars of positivity now and get on with my life n keep busy n ditracted. ok thank you 🙂 i will still find a GREAT guy!!! hopefully all the self growth i do as a result of this will bring me to a place where I'm actually MORe ready for My Right than had I continued going on my merry way of dating boat-loads of men and enjoying them with no serious rship in sight (or even on the agenda)

thanks so much for taking the time to share and talk.

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I know many posted responses and I'm sick and tired right now (not because of h lol) but wanted to show my support as well. I took it way better than you are for a number of reasons I won't get into.. I just want you to at least stop beating yourself up about this like it's your fault.  You said at least cancer gets innocent people... H gets alot of innocent people too.. lots of virgins, people who used protections. Many of us were victimized by someone... my "gift giver", in response to telling him I think I have an STD , said "I won't be mad if you gave me one"! I was like are you furrking kidding me, I've been in love with you a year and haven't had sex with anyone else. He is scum. Anyway.. you have so much about yourself to be proud of... and as long as I don't put anyone in danger like he did to me,  I'm proud of who I am.. H and all. You'll free happy to hear that I and doctors didn't know what it was for 3 years because it was so mild. It is really hardly a thing in my life... I'm not going to wear it like a badge.. I think I'm worth it.  I would just presume everything as normal until sex is an option and then I feel confident, if I got that far id be pretty comfortable with the right man. I've been through so kuch worse than h... I was impregnated by a boyfriend and completely abandoned by him and my family.  I deserve a protector, someone I can count on.. so I'm feeling like if he can't handle a little thing like h, he's not strong enough for me.  Shit happens, life happens and I'm strong as he'll and a good partner. America handles sex and h so haphazardly, I feel like we were majorly let down by the medical industry and culture as well.. again,  not my fault. Could have happened to virtually anyone and does. I told my best friend when I found out,  it makes me so sad anyone would end their life over it... and then just a week later my cousin was posting suicidal things on Facebook. Even though the last I knew she was a virgin, I just knew she was diagnosed with h... and i was able to turn it around for her in one phone conversation. That makes it worth it honestly. 

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Hey @Redfaith417 thank you SO much for offering support even tho you are sick and tired! yes you are right. There are way bigger catastrophes that sometimes i myself have to laugh at the ridiculousness of ending a life over this STUPID fucking little thing - but i know it's all the stigma. it's that stigma and thought that i'm now unlovable cos of this stupid fuckign stigma and i'm so so bad at it

i'm so glad you are so posiive and thank u for sharing how you've handled so much worse. this is the worst thing to ever happen to me in my life which just shows how fortunate i had it before (not that i didn't have other chronic issues that actually cause me MORE pain but the emotional destruction of this is just SO severe w the stigma).  anyway i'm doing my best now to find meaning in life other than with love and dating and see whether and how life can be worth living anyway.  as of right now i can't imagine ever reaching the levels of joy and happiness i was enjoying right before this hit, but i'm hoping medication + meditation will at least get me somewhat back to normal. even HALF the level of joy I used to face will be better than this crushed feeling.

thank you for sharing your strength. 

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On ‎10‎/‎27‎/‎2018 at 9:09 AM, Jasmine10 said:

wow so lucky you didn't have any emotional upset my goodness! well no wonder u didn't need meds! I've taken this waaay hard and am getting anxiety (at least i think it's anxiety, it's a VERY foreign feeling to me but i have all these stomach palpitations)

how come this wasn't a big deal to you? that's amazing i can't believe it!!  I just worry about all the rejection i'd face and the stress of worrying about transmission.  I guess i should be more like u - why worry about the rejection until u get it? so you had 8 years of no upset then when the reality DID play out then you felt the upset but in the meantime that was 8 emotional upset free years (at least about this).  whereas someone like me would have been anxious about rejection (that may well last 8 years) AND then still get the upset of a rejection (assuming i'd get rejected. i just assume it but who knows maybe i'll get lucky) on top of it. 

that's such a shame you thought she was incredibly special and this was a dealbreaker for her. THat's my biggest source of stress. what if my dream guy would have totally been with me and this is his ONE dealbreaker? I think that'd be incredibly hard to get over. i know they say well then he's not the right guy for you but i'm like but doesn't it just mean i'm not the right girl for him because of this ONE stupid reason? and if it weren't for it we could have otherwise been great? 

yes i will try to just not think negative like don't even shoot for the stars of positivity now and get on with my life n keep busy n ditracted. ok thank you 🙂 i will still find a GREAT guy!!! hopefully all the self growth i do as a result of this will bring me to a place where I'm actually MORe ready for My Right than had I continued going on my merry way of dating boat-loads of men and enjoying them with no serious rship in sight (or even on the agenda)

thanks so much for taking the time to share and talk.

I'm a happy go lucky guy & guess I didn't really think of the circumstances, that's why I wasn't that bothered & about 3 months after I contracted H, I met my girlfriend of 6 years, she accepted it, so my first disclosure was a success.

I had anxiety & depression after being rejected more recently, would guess its fairly normal!
Disclosing is always going to be tricky however many times you do it & even worse if you are really in to the person but it is totally worth it when you find someone that accepts you as you are, for who you are & you most certainly will 😉

 

 

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I got my diagnosis six weeks ago. I cried for two weeks. Thought everything was over. 

One guy bailed on me completely. The rest were supportive. I'm still playing with one, even though the way we play is different. Still hot. Still fun. 

 I've met a very nice guy very recently. We get along really well. I had to disclose this week. That went better than I expected. He is still interested. 

Ive gotten on antivirals and antidepressants. I feel I have a sliver of hope. 

I don't know if sharing my story is helpful to you, but I'm here with you. 

Try to keep your chin up. 

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Thank you Jasmine, everything you said made utter since to me. Dealing with the physiological frustration can be wayyy overwhelming.. 

I have HSV as of yesterday.. My Heart hit the ground like pure gravity, there many things i wana say about this..

 

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On 10/31/2018 at 4:17 PM, uniqueone said:

I got my diagnosis six weeks ago. I cried for two weeks. Thought everything was over. 

One guy bailed on me completely. The rest were supportive. I'm still playing with one, even though the way we play is different. Still hot. Still fun. 

 I've met a very nice guy very recently. We get along really well. I had to disclose this week. That went better than I expected. He is still interested. 

Ive gotten on antivirals and antidepressants. I feel I have a sliver of hope. 

I don't know if sharing my story is helpful to you, but I'm here with you. 

Try to keep your chin up. 

oh i'm so glad to hear this thank you for sharing. I have shrink appt this week but i've been doing BETTER so i may not even need the anti depressants so that's good progress. glad u are doing so well after 6 weeks!!! and how suportive most have been!!! so so happy to hear that! this may not be as bad as i thought then..i just keep thinking EVERYONE is gonna bail!

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On 11/3/2018 at 4:51 AM, McCalister said:

Thank you Jasmine, everything you said made utter since to me. Dealing with the physiological frustration can be wayyy overwhelming.. 

I have HSV as of yesterday.. My Heart hit the ground like pure gravity, there many things i wana say about this..

 

I understand...heart hit the ground like pure gravity indeed. i had stomach palpitations (fear) for 2 days in a row. just being in total fear of my future life. I'm doing much better now a month in so I have faith you will get better too. As in some moments I actually feel - oh shit! I didn't think i could ever feel happy ever again but look here it is! 🙂

Sending you hope and soothing energy. 

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Hi Jasmine

Really glad your starting to feel happier now 🙂

 

 

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What a wrench this whole situation threw into our cogs . I come on here and real all of your experiences and mindsets and my heart aches . i tend to show more compassion for everyone but myself so i dont even care about my GHSV 1 . ( diagnosed this past august and currently experiencing my second OB ) . @Jasmine10

Just like you, the worst part of this is convincing myself that life is normal. Im 25 and only had sex with 3 woman so you can say i barely got my feet wet is the social dating scene. I feel like the gates closed right on my face and now im most certaintly destined to be single ( due to a slew of issues like you mentioned yourself 😂

But i still have my crude sense of humor and my disdain for the general population has been reinforced lol . i just felt like pouring some heart out so if youre reading this , im sorry the universe qualified you for these forums and i really hope each and everyone of us can conquer this battle against ourselves and truly be unphased by living with H .

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