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Jasmine10

Just need to pour my heart out...need support

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On 10/23/2018 at 2:17 PM, Jasmine10 said:

It's been 19 days since my life changed.  

I know nothing I write will be ANYTHING new to the folks here, but I feel like I have to just get it out in hope that hearing some positive words can help.  My meditation app says to share it with fellow sufferers and that you will feel better (a cancer program cos I couldn't find anything for us).  I actually feel like cancer is better than this because  1. people will at least sympathize with you and of course support you 2. people would still wanna sleep with you 3. it CAN be fucking cured and 4.  if it can't be cured well then you're gonna die soon anyway so it's not like you're gonna suffer that much longer.  Whereas this?  A lifetime of being condemned?  And I rage at the unfairness of this stigma, all because some bigpharmas want to make money now millions of people have to live lives less than what it could have been.  I actually was diagnosed w Cervical dysplasia and haven't had a recheck yet.  I read HSV 2 doubles the chance it turns into cancer - I can't believe I'm actually thinking maybe that will be better, then I can die soon. It's so crazy yet I know so many have entertained similar suicidal thoughts so I'm just going to share my darkest thought.  And yes of course I've thought of just ending my life but can't think of an easy way to do it. 

I am also SO upset at myself. SO upset. I don't even feel upset at the guy I'm internalizing ALL the blame.  Yes he was probably the most gorgeous guy I had ever gone on a date with, yes he said when I asked "no condom?" "I don't have anything, do you?" but how could I have trusted a guy I was only out with for a second time, whom I met on Tinder, whose last name I didn't even know? I later found it he had used a fake name and wouldn't give me any details that would allow me to figure out who he really is - and I now think it's because he has this and wants to infect women anonymously. He also unmatched me on tinder the very next day.  I managed to find out his real name..but like what am I going to do with it?  I'm not going to press charges and have everyone know MY dirty little secret now. 

I regret SO badly the friend who suggested I use Tinder I NEVER used it because it was known as a hook up app. I regret so badly the decision that caused me to stay in this one city longer than I otherwise would have (and if i had just waited ONE more day ONE more day to make that decision and got one last piece of information I needed, I would have decided otherwise WHY was I so impatient WHY.), and was therefore bored and decided to go on tinder - I was on it for 3 days before going inactive it as I lost interest, when this model of a guy messaged me and I thought oh well why not? look at that BODY! Coming to this city has been so great for my career. But it has destroyed the rest of my life, and is already completely negatively impacting my career because I can't focus for SHIT on it. 

It's like at so many points, my path could have been different with just a different choice. Oh all the IF ONLYS -it's really eating me up inside. My life would have gone on as per usual - and from my vantage point now, I see how GOOD I really had it.  And I realized it then too! It's not like I took it for granted.  I was finally feeling happy and that I loved my life.  After struggling for years I was finally finally in a good place with men and dating, and with just my emotional and mental happiness in general.  Even my career that has long been a struggle, was finally starting to show signs of positivity and I was finally feeling the commitment to give it 100%

And now all that has turned to shit.  I literally called the universe a big fucking cunt.  Really, you see me FINALLY in a good place with men with so many attractive suitors (having a rough time w men had been my big stumbling block for the last 3 years), FINALLY happy, FINALLY filled on an almost daily basis with gratitude for my wonderful life, and then you have a man yank it away from me just like this.  This is the act of a fucking CUNT. (pardon me if you're feeling triggered by the word)

You know what I hate? I hate waking up in the mornings.  I finally go to sleep and it's often peaceful (with so far just one nightmare of infecting my hypothetical partner) but that means when I first wakeup from a relatively peaceful slumber..I wake up into a nightmare. I WAKE UP EVERY MORNING IN A NIGHTMARE.  That is the worst part.  To wake up after being able to be unconscious about this for 6-8 hours and realize I'm still in this nightmare.  This is really happening.   I cannot believe it yet it really did happen.  And I'm trying so hard to do mind over matter and take all my herbs n supplements in the hopes that it's not too late to reverse this, that if I fight this now then maybe I will never get another OB and it will all go back to normal - but the stress...and you all know stress is a trigger.  I have these weird feelings in my stomach...I am guessing this is anxiety?  I think it's anxiety. Depression of course that I can recognize.  When I go out and socialize, I can sorta get my shit together and I feel relatively ok cos I'm connecting with people.  Today I was with some people and then i left to go home and as i was about to get on the bus I thought omg I don't want to go home.  Home and alone is where the nightmare starts again. And I went back to re-join them.  When it finally came time to leave, the stomach palpitations started again.  I've no one with me.  I will never have anyone with me.  

Every day is a struggle.  From the worst part of the day - the morning nightmare that I realize I am now living in, that will always be living in, fighting depression throughout the day, USUALLY to feeling a bit better by night when I am socializing, reading posts on this forum and the internet and googling if there will be a cure and feeling not so terrible by the time I go to bed (usually) and then waking up in the morning and the nightmare starts.  Most people start of the day bright and fresh right? I start it off with a nightmare and then it gets progressively better throughout the day, but just when I think I'm done and go to bed, I wake up in this nightmare all over again.  I'm not the only one who feels they wake up in a nightmare am I?  Are mornings the hardest for other people too?

And it's not comforting to read that non newly diagnosed people are still struggling years later.  So it can actually not get any better! And how can it?  THERE IS NO FUCKING CURE! My symptoms are hardly anything.  Had I not had a freakout about not using protection and googled possible stds and checked, I would have never noticed the two little spots that gave me no physical pain but have now caused more emotional anguish than I've ever known my entire life.   And I am sad that there might never be a cure because Pharma has no incentive to cure this.  Theravax was stopped because of lack of funding for phase 3 trials it wasn't reported that it stopped cos it wasn't working.  It would take really someone like that "rogue" scientist that tested his vacccine in the Caribbean (that a lot of people in the trial said really helped them actually), someone really passionate about this to really get a cure.  But he's dead now.  Who else will there be?

How is it that a condition that causes SO LITTLE physical harm, can bring full grown men and women like myself to the verge of ending their physical existence.  How can this be so?

I think today was the day I finally admitted to myself that I don't have the strength. I don't have the strength to handle this.  At first I tried to tell myself that there are certainly worse things right, could have been HIV, I could have lost limbs in an accident but it's not enough no amount of it could have been worse makes me feel better because - it could have also NOT been this AND anything else worse. I could have gone on my happy and amazing life.  I'm usually single, and was not worried about finding a partner - I figured ok if it comes it comes. But to think and feel that now i'm NEVER going to find one, or that my already slim chances (for various reasons) have now all but evaporated...just brings me to the depths of despair.  I never knew how important it was to me to find love (i've never been truly in love before) until now, when it seems like I never will.  And I know there are many success stories but I've also heard so many stories of disclosure going the other way that I can't help but feel pessimistic.  And yes of course I've debated with not disclosing and acting like I don't have it - but I also know the stress of not doing will likely eat me inside.  I messaged someone here who chose not to disclose and I see it eating HIM up inside.   It's a lose-lose situation damned if you disclose damned if you don't.  And yes maybe just maybe there's the possibility of someone being ok with it - like REALLY ok  (not say they are ok then change their minds) but I can't imagine someone would be.  If a guy came up to me with all these facts and all I did was google "herpes" and see those images and see that hsv 2 comes with what 4-6 recurrences the first YEAR I'd totally freak out too and run away because I'd think no guy is 1. worth doing that to myself physically and 2. mentally having to bear the burden of this stigma the rest of my life. Like if things didn't work out between us then I'm now a pariah and can't find anyone else? Who would sign up for this?  I'm so glad for EVERYONE who found people who didn't care but from my vantage point I just don't see how a rational person would sign up for the risk of contracting something so so so psychologically damaging even if you can manage the physical symptoms.  Unless you are so SURE someone is life partner material but even then...how many marriages end in divorce again?  And to go back into the dating world with this liability...I know I wouldn't take that risk so I can't see how someone else would for me.  And people say the right guy won't care etc, but it's not like I'm Scarlett Johannsen where guys would take a bullet AND herpes just for the chance to fuck her. And I'm not unattractive, I was confident of my abilities to attract a guy before this, but that confidence is all gone now.  I look in the mirror and I see this beautiful girl with a gorgeous figure, intelligent (but not intelligent enough to fucking say NO to unprotected sex with a fucking STRANGER whose last name I didn't know - like HOW is it that I protect my fucking PHONE with a cover but I don't protect MY OWN BODY?!) whom NO guy is going to want now.  (I know many here will beg to differ, but I can't seem to see it otherwise. I can't see how anyone who cared about their physical and mental health would want to take that risk for anyone (other than Scarlett J :). I've talked to my shrink 3 days in ONE week. She has FOUR clients who all told guys they were dating and they didn't care.  I couldn't believe it. It gives me a BIT of hope but really not much.  I just don't see my "dream" guy going for it.  Do I have to settle for less of a guy than I otherwise would have been able to have because of this?  I do feel that way.  And more so, I'm trying to tell myself it's not so bad if I never have a life partner...I mean the Dalai Lama is single and happy right?  But it still breaks my heart.  I wanted to at least have the HOPE of finally finding someone. I love watching romantic movies.  Now they are just going to be sad movies for me, of what I will never have.  I even think of setting up a colony/community of die hard singles so we will at least have each other to grow old with. 

And I can't share this with any friend.  Well I did with two acquaintances cos I knew they have this too.  I just hope they keep my confidence.  But I have been unable to share this with anyone else in my real circle of friends it's so painful and I can't share.  Everyone looks at how amazing my life and career looks on social media...and I read the congratulations!! and I think - but I have this. I have this. And I can't even absorb my friends feeling happy for me because I have this big giant reason not to be happy. To be more miserable than at any other point in my life.  To feel like my life is no longer worth living. 

Yes I know intellectually it's stupid to take one's life cos of a benign skin condition.  I DON'T EVEN HAVE BAD SYMPTOMS! But the psychological burden is too much for me to bear.  I don't think I'm strong enough.  Does medication help? Anti-anxiety and anti-depression pills? Does that help the mental anguish?  And I want to call my shrink now just to cry to her. Like we don't even have to talk. I have to now PAY someone just to cry to because I can't tell this to any friend. (I also had a friend once tell me HER friend had herpes. I BARELY know her friend. PEOPLE TALK and if word gets out i'd be just so so embarrassed) I am going for my cervical dysplasia check up soon, and I almost want to have cancer now so I can cry to my friends and say it's cancer when really it's this, and tell them no my life is NOT going as great as it looks on social media I'm having a total and complete breakdown and i have never been this close to ending my life than now. 

I am in tears now. I am finally in tears after writing this far and finally pouring it all out in full. For days I couldn't cry I don't know why I couldnt cry. The first several days couldn't bring myself to shed a tear was just numb I think.  Then I had to send a message to this REALLY sweet guy I was JUST starting to date, saying I couldn't see him anymore. And I broke down and cried at having to send that message. Today is the second time in 19 days I cried. And I can't tell my family.  My parents have been married for donkey years and were each other's firsts. My siblings have both always been in long term rships.  I'm the only one always single, and now they'll know that I've been fucking around and it's going to be all my fault.  It's not like cancer that comes to the most innocent of people.  And I realize how WELL condoms protect us you know? I've had a decent amount of fun, and condoms always kept me safe.  Now this ONE mistake and a lifetime to pay for it.  For what 2 mins - and he wasn't even good! FUCK THIS ASSHOLE!! Wow so the tears have finally come...this was what it took.  It took me really just sharing everything I think and feel, rather than thinking them over and over again in my head.  

If you took the time to read this at all, even some of it, I thank you from the bottom of my heart for being a witness to my breakdown. Because my closest and dearests cannot. 

I have never associated with something more than I associate with this. This just sums up all of my emotions, even now. I'll admit that every now and then I come back to this post and read your words just to remind myself that there is someone else out there that feels the same way I do. Thank you so much for this.

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On 11/20/2018 at 3:46 PM, RaymondPlacido said:

What a wrench this whole situation threw into our cogs . I come on here and real all of your experiences and mindsets and my heart aches . i tend to show more compassion for everyone but myself so i dont even care about my GHSV 1 . ( diagnosed this past august and currently experiencing my second OB ) . @Jasmine10

Just like you, the worst part of this is convincing myself that life is normal. Im 25 and only had sex with 3 woman so you can say i barely got my feet wet is the social dating scene. I feel like the gates closed right on my face and now im most certaintly destined to be single ( due to a slew of issues like you mentioned yourself 😂

But i still have my crude sense of humor and my disdain for the general population has been reinforced lol . i just felt like pouring some heart out so if youre reading this , im sorry the universe qualified you for these forums and i really hope each and everyone of us can conquer this battle against ourselves and truly be unphased by living with H .

thank you for your compassion - and for sharing your feelings.  Do have some compassion for yourself too 🙂 I am doing so much better now with regards to this, and life's way bigger challenges are now occupying my mind so much so that I don't even have much mental bandwidth to even think about this - I realize that there are much bigger things in life to focus our thoughts and energies on! 

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On 11/29/2018 at 8:44 PM, Victory_in_Defeat said:

I have never associated with something more than I associate with this. This just sums up all of my emotions, even now. I'll admit that every now and then I come back to this post and read your words just to remind myself that there is someone else out there that feels the same way I do. Thank you so much for this.

wow..I'm so touched to hear you come back every now and then to read my words..thank you for that acknowledgement.  To know that my words can make even a bit of positive difference to someone else means so much to me.  

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Your post broke my heart. That’s how I felt when I was first diagnosed though I was married. Now years later, I found myself single with this dirty secret I was deathly ashamed of. 

But guess what? The first guy I hooked up with totally cool with it. Like no pause. Had sex right after I told him and we are still hooking up four months later and he doesn’t want to use protection anymore (I’m the deciding factor, still working out my feelings about it) and I told my best friend who said “oh yeah it’s super common.” This evil secret that made me feel like a leper all these years doesn’t have power over me. 

Honestly I've come to a peaceful acceptance of it. My thoughts are: we have a bullshit don’t ask don’t tell policy of herpes in the medical community. People aren’t encouraged to be tested and then 90% of people who have it don’t know. So we are left to be the responsible educators. It’s so common. If someone doesn’t want to hook up with get into a relationship with someone with an incredibly common skin issue that 1 in 8 Americans have (1 in 5 women) then cool, but you are going to miss out on some great people 🤷🏻‍♀️ and I don’t have time to feel bad about myself. 

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On 12/2/2018 at 2:39 PM, crookshankshey said:

Your post broke my heart. That’s how I felt when I was first diagnosed though I was married. Now years later, I found myself single with this dirty secret I was deathly ashamed of. 

But guess what? The first guy I hooked up with totally cool with it. Like no pause. Had sex right after I told him and we are still hooking up four months later and he doesn’t want to use protection anymore (I’m the deciding factor, still working out my feelings about it) and I told my best friend who said “oh yeah it’s super common.” This evil secret that made me feel like a leper all these years doesn’t have power over me. 

Honestly I've come to a peaceful acceptance of it. My thoughts are: we have a bullshit don’t ask don’t tell policy of herpes in the medical community. People aren’t encouraged to be tested and then 90% of people who have it don’t know. So we are left to be the responsible educators. It’s so common. If someone doesn’t want to hook up with get into a relationship with someone with an incredibly common skin issue that 1 in 8 Americans have (1 in 5 women) then cool, but you are going to miss out on some great people 🤷🏻‍♀️ and I don’t have time to feel bad about myself. 

Amazing thank you for the positive share!! it's true...if more people were tested and we all knew how common this really is it wouldn't have the terrible stigma it has. thank you for such a positive framing of this!!

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Hi....  I read this whole thing and every damn word you wrote felt like it had came straight out of my mouth... Constant thoughts of forever being alone, or having to settle, because let's be real who the fuck wants this baggage. I was diagnosed before my 21st birthday, this past march, and I'm still completely devastated. I got it from someone i thought I could trust, and I even ask him to use a condom but he ended up taking it off and then well you know. I'm completely mad at myself for letting him and trusting him and i dont even blame him (I should but I hate myself so much more). It's dumb bc I didn't even really care idk why I even did it. It's crazy how much I relate to what you wrote. A week after my diagnosis I got a therapist through the app talkspace so I could let all of this off my mind without revealing who i was because I was so humiliated. I told my mom and shes been understanding but can't give much advice.... my dad would be so awful about it. I could only tell one of my best friends and it turned out her mom had it too so she doesn't find it a big deal, but I had to lie to my other best friend and say I got a second test and it was negative bc how she talks about it makes me feel so awful. I even have the debate between disclosure and nondisclosure myself... even months after the fact. I haven't been having sex because I cant disclose and I cant not bc the one time I thought I unknowingly passed it, ate me alive from guilt. I actually struggle with major anxiety, panic, and depression and since the diagnosis I have turned to drug abuse just to keep myself sane. I'm going to get help within the next week or so without my parents knowing but I just feel so hopeless. like moving onto my career and starting my life is the last thing on my mind because I feel like I won't ever be happy with this virus. And like you said, yea there are a lot of success stories, but I just dont think i can handle all of the rejections and potentially ending up settling. I have found myself more lonely than ever by avoiding sex (and going out because all I see are people hooking up), focusing on school or taking drugs to forget, and then when i remember, I sit on my computer looking for cures and vaccines. I stumbled upon the trial you are talking about and the only thing that went through my mind was "If I were rich id donate all of my money for them to get this damn vaccine". I do have to admit I dont think about it as often, but I definitely haven't made any progress either. I have had every single thought you have expressed in your post so I'm so glad I have someone to relate to. I have been on daily valtrex for a few months with no outbreaks, and before I had like 3 including my first outbreak. That is the only thing keeping me positive... I pray that I can find someone who can accept me who I am not just settling for, and even more that there is at least a vaccine in the near future. Let me know if you ever need to talk... I sometimes find it more comforting to share mutual dark thoughts than to only hear inspirational replies that I just cannot relate to. 

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