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My epiphany

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When I found out, yes, I cried...a lot. And I told the guy I was seeing right away, maybe too soon, as I had not yet stopped to research and realize what it all meant. And he rejected me (says he wants to be friends, but I think that after a couple weeks of trying that and him pretty much just wanting to text stuff that is anything but 'just friends', that's not going to work either, so now I am rejecting HIM).

But, I am oddly at peace. I had this sudden realization Tuesday night while I was sleeping that I don't NEED this man to make me feel sexy and worthy. I don't need to settle for his sexting and dick pics. I don't need to accept someone who says all the right things but is afraid to touch me. Fuck.That. I am better than that. I DESERVE better than that. And I truly feel GOOD about myself again...after just 2 weeks. It hit me. I have had this for 10+ years. And during that time, I have known my worth. I have known my value. I have known what I deserve in this life, and I have refused to settle. I know what I have to offer someone else. Suddenly finding out that I've had H all this time DOESN'T CHANGE THAT.

I didn't date for 9 years because I refuse to settle for someone who has no potential for a future with me. I got to know one guy who I thought had potential. And then a Herpes diagnosis. And it was then I learned that he is obviously NOT the one for anything long-term because he did not accept me for all of me. And I am SOOOOOO okay with that! Yes, I was sad because of the potential that I saw. But, I am strong. I am determined to be happy in my life. I was happy before him, and I sure as hell will be happy after him! If it's meant to be, I will find that guy who is everything I want, who will complement my life, and who will be happy with me. I don't need someone to complete me or make me happy. I am already happy.

Being alone is not scary for me. I have been alone (NOT lonely) for years...just me and my kid. What scares me is settling for someone who is not good for me, just because they say they're okay with H, just because I, what, want to have sex? Sure, I'd love to have sex again, but I am not going to compromise who I am or what I deserve just for some D. I may have H somewhere deep inside me. And some may be scared off by it. And that is their loss because I am a damn good woman. And if they can't handle all of me, then they can't have any of me.

So, let yourself feel sad at the diagnosis. Feel the pain, let yourself mourn, be pissed off...and then pick yourself up and remember that YOU are still the same person, just a little 'extra' now. And love yourself, H and all.

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