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good days and bad..

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The last two months have been such a rollercoaster of emotions. Some days I'm doing ok and coping with it all and then other days like today I'm not so ok. I have all these thoughts and fears and doubts constantly running through my mind and no one to really share them with. I have my best friend but I feel bad sharing all of my problems with her because I know she has a lot of her own. And I'm afraid for her because we both seem to be on the same path and I'm just a few steps ahead of her. I don't know how to get her to realize it fully and change things now while she still can. And then there's the guy I'm with. We've been dating for almost 7 months now and I still don't know where we stand. I've only seen him once outside of work on the weekends since we both found out we were hsv positive. He's amazing and so sweet and smart and funny and he's not an immature idiot like I'm used to dating. I know I have serious trust issues that I'm trying to work through so I don't know if my doubts are all in my head because I've gotten used to guys that don't want commitment of any sort. But I don't know.. he still texts me every day and every weekend when we work together he comes and says good morning and hugs me really tight. I want so much more with him and yes it scares me. My family doesn't accept him all because he's black.. and if they find out that he was the one to give me herpes.. I'm pretty sure my family would hate him forever. So it's been really hard to have to live with my family (which includes my mom and both of my grandparents and occasionally my sister when she's home from college)I have to be guarded all the time and it's stressful. I already work 2 jobs, seven days a week, and that's already stressful enough and now to add on this. My anxiety has been so high that I've developed a constant tremor in my body. I'm already on antidepressants and have been way before all of this but some days it feels like it's too much. It amazes me because my guy doesn't seem to be bothered or worried about this at all. I don't know how he's so calm about it. I asked him that and he just said it's because he's been through so much already. It's sad what this can do to a person. Yes I see it as a wake-up call but I know I'm still in denial about it. Hell I can't even say the word herpes out loud. I have herpes. I can type it just fine but saying it is so hard. I can't help but still feel like I'm the victim. I know it's not his fault at all. I know he didn't know he had this. I keep hoping that since we both do then maybe this is meant to be with him. Because I'm scared of the future on my own. I had always planned on eventually I would end up with my best guy friend. Everyone has always thought we should be together and I just figured it would happen eventually.. but now I don't want it to anymore. I don't want him to find out I have this and risk giving it to him. I know that everything will work out the way it's supposed to and that everything will be ok and that it'll all get better.. but I don't like not knowing and not being able to have that now. I am a control freak with trust issues and I always feel like I'm not good enough or important enough. I'm trying to workon that but some days iI feel like I'm being swallowed up by the world. But yeah I'm sorry I've been rambling but I just needed to share this with someone.

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