I cried..

[Anonymous88]

I feel recently I have shared a few posts and it has gone from being very positive and seeing things in a much better uplifting way to feeling rejected and disappointed.

I first disclosed to a guy 7 months after finding out I have hsv2 on our second date. I dated him for two months and he took it very well and never made it a big deal and just sort of shrugged it off by saying that "I was just unlucky" and he never made me feel bad about myself so I felt very uplifted to feel that even though I was petrified telling him that it was a success.

After that ended due to his work commitments I then went on a date with a guy 7 years older than me aswel as talking to him for a couple of weeks. We got on well and was invited round his on our 2nd date for lunch. I really didn't have in my mind at all that we would end up having sex as I wasn't ready to tell him but as things were suddenly heading that way I told him that I have herpes. He continued kissing me and I asked him if he found it a problem at all and he said a little bit but then continued and we had sex. 

We continued to talk afterwards (nothing about my herpes status) when suddenly I receive a text from him this morning to say that he had been thinking about the whole herpes thing and that he really likes me but the herpes thing is a game changer, and said if he would more than likely become a carrier and if down the line we split up then it would cause issues with future relations for him.

I am so hurt especially as I was honest and yet he still slept with me and has now changed his mind. I am really upset about this as I feel I had been honest and respectful and look where it got me. It really has knocked all my confidence and I do not want to be putting myself out there again only to be left feeling worse.

Just makes me think if I wasn't honest with him he would be none the wiser but I thought I was doing the right thing 😢 It's not so much that I am upset about him as I have never seemed to find a nice guy for the 5 years I have been single but it is more so the fact he messed with my feelings and feel used ans the biggest rejected. 

[Michgirl73]

It seems to be something different to me. If he slept with you and wasn’t worried about it before then all of sudden he changed his mind makes me think something else is going on. I know it’s hard and I feel your pain but u don’t need someone that is going to do that to you. He hasn’t real from the beginning if he was he wouldn’t of slept with you. I’m sorry your going through this but I deserve something better then that. Just saying.. keep chin up! 

[Anonymous88]

Thank you for responding. I can't stop crying. I am sooo hurt and just want to lock myself away. I am so embarressed to be rejected over this. It's so hard to date as it is these days and especially now having to open up about having herpes makes it even scarier for people to judge you purely on that and not everything else you have to offer to someone. I see where you would think that but when I mentioned it he did seem a bit worried but still carried on. He hadn't had sex for ages so  I feel used. He just had some time to think about it after and decided he didn't want to risk it. I feel I am gonna be a very miserable alone single parent. I am struggling to be happy having to do everything on my own without anyone to lean on and because of that feel I am not being the best mum I can be feeling sad and crying

[Michgirl73]

I understand I’m struggling too! I feel like I’m destined to be alone as well. I hate it but all I can do is hope and pray that God has a better plan for me. Sending big Hugs and you are worth way more then that.. yes u have Herpes but that don’t make any worthy. Unfortunately bad things happen to good ppl and u will get through this. Just know most of us on here understand everything and we are struggling too! U have ppl that are here for u, message me anytime I’m here if u need to talk. 

[Amando]

Hi Anonymous88

Sorry to read about your pain!

From my experience it is quite common for someone to accept you & then change their mind over the space of a week or two.
It happened to me & yeh it hurts a lot.
I don't think he necessarily used you, just think he had a reality check, once he had good chance to think about it.
Some people will take a chance & some people wont, that's just how it is.

Don't give up though, that may be a lucky escape, keep going, you will meet the right person 😉

[Anonymous88]

Thanks Amando, glad to know I'm not the only one this has happened to and can understand why I feel so hurt. Just showed that I wasn't ready to be intimate as quickly as he was and I need to put my foot down. 

I'm not gonna lie this has now put me off and am taking a step back from trying to date and realise I am probably better being on my own and not have any sort of love life. I really don't like all this having to disclose and wouldn't have any intimacy without being honest before hand so I just don't want to put myself out there anymore. 

Being in my first year of having an incurable std makes me feel like I am a risk to anyone who hasn't got it or doesn't know they have it. The amount of outbreaks I have had since getting this from a guy who didn't disclose to me would be hard on a relationship anyway to be intimate as I can't be freely intimate in a relationship like I used to be.

Dating has been shit the past 5 years before being diagnosed with herpes but adding this on top is just way too much for me to have to deal with.

[Michgirl73]

7 hours ago, Anonymous88 said:

Thanks Amando, glad to know I'm not the only one this has happened to and can understand why I feel so hurt. Just showed that I wasn't ready to be intimate as quickly as he was and I need to put my foot down. 

I'm not gonna lie this has now put me off and am taking a step back from trying to date and realise I am probably better being on my own and not have any sort of love life. I really don't like all this having to disclose and wouldn't have any intimacy without being honest before hand so I just don't want to put myself out there anymore. 

Being in my first year of having an incurable std makes me feel like I am a risk to anyone who hasn't got it or doesn't know they have it. The amount of outbreaks I have had since getting this from a guy who didn't disclose to me would be hard on a relationship anyway to be intimate as I can't be freely intimate in a relationship like I used to be.

Dating has been shit the past 5 years before being diagnosed with herpes but adding this on top is just way too much for me to have to deal with.

I agree dating was extremely hard for me before and now this.. makes it so hard not want to hide from the dating scene but all long to meet that special person. I’m sorry u are going through. 

[Sunshine75]

@Anonymous88 and @Amando I am sorry to hear this. Clearly wasn’t the right guy!

but I also understand what Amando says and add one other thought to that thread. Remember there is SO MUCH misinformation or lack of real/truthful information out there about this. Think about how little we all knew about herpes before we got it! It can be hard in the heat of the moment to take all that in and process and consider long term potential impacts.

I recently had a close male friend (who I’d disclosed to about my status early on for support) come to me to ask a question about a woman he’d once had sex with after she’d disclosed. He hadn’t had an issue when she disclosed but it was also just a sort of casual hookup, one time only. They unused protection, he didn’t seem to worry about it. He came back to me recently though because he wanted to circle back up with this woman about maybe start something more regular— thing was, he wanted info about the risks of transmission,etc. and wanted to consider all this before reaching out to her. I shared info, some resources, etc... answered what questions he had. And it made me realize that he didn’t know where to go to find out reliable information or to ask questions. He wasn’t comfortable asking her since he wasn’t sure he would be able to commit/take the risk.

i wonder if this guy was going through a similar something (and how many others do)— not really sure where to go for good info, how to consider risks when all you know is the stigma, and not always feeling like you can ask the potential partner all the questions you have??

regardless of what was going on, I hear you on the hurt and the frustration. Keep your head up and keep disclosing. That foundation of honesty/integrity in starting off a relationship is something you will want— even if it means losing a few potential mates along the way! I do believe the right one(s) will be there for us!

[Anonymous88]

Thank you for your response. I didn't actually feel he was the right guy for me as he was older and wasn't sure yet with that if we had much in common but regardless I was more hurt at the fact he then rejected me and I did not take rejection well. I felt I wasn't respected for my honestly and that suddenly I was treated differently.

He told me since I disclosed "I was trying to be nice to you" ..the word that stands out to me is "trying" just because I have this I don't deserve to be treated nicely or that you all of a sudden have to start acting a different way towards me when all I have ever been is nice towards him.

"Just a thought you should go on the std dating websites" This hurt hearing this,although it may be helpful and work well for some. Personally for me the thought of having to go on a std site makes me feel like I am giving in to this and that I am then only being able to find a relationship with std sufferers only. 

Made me want to say back "Well maybe you should go on a arseh0le dating wesbite because that is how you are coming across" ignoring all my good qualities and me as a person just based on now that I have a std.

He kept using the words "That's why I was put off you" could of worded it better. It's now sounding like I am a walking death sentence.

He had obviously some time after we had sex look into genital herpes and said that it scared him the whole H thing. I tried my dam hardest with educating him on it and that just because I had it,did not mean he will as he is less likely getting it from me as I am controlling it by lowering risks and obviously any sign of an outbreak then we avoid sex. But nothing would make him see it differently and being rejected and treated in a different way was hard to swallow. 

I noticed and brought up that he had a shaving rash down there and how he didn't know if he already had it and he was quick enough to get defensive and justify it so it just shows that how I was being wasn't over reacting because when I bought him out in that he was quick to jump and justify the reasons it just makes me laugh and then said "I will keep your privacy" which I then told him I have nothing to be private about,its not a secret as otherwise I wouldn't be having this whole conversation now in the first place and then he blocked me once I was quick to judge him.

It does make me suicidal and depressed but then I felt that way before having hsv2 which is why I choose now to be completely alone as to be judged and rejected is just completely shattering. My son's dad told me a while back (he did not give me any std as we were together from young and for a long time) that I will be alone and miserable forever (he cheated and moved straight on with her and left me raising my son alone) those words will always stay with me and I am so worried that these words he said may be true 😭

It's 2am and I just can't sleep because of all this on my mind.

[Anonymous88]

4 hours ago, Anonymous88 said:

@Sunshine75 @Amando@Michgirl73 Thank you for your response. I didn't actually feel he was the right guy for me as he was older and wasn't sure yet with that if we had much in common but regardless I was more hurt at the fact he then rejected me and I did not take rejection well. I felt I wasn't respected for my honestly and that suddenly I was treated differently.

He told me since I disclosed "I was trying to be nice to you" ..the word that stands out to me is "trying" just because I have this does he then think I don't deserve to be treated nicely or that you all of a sudden have to start acting a different way towards me when all I have ever been is nice towards him.

"Just a thought you should go on the std dating websites" This hurt hearing this,although it may be helpful and work well for some. Personally for me the thought of having to go on a std site makes me feel like I am giving in to this and that I am then only being able to find a relationship with std sufferers only. 

Made me want to say back "Well maybe you should go on a arseh0le dating wesbite because that is how you are coming across" ignoring all my good qualities and me as a person just based on now that I have a std.

He kept using the words "That's why I was put off you" could of worded it better. It's now sounding like I am a walking death sentence.

He had obviously some time after we had sex look into genital herpes and said that it scared him the whole H thing. I tried my dam hardest with educating him on it and that just because I had it,did not mean he will as he is less likely getting it from me as I am controlling it by lowering risks and obviously any sign of an outbreak then we avoid sex. But nothing would make him see it differently and being rejected and treated in a different way was hard to swallow. 

I noticed and brought up that he had a shaving rash down there and how he didn't know if he already had it and he was quick enough to get defensive and justify it so it just shows that how I was being wasn't over reacting because when I bought him out in that he was quick to jump and justify the reasons it just makes me laugh and then said "I will keep your privacy" which I then told him I have nothing to be private about,its not a secret as otherwise I wouldn't be having this whole conversation now in the first place and then he blocked me once I was quick to judge him.

It does make me suicidal and depressed but then I felt that way before having hsv2 which is why I choose now to be completely alone as to be judged and rejected is just completely shattering. My son's dad told me a while back (he did not give me any std as we were together from young and for a long time) that I will be alone and miserable forever (he cheated and moved straight on with her and left me raising my son alone) those words will always stay with me and I am so worried that these words he said may be true 😭

It's 2am and I just can't sleep because of all this on my mind.

 

[Amando]

@Anonymous88 Keep dating, don't give up!

Also don't even think about the nasty things that your ex said to you about being alone , that's just hurtful crap &
those words are only true if you give up & let them be.

The rejection part hurts but finding someone great that truly accepts you, will happen for you!

[Anonymous88]

@Amando I'm terrified now of it happening again. I want to end my life. I really wish I had the bit of confidence and hope you are saying but I haven't anymore. I am a emotional mess. Five days ago I have had a itchy tiny lump that wasn't painful and I then had sores developing on either side and this this morning another small lump has come up on where my underwear rubs it is hurting me when I'm walking to work so had to put a plaster over it which is gonna be painful to remove later. Feeling defeated

 

[Amando]

@Anonymous88 I understand, it is terrifying but is it any different from going on a date & getting rejected because they don't fancy you?

I find it really sad when I see people feeling suicidal because of this, when you become depressed, your confidence takes a big hit & it can be very hard to get back up again.

All the itches & lumps don't help but please don't be defeated, stay positive, massive hugs!

[Anonymous88]

I have never been rejected for that but I see what you mean. As in being a single parent/having a licence but no longer have a car due to the running costs of it have put guys off me for those reasons but having this is far worse than those things as I am stuck with this for life and my body hasn't reacted well to it 😞

I went to the doctors yesterday to talk about it and although she was very lovely she had to read off a website and google which is ridiculous I thought supposedly its supposed to be he most common std and a large population have it then why is it not all medical professionals are not educated enough about it. I was more educated on it than her.

I can see now why people arn't honest about their std status (I on the other hand have always been honest and respectful even before having this) I was with a guy who told me he had it but doesnt suffer from outbreaks in a long time but I never recall him telling me before we had sex but I never knew about it fully and liked the guy so I never spoke anymore about it as I accepted him for who he was and I NEVER contracted it from him and as we were together two years for the majority of that time together we never used protection and had a very good sex life and the reason we broke up is because I found him too inmature for me so it was nothing to do with him having hsv2 and if anything I never even thought of it till being diagnosed myself.

But the guy I got it from fed me lies saying he was clean blah blah blah and was suffering fron flu type symptoms that week but said he felt better than he had a swollen lymph node under his arm and then stopped talking to me after I told him that I have found a small lump and what it was so it all added up but can't change time now as whats done is done.

[Anonymous88]

@Amando

[Amando]

@Anonymous88

My GF does not drive, it is a total pain in the ass but it is certainly not a non dating issue to me 

Yes frustrating thing is, that most of us are better experts on the subject than Doctors are, which is pretty concerning really.