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too young

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I've been really sad lately about my diagnosis. I know its easy to say one day someone will accept me and itll all work out and to look at all of the successful disclosure stories..but Im only 19. Im in college and I cant just go around telling people I have herpes. Im terrified of passing the virus on to others but i want to beable to have sex and date. I feel like I lost a piece of my youth. sometimes i just want to breakdown and scream. I feel like im way too young to have a life time std. I see jokes everywhere...I just wish i had the option of living my life freely and not having to protect others from myself. I always used condoms and would if i had sex with someone but with viral shedding i dont know if its worth the risk. Im even more afraid of developing feelings for someone at school because how can i tell someone that i have herpes? its not only the risk of rejection but the risk of them telling others. Sometimes people you would think would be compassionate make herpes jokes, its almost in our culture to look down on "dirty std ridden people". it just kills me because im not a promiscuous person. I slept with one boy with a condom and got this. Sorry everyone i just needed to vent, all of my close family and friends know my diagnoses but im afraid to tell them my fears about developing a relationship or having a sexual life because i always stress to them how normal i am despite having hsv2. I dont want anyone to look down on me or see me as a victim. I want to feel comfortable telling potential partners that i have hsv2 and that its a really low risk of transmission with precautions but the social stigma is so rampant that it feels overwhelming, especially as a 19 year old college student. I feel like if i was an adult who went on mature dates it would be a different story but im just a kid at a school known for its hookup culture... im sorry everyone, i usually try to stay upbeat and look at the positive side of this diagnosis but im just starting to feel like a victim of this virus, i lost my crazy college years and potentially my reputation if i do the right thing by disclosing. I just want to cry the more i think about it.

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I want to cry too. I got HSV2 when I was 17, two years younger than you. I got it from a boyfriend. I've had it now for 6 years, and only came out of denial for a few months now. I feel like crying, my mom knows but she doesn't know how to help me. She just tells me "not to think about it". It's not that easy. I think about it all the time. I wanted to die even before this happened. I want to have sex and have a relationship with someone. But I also should remember that there are so many more important things in my life. Sex isn't all I'm worth, and what about the relationship with myself? Clearly I need to start to feel better about myself before I get into a relationship, otherwise they will only see my own insecurities and I will constantly seek validation from them. I need to be my own person, standing on my own two feet. But even while typing this, I know it doesn't always work that way. Just know that life is ups and downs, the downs can't last forever, and neither can the ups. And even though at your age maybe it's "hookup time", maybe you can spend some time getting to know yourself and progressing in your own way. Besides, in the meantime, everyone else might even be getting herpes too while they are "hooking up" this summer. Surely you are not the only one. Sometimes I cry, and want to die. It's so true. But I need to remember that I am a strong person who deserves a happy life in this planet, and so you do. I'm not always the happiest person either, but let me know if you want to chat. You can get through this! <3 Love ellemmell

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