Jump to content
  • Want to be a part of a supportive community? Join the H Opp community for free.

    Welcome to the Herpes Opportunity Support Forum! We are a supportive and positive group to help you discover and live your Opportunity. Together, we can shed the shame and embrace vulnerability and true connection. Because who you are is more important than what you have. Get your free e-book and handouts here: https://www.herpesopportunity.com/lp/ebook

3rd Date She Told Me She has Herpes


Recommended Posts

Hi,

I recently when on a third date with a girl and she disclosed that she has Herpes.  We did have oral sex on the second date but did not have vaginal.  This happened last weekend and I have been processing the information ever since.  Based on the research I have done it appears that it is very hard to transmit HSV2 in the genitals to the mouth and in general there is about a 4% transmission rate annually female to male without using condoms or viral suppression.  She is on Valtrex so I know the rate would be around 2% assuming no sex during outbreaks and down to 1% if a condom was introduced as well.

When she told me it was a shock and I have been trying to process ever since.  I really like her but the hard part for me is taking the risk after 3 dates, not knowing where the R will go and if it ends I could have potentially contracted the virus myself.  I am sacred and feel stuck.  I know deep down inside it is really no big deal but when I think about me contracting the virus and then entering the dating world if I did I know it would be extremely more difficult than it already is.

Does anyone have any advice or suggestions on how to handle, deal, process or come to terms with this?  I am very sensitive to her feelings, I don't want to hurt her but I feel paralyzed.

Thanks!

Link to comment

I understand that you feel like it's a deal breaker because she has hsv2. just my opinion here but if you feel paralyzed by fear and catching this awful disease. then you should do what you think is best for you even if that means hurting her in the process. though you should be happy she told you. some people never get told and become infected. there are people on here that had that very thing happen to them. you have to do a lot of soul searching as to how you want this to play out. Adrial can tell you more about your chances of catching this awful disease. maybe you should talk to him first before you make any decisions.  take care Sarah

Link to comment

I was given hsv2 this year by a guy who was well aware he had it but never told me and I have had it tough ever since.

I began to date again and one guy was accepting of it but unfortunetely after two months we parted not due to me having hsv2 but because he had a demanding job and in that short time we had a good sex life and I didn't have any outbreaks whilst dating him as I was also on daily meds.

 Then some time after that I went on a couple of dates with a guy 7 years older than me. I told him open and honestly and then he initiated the first move to have sex and then after a couple of days he decided after researching online that there is no cure and said its a deal breaker and the same as you that if he did become a carrier and we were to split it would be difficult for further relationships. I never got respect for telling him and being honest which I thought is a nice quality to have in someone as it is too easy to just keep the fact you have a sti a secret. I was devastated and took rejection really badly..it wasn't him that I was sad about it was being rejected. Since then for about 9 days so far I have had an outbreak but I don't know whether that was stress from what had happened or whether I had gone out drinking with friends two weekends in a row.

Think long and hard about this and probably get to know her more before thinking about intimacy..it can't be easy for you being in this position but if you really liked someone enough the more time you spend getting to know someone before becoming intimate then I think you are more likely to accept that she has this and not focus on it because you have fallen for her as a person. Honestly whether you have an sti or not in a relationship is a great quality to have in someone.

Best of luck on whatever you decide. Hope this helps.

Link to comment

Give it some time see if you fall for her, if you do crack on. Chances are you already have been exposed 9/10 have hsv1 5/10 have hsv2. If you use valtrex and condoms you have 2% chance of getting it outside a outbreak there is a 1.8% chance you could be killed in a car crash. 

Link to comment

@TopJimmy I think you're doing the right thing by researching and seeking answers on this site. The woman is a person who deserves to be in a relationship just like the rest of the world.

It's good that she disclosed to you, though preferably she should have done so before any sexual activity. Many of us here on this website were not afforded the same opportunity.

With that said, I really think you should take some time to consider what all this means. Like you, I spent hours reading the online documentation on the specifics of the herpes virus. I read the statistics. Studies show I had a 5% chance of becoming infected with HSV2. Regardless if the chance is 50% or 5% there is still a chance. And once infected, unfortunately there is no going back. Two months ago, I would have said 95% were pretty good odds. But now, I realize the numbers and studies, really don't mean a thing.

Best of luck to you, what ever you decide.

  • Like 1
Link to comment

Oh boy....I know the risk is low but that’s my fear that I would be one of the unlucky ones despite the stats.  She told me she is on Valtrex and is well aware of when she feels something coming on and knows to obstain from sex during those period of time but it is my understanding that even outside of when she feels an out break coming on there is still a potential for someone to obtain the virus.  I also know I don’t want to have sex with a condom on forever either.  I feel bad for her because she is really cool but I know it would really stink.

Link to comment
45 minutes ago, Victory_in_Defeat said:

I didn't have the opportunity to make an informed decision like you now have. That choice was made for me.

 If you have any doubts at all, then don't do it, and don't feel guilty about it. It's your body and it's your job to take care of it, because we only get one.

@TopJimmy

Her decision not to disclose before a sexual act would really get my wires crossed, given what I know now. But given what I also know now, it takes an insane amount of courage to open up about this. 

So, I'd agree with Victory, but only if a not insignificant amount of doubt lingers after spending *more* time together.

Three dates, relatively speaking, is nothing. If you feel like there might be something there, see where it goes and then make the choice.

If you don't think it's going anywhere, she'll be fine, and so will you.

 

Link to comment
1 hour ago, TopJimmy said:

Oh boy....I know the risk is low but that’s my fear that I would be one of the unlucky ones despite the stats.  She told me she is on Valtrex and is well aware of when she feels something coming on and knows to obstain from sex during those period of time but it is my understanding that even outside of when she feels an out break coming on there is still a potential for someone to obtain the virus.  I also know I don’t want to have sex with a condom on forever either.  I feel bad for her because she is really cool but I know it would really stink.

Have you been tested yourself? A lot of ppl have this virus and don’t even know they have it. I would consider that, also unfortunately a lot ppl aren’t honest about having the virus which is why the majority  of us are here, we didn’t get the option. Your chances of meeting someone again and having sex with them orally or intercourses your risk lie there as well. The more partners u have risk gets higher. You actually have a chance to take the precautions so u won’t become infected verses taking your chances on someone that might not be honest next time. Your call but really think about the big picture.. the risk still will be there with or without her with a potential next partner. Just saying.. good luck, be good to her and let her go easy this is already tough on some many of us and rejection is the worse. 

Link to comment

@TopJimmy After reading through, it sounds to me that you will not be able to accept her having H long term & that is your right.

Like many on here I have been rejected for this reason & it hurts a lot, So if you decide to let her go,
please make sure you thank her for her honesty & don't talk to her like she has done something wrong,
as none of us asked for this.

Good luck 🙂

Link to comment

I am getting tested next week to see if I have anything that I am not aware of.  I know I am very fortunate that she disclosed to me so I could make my own educated choice. Knowing what you all know now, after living with the virus and obtaining it.  Given the choice and the risks associated would you have taken the risk?  

Link to comment
3 hours ago, TopJimmy said:

I am getting tested next week to see if I have anything that I am not aware of.  I know I am very fortunate that she disclosed to me so I could make my own educated choice. Knowing what you all know now, after living with the virus and obtaining it.  Given the choice and the risks associated would you have taken the risk?  

It depends. See, if this was someone I was head over heals for, yes, I would take the risk. That is why I would recommend getting to know her a bit more before making a decision. Considering 1 in 6 have this without realizing it tells you that it doesn’t affect many physically, but that’s does not pertain to all. It’s the mental battle that people struggle with because of fear of disclosing to future partners. If you go on a few more dates with her and think “I can see myself marrying this girl one day” then I would take the risk, especially if she knows her body well enough to know when an outbreak is on the rise. Also, consider asking her how long she’s had it for since if she has had it for over a year there’s even less of a chance she would transmit it to you. 

Ultimatley your choice, however, I think getting to know her better may be a good idea for two reasons: 1) you’ll determine if she’s worth the risk 2) for her, although kinda because of herpes, your secondary reason for breaking up with her would be that you don’t see a future together based on your experiences with one anothed.

take care 

  • Like 1
Link to comment

As a side note, I think that this is a good learning lesson for many. 

I mean, what were the odds you would have had sex with her without asking her to get tested for STDs if she didn’t know she had herpes. 

I guess you learn the importance of asking people to get tested because 87% of those with herpes don’t even know they have it.

 

also, do you know what type she has? Is it for sure type 2 because that would also play into it as if you have gotten cold sores before, you have antibodies for type 1 and would further lower your risk if she has tho 1 genitally

Link to comment

I am new on the dating scene as I am recently divorced after being married for 17 years.  The thought never even crossed my mind to ask so I was very fortunate.  The girl in question has been divorced for 3 years and she told me she got it from the guy she had first relationship with after her divorce and he never told her.  She really is a cool person and our connection/attraction was instant.  The problem is that she lives 2 hours away and has kids as well just like me so neither one of us is moving.  If she didn’t have the virus it would be easier to just have and go with it but knowing that she does has made me look deeper into whether or not this would even work out long term  which at this point due to th distance and our kids I just don’t see it happening.  I hope that makes sense.

Link to comment
7 hours ago, TopJimmy said:

I am getting tested next week to see if I have anything that I am not aware of.  I know I am very fortunate that she disclosed to me so I could make my own educated choice. Knowing what you all know now, after living with the virus and obtaining it.  Given the choice and the risks associated would you have taken the risk?  

I would totally now that I know what I’m dealing with and we could take the appropriate steps to keep me from getting it. My chances are actually better doing it that way verses relying on someone to be honest with me and finding out they weren’t. It takes a lot of ppl with this virus to be honest.. if most ppl would have been honest from the get go we all would probably not be in the situation we are. 

Link to comment
7 hours ago, TopJimmy said:

I am getting tested next week to see if I have anything that I am not aware of.  I know I am very fortunate that she disclosed to me so I could make my own educated choice. Knowing what you all know now, after living with the virus and obtaining it.  Given the choice and the risks associated would you have taken the risk?  

I also wanted to say I have GHSVI (herpes 1, associated with cold sores, genitally). however, I would take the risk on someone with type 2 given that we use precaution because it isn’t as bad as it seems and the risk is low and it’s not too terrible physically. 

Also, if you want to get back into the “playing field” woman that are single in the age group, 1 in 4 (white females) of 40-49 years of age have type 2, while 2/3 (black females) 40-49 and 30-39 have it.  Age 30-39 it’s about 1 in 5 women (white). Sorry if that was confusing. 

So odds are, if you do “catch” it and get back in the playing field to date, you’ll encounter women who also have it (granted I would recommend asking them to get tested before you disclose because they may assume they don’t have it when in reality they do).

Link to comment
59 minutes ago, herpnerve said:

I also wanted to say I have GHSVI (herpes 1, associated with cold sores, genitally). however, I would take the risk on someone with type 2 given that we use precaution because it isn’t as bad as it seems and the risk is low and it’s not too terrible physically. 

Also, if you want to get back into the “playing field” woman that are single in the age group, 1 in 4 (white females) of 40-49 years of age have type 2, while 2/3 (black females) 40-49 and 30-39 have it.  Age 30-39 it’s about 1 in 5 women (white). Sorry if that was confusing. 

So odds are, if you do “catch” it and get back in the playing field to date, you’ll encounter women who also have it (granted I would recommend asking them to get tested before you disclose because they may assume they don’t have it when in reality they do).

It’s my understanding to that the blood test can be inaccurate too. That’s what I have read before in the past. What’s your take in that??

Link to comment
21 minutes ago, Michgirl73 said:

It’s my understanding to that the blood test can be inaccurate too. That’s what I have read before in the past. What’s your take in that??

Yes that is true, and it depends on the test. However, it’s 98-99% corrects for diagnosing negatives, and 92-94% correct in diagnosing positives. (This is all for HSV2)

By these numbers, it’s more likely that someone who is positive will test negatively rather than have someone who is negative test positively. So if anything, it’s more likely that there some people with HSV2 that tests can’t pick up. 

Therefore, I would say that the statistics are pretty much something to follow, of course there are standard deviations to consider, but the standard deviation isn’t too high.

Link to comment

Yes I personally would take the risk if the person was honest and I fell for them and we developed a relationship. As someone said who is to say the next person you have sex with has got an sti or not. But as people have said you do have a choice but hearing about the whole having to wear a condom for the rest of your life having sex is a load of rubbish. Do you make sure every woman you kiss in a relationship has cling film over her lips just incase she has ever had a cold sore. You don't have to wear condoms,its both your choice as long as your adults and both aware. It's the same with any relatonship its a risk and built on trust.

Link to comment

I'm speaking from experience here forget that she has hsv2 for a minute but I think getting with someone that has children would be such a strain on your relationship(my stepson really put a strain on my marriage)I wouldn't marry or get with someone that has had kids.this is just my opinion. But if you can be with someone that has children and hsv2 that is great.you have to make your own choices about this situation.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...