Double disclosure??

[Lilly82]

I am just curious if anyone has ever disclosed to someone they were dating, only to find out that they have it as well?

I have been dating this guy for a month now.  We have gone on about 7 dates now...it seems to be moving quite slow (in a good way).  Hes such a gentleman.  He hasn't pushed for anything.  It took him three dates to kiss me, hold my hand etc.

I really want to see where things can go with this guy.  I haven't had any real success telling anyone about my STD yet.  I think it's mostly because of how I disclose.  I get scared, cry...

I am really practicing telling him in a less scary, confident way.  In the end it's just a skin condition, albeit one that I dont want of course.   I am seeing him on the weekend to cook dinner together, and it will be the first time we have spent time at one anothers place.  This only leads me to think I'm most likely going to have to have 'the talk' with him.  The last few days I've had crippling anxiety at the thought of telling him, and the possibility of him not accepting it..  I'd be crushed.

I have also played with the thought of not disclosing.  I know, its terrible.  But with rejection after rejection I dont know how many more I can take.  I know this is an awful though, and in the end, I don't think I could even ever not say anything, that's not who I am.  

Anyways, if anyone has any tips for a successful disclosure, or a good story where the other person has it too?? 🙂

[PhillyChick]

@Lilly82 hi there. yes i have experienced a "double disclosure". it was with the guy i am seeing now.

i have a standard script that i use when disclosing (i posted it in my "successful disclosure" post) and all of them have been successful. when using that script, no guy has ever turned me away. it's all in my positive attitude, honesty and confidence.

but yes, when i disclosed to my current dude (in person), his eyes lit up and he was like "me too". he got a little emotional, because i could tell that he was probably scared of having to disclose to me at some point.

so it's just pure coincidence that i'm dating someone who is HSV2+. having that bond is kinda cool. we even joke about being in the same cootie club LOL

whatever you do, please always disclose. it's not right to withhold that information from someone. we all fear rejection, but at least you can feel good that you're doing the right thing. also, how are you actually disclosing? words matter. maybe if you adjust your script, that may help.

happy to chat further. feel free to PM me!

[Lilly82]

@PhillyChick thanks so much! Glad to know that happens! I'm hoping I will luck out that he has it too.

I don't think I could ever not tell someone.  I get to the point where I"m so frustrated that I don't want to, but that wouldnt be fair to anyone.  That's how I got it in the first place.

My disclosure hasn't gone the smoothest.  I have trouble getting the words out, I can't look them in the eye, I cry, probably look super shameful.  Do you think it's ok to be confident while telling them and still get emotional about it?

[PhillyChick]

21 hours ago, Lilly82 said:

My disclosure hasn't gone the smoothest.  I have trouble getting the words out, I can't look them in the eye, I cry, probably look super shameful.  Do you think it's ok to be confident while telling them and still get emotional about it?

IMO, you should practice until you can say it without being emotional. if you feel bad while speaking it, then you're showing that you're embarrassed and you don't feel worthy. especially if you're crying...you're giving him all the signals that say "RUN".

maybe try your next disclosure via phone. that way you don't have to look him in the eye. the key is to speak from a position of strength and authenticity.

you are just as fabulous with H, as you were without it. OWN your power, girl! 💪🏋️‍♀️🤗

[Lilly82]

Thanks @PhillyChick  ! So I have some good news!! I saw him last night, and felt that it was time to tell him.  We were starting to get physical and so I said to him 'is it ok if I talk to you about something for a second?' It did take me a bit to get it out, and I did get somewhat emotional, but not like I used to.  He did wipe my tears away and kiss me as I was telling him.  He told me I didn't need to be upset, that it was ok, that we can use protection etc.  I told him the worse thing about it is just the stigma, and that it really is just a skin condition.  He didn't ask too many questions and we didn't get that into it much, because I don't think it was a big deal to him really.  He went on to tell him that its tough for him to be dating with a child (he's a single father).  So goes to show you we all have our things!

I text him later and said thanks for listening and it was easy to open up to him.  He replied with 'I'm glad you felt comfortable to tell me and I know how hard that must have been.  I really like the way we are together and I'm happy to have met you :)'.  

He really is such a sweet guy, and he seems to be ok with it.  Only time will tell, but so far so good 🙂

[PhillyChick]

@Lilly82 that's fantastic!!! i am so happy for you!! he sounds like an amazing, caring man.

congrats on your successful disclosure. please keep me posted on how things go. i love hearing stories like this! 🤩

[Tryingeveryday]

@Lilly82 @PhillyChick, I’m inspired even more now by reading your story @Lilly82 and your words of encouragement @PhillyChick feels so honest and coming from a truthful place. This is my first disclosure since my diagnosis and I have been putting it off because I was so scared and just didn’t know if there was some type tactic we are supposed to use lol. But I’m pumped and ready. Wish me luck 💪🏾

[PhillyChick]

@Tryingeveryday thanks for your kind words! good luck on your disclosure. you'll do fine! just speak your truth and be confident. keep us posted 👊🏽 🤗

[Lilly82]

Hey everyone, I just wanted to give a quick update and see if I can get some advice.  My disclosure did go well (as I mentioned above), and we did sleep together but I'm now panicking.  

We have gone out on about 10 dates so far, established that we are both looking for a relationship.  Each date he has been such a gentleman and didn’t feel like he was just looking for sex.  

This past Tuesday we had such a great time at a winter carnival, and ended up sleeping together (don't worry we used protection lol).  Anyways, we thought it would be a good idea to have a sleep over that Friday and get up and have brunch together on Saturday.

I hadn’t heard from him since that Tuesday night, so on Thursday I messaged him asking how things were.  It took him all day to respond, he said he wasn’t feeling well etc.  (He had mentioned that he was sick before our winter carnival date, so I knew he was a bit under the weather).  The next day I asked him if I did something to upset him because he didn't text for two days and took all day to respond to me.  He replied and said ‘hi  no not at all, I’m jsut not well at all.  This has turned into a flu so I’ve been trying to sleep but still getting dragged into work things.  Been a rough week :(‘.  I told him I didnt realize it was so bad and said why dont we skip tongiht and touch base when he feels better.  He said ‘Hate that I made you feel bad.  Not my intention for sure.  Please don’t feel bad :(.’.

I told him no worries, and hopes he feels better.   The next day  I asked him how he was feeling and suggested we grab coffee on Sunday if he was feeling up for it.  He said ‘Sounds like a good idea. See how I feel tomorrow with an extra day of rest’.  By noon on Sunday I hadn't heard from him so I followed up to see how he was and if he wanted to grab a bite.

He text back saying ‘Not doing well yet.  I feel like I probably should have taken a few days off during the week, just wasn’t possible last week   My son is here tonight at around 5 as I’m covering for some travel as well.  Going to have to get creative with dinner lol’.  I sent him a nice message back saying hope he feels better, and to let me know if there's anything I can do.

He didn’t respond to that last text (which I sent Sunday afternoon) and I’m starting to panic.  He’s been such a great guy, but his communication sucks, and his texts have been few and far between.  I don’t know if I’m just overthinking things, and my unresolved issues of abandonment are just surfacing….or if I’m just not seeing clearly, that he’s not treating me right.  

When we did start talking through the dating app, he wasn't the best responder, and was slow....and has kind of been that way since we have been dating. I suppose maybe things have changed in my mind since we have had sex.  

Am I going crazy, or does this sound normal if he really is that sick?  To me, if you care about someone and if you’re sick, you still would communicate?  

I'm beating myself up a bit over thinking things, worrying that I came off as too needy, and that I have ruined things.  Everyone says to just give him space, and see if he comes back to me.  I'm such a natural worrier and anxious person that I just want reassurance.  

Any thoughts?  And I know this is a bit off the herpes topic, but maybe someone can offer some good advice 🙂  Thanks for reading!!! xo

[PhillyChick]

@Lilly82 if you were near me, i'd take you out for a drink and be like "seriously girl, calm down!" LOL 🤗

i think you're overthinking it. as women, we tend to read more into things than usual, once sex enters the equation. you said yourself that from the beginning he wasn't the best responder and was slow. he's just being his normal self...it's YOU who have changed. you now have different expectations now that you've had sex with him. 

i agree with you 100% that if you care about someone, you communicate (even while sick), but you can't hold him to a standard that he never exhibited in the first place. you tacitly approved of his communication style, since you proceeded with him

he sounds like a great guy, but you need to let him know what your expectations are, and if it's not in his nature to communicate to your standard, then either you just accept it and don't read anything into his lack of responsiveness, or find someone else. too many men out here to settle! 😊

 

[Lilly82]

Lol @PhillyChick  I love you!  I do need to calm the eff down, esp since we havent even said what we are yet, or what our expectations are yet.  

I suppose there is no harm in telling him what my expectations are and if he cant meet it than ya, I'll try the next.  Part of me is holding onto him because he was so great with my disclosure. 

I'll let you know what happens, thanks again!  🙂

[beBravebeBOLD]

Hey @Lilly82. Thanks for sharing your story.   Have you heard from him?