Terrified and confused

[Susannahofthewolves]

I did a full blood panel on Halloween, and all was negative.  My new partner did the same and was all negative too. Heavy week of sex, sometimes rough, and I went to the ER for painful urination/blood in my urine. Diagnosed with UTI, but didn’t improve with meds- thought it was an additional BV or yeast infection. Went to urgent care and had a pelvic exam done - within seconds of looking at me, the doc announced that it was a herpes outbreak. 

I’m friends with his ex wife and know that she has had a history of oral cold sores, and I’m so afraid that he was a carrier and passed oral to genital this week.

Now on valtrex, prednisone and Vicodin. 

I’m horrified, afraid, and ashamed.  I’ve been careful and clean my entire life and now I don’t know how to move forward. I’m waiting to get into my therapist and for additional culture and blood test results.

[Victory_in_Defeat]

First off, let me say that I'm sorry you have found yourself here. Not everyone will understand what you're currently going through. It's certainly a tidal wave of emotion that makes getting out of bed in the morning very difficult.

With that said, I'm glad you found your way to this site. I myself have spent countless hours going through this forum reading words of just absolute emotional pain from people who now have to live with HSV1/2. You need to keep in mind that you did nothing wrong. You did not get to make a choice and this certainly is not your fault. I know it can be difficult to forgive and accept yourself, but it's definitely important that you try.

I won't say something as cliche as "It's going to be okay", because I know that would be very difficult to accept right now. What I will say though is you're not alone and though the next few weeks will be tough, we'll be here every step of the way.

[Susannahofthewolves]

Victory in Defeat - thank you for your kind words.

I had to pick myself up off the couch and go to work today, and that was hard.  All I want to do is stay home and hide - partly because the outbreak is painful, and partly because I want to just read and research and process what this means.  My doctor was very blunt about the diagnosis, and offered little comfort and no options for support, so I’m glad I’ve found these forums, where I don’t feel as isolated.  My partner is long-distance and there’s nothing he can really do for me to fix this, so it’s nice to feel even slightly less alone in dealing with all the emotions and fears. 

He has been forthcoming with answers to my questions - he has a history of cold sores, but didn’t realize that he could transmit as easily as he did, and that’s probably partly because Im on drugs that suppress some immune reactions.  I feel like I should be mad at him, and maybe I will be later, but we both thought we had done our due diligence. Now we need to figure out how to move ahead of this, and I hope we can. 

I recognize that this isn’t the end of the world or of my life, but I’m still worried about what happens if this relationship, which has fundamentally changed my health, doesn’t work out. I’m not looking forward to conversations with new partners.  I have enough trouble finding people who suit me without adding an additional disclosure. 

[Victory_in_Defeat]

@Susannahofthewolves Wanting to just shut the world out and stay home is a completely natural reaction. It's so hard to focus on things like work, considering all of the world's problems seem insignificant when compared to our life long....condition.

I hope you can find peace between you and your partner. My "giver" failed to mention her condition before our first encounter. I no longer speak to her as I have nothing pleasant to say to her. It's certainly not easy feeling like a victim.

I also completely understand your concern about finding new future partners. I certainly struggled finding a companion before the infection, and now I'm just not sure if I ever will. I did write a thread on this forum about dating yourself. It's something I wrote while drinking, however my sober-self read it and did thank my drunk-self for the insight. I've currently been trying that for now and it's actually worked out so far.

As someone who is in the same boat, I really do wish you the best of luck.