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SimplyC

Rejected, my first time

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I was diagnosed a few years back with HSV2. I caught it from an ex boyfriend. I was married to a different man when I found out and I was devastated. My husband was understanding and we continued on dealing with my outbreaks as they came. We have recently filed for divorce. I kind  of  "forgot" all about having it until I met a wonderful man last month. He was everything I had been looking for; good communicator, very good job, stable, looking for companionship, a gentleman, etc.  He disclosed early on that he had a very bad accident about 11 years ago, he broke many bones in his body. He  had many surgeries, and walks with a limp. He is also diabetic. When he told me about these things I accepted him because I was looking for more then what's on the surface. We met in person about a week later and he showed me the scars on his elbows, I told him his scars were beautiful because they are part of him, he also has diabetes. As I felt my feelings and his developing into something more, I told him that I had herpes. There was a dreadful awful silence, and I felt it...I felt the rejection immediately. He said he needed some time to process this and to do his own research.  We talked for a couple more hours about the virus and many other things. He even made plans with me for the weekend but he cancelled due to a family situation. I have been extremely sad since then, today is the first time I haven't cried when I wake up. Now almost a  week has passed and nothing, no more texts messages throughout the day, no more phone calls. What happened to, "I can't wait to treat you the way you deserve...? I have been on many websites trying to console myself. I think about having to go through this rejection over and over again.  Today I text him asking that he at least give me the respect and tell me he doesn't want to deal with it if that is the case. I would completely understand and I know he has every right to make that choice. At the same time I feel so betrayed because I accepted him, no questions asked. Did I tell him too soon after 3 weeks? When is the right time? One friend said not to tell until they are madly in love with you. If I waited that long to tell and still got rejected I feel like that is a lot of time and energy to put into something that will never be. I feel like I could get rejected one more time or 20 more times. I am glad I found this support forum as there are no support groups in my area.

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Hey. You are awesome for doing the right thing and having the courage! Congratulations on disclosing to him. Cliche, I know, but someone WILL come along and treat you the way you deserve. Please stay honest, and try to keep calm as much as possible in times of sadness.

All the best to you (from another lady with H) 

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I’m sorry.. I’m so scared to tell someone potentially I want to date. I’m in fear I’m gna be alone forever.😢

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I'm from the UK and they don't test people for herpes even when you ask for a full std check up. Professionals told me I don't have to tell anyone and especially as I am on suppressive therapy and we use condoms then there is no harm as I know I am doing everything I possibly can to protect someone, as I know obviously not to have sex with an outbreak and I can disclose if down the line if we decide to have unprotected sex.

I am going to be on suppressive therapy for a long as I can as it works for me and doesn't then get in the way if my life.

I have never had anyone tell me they have suffered with cold sores before I have gone to kiss them and if someone did have a cold sore outbreak then obviously they won't want to kiss someone.

I think the more big of a deal I make it then the more big of a deal it is.

If people keep saying it is just a skin condition then I am going to just accept it as that..acne is a skin condition etc

If there is loads of people out there that doesn't know they have it then anyone that then has sex protective or not has a chance of getting this. It's life!

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At the end of the day I know my status and someone else may not know or may not even want to tell theres so I find someone else a risk rather than myself as I am managing it. No one has ever disclosed their std status. You catch colds,flu etc from people,yes it goes away after a while with meds but then so does this 🤷‍♀️

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Hi SimplyC

My heart goes out to you! I certainly know the massive pain of rejection & it strikes a big blow.

If this guy didn't even have the decency to let you know he did not want to take the risk of catching H,
either by text or a phone call, let alone to your face, I think you have dodged a bullet!
What does that say about the sort of person he is?

I still hurt when I think about my big rejection but please keep going, do not give up & you will find someone who excepts you & treats you with dignity.

Be strong & you will find someone so much better than he was, big hugs!

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On 12/6/2018 at 6:46 AM, Anonymous88 said:

I'm from the UK and they don't test people for herpes even when you ask for a full std check up. Professionals told me I don't have to tell anyone and especially as I am on suppressive therapy and we use condoms then there is no harm as I know I am doing everything I possibly can to protect someone, as I know obviously not to have sex with an outbreak and I can disclose if down the line if we decide to have unprotected sex.

If you waited until after you already had sex with someone to disclose then their response should be to break up with you. I know mine would be. That's plainly immoral and irresponsible. 

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On 12/5/2018 at 8:06 PM, Michgirl73 said:

I’m sorry.. I’m so scared to tell someone potentially I want to date. I’m in fear I’m gna be alone forever.😢

All the things that draw people to you are still there. And millions of people have this condition and still find love and happiness. There's absolutely no reason you can't be one of them. 

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9 hours ago, Ishmael said:

If you waited until after you already had sex with someone to disclose then their response should be to break up with you. I know mine would be. That's plainly immoral and irresponsible. 

I spoke to the uk professional helpline and she said why would you need to disclose. We carry sooo many incurable diseases every day are you going to sit there and tell a person ok I have had chicken pox in my younger days which may turn into shingles which you may catch from me, Or if someone suffered with cold sores when they were younger do you see them going round with cling film in their lips everytime they kiss someone. Its bloody ridiculous and this is why there is such a stigma about it because of unhelpful scary information all over the internet. Do you see dating with shingles..no!

I know to not have sex on an outbreak as easy as I know not to rub an area when I have shingles on to someone else..simple as that. You are not hiding a secret there is just no need to be bringing this up.

If your from the us then its different ways for you but in the uk everyone is a risk that you sleep with as they don't test for it simple as that. So it is more of a risk to sleep with someone who doesn't know they have it then to sleep with someone who does and knows the signs to look out for.

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If I am dating someone and I havent suffered an outbreak for 7 months then why make it a problem when its not?

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On 12/7/2018 at 4:49 PM, Ishmael said:

All the things that draw people to you are still there. And millions of people have this condition and still find love and happiness. There's absolutely no reason you can't be one of them. 

I recently went to my doctors the other day and he said the same thing more ppl have this verse ppl that don’t .. I just been so emotional it’s causing me issues on getting better so he put be on and antidepressant to help me stop crying so much.

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On 12/8/2018 at 2:06 AM, Anonymous88 said:

I spoke to the uk professional helpline and she said why would you need to disclose. We carry sooo many incurable diseases every day are you going to sit there and tell a person ok I have had chicken pox in my younger days which may turn into shingles which you may catch from me, Or if someone suffered with cold sores when they were younger do you see them going round with cling film in their lips everytime they kiss someone. Its bloody ridiculous and this is why there is such a stigma about it because of unhelpful scary information all over the internet. Do you see dating with shingles..no!

I know to not have sex on an outbreak as easy as I know not to rub an area when I have shingles on to someone else..simple as that. You are not hiding a secret there is just no need to be bringing this up.

If your from the us then its different ways for you but in the uk everyone is a risk that you sleep with as they don't test for it simple as that. So it is more of a risk to sleep with someone who doesn't know they have it then to sleep with someone who does and knows the signs to look out for.

Excuse it however you want. I find it reprehensible and I feel sorry for the people you are lyng to.

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On 12/8/2018 at 2:08 AM, Anonymous88 said:

If I am dating someone and I havent suffered an outbreak for 7 months then why make it a problem when its not?

Because presumably you care enough about that person to be honest with them and let them make their own choices about their health and sex life. But you'd rather let someone risk getting herpes than have an uncomfortable conversation. Cool. 

Also, you haven't had an outbreak in 7 months. Great. But you know that most people that get herpes get it from a partner who isn't having an outbreak, right? Or is reading up on the condition and how it's spread also too much to ask of you?

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On 12/6/2018 at 8:38 AM, Amando said:

Hi SimplyC

My heart goes out to you! I certainly know the massive pain of rejection & it strikes a big blow.

If this guy didn't even have the decency to let you know he did not want to take the risk of catching H,
either by text or a phone call, let alone to your face, I think you have dodged a bullet!
What does that say about the sort of person he is?

I still hurt when I think about my big rejection but please keep going, do not give up & you will find someone who excepts you & treats you with dignity.

Be strong & you will find someone so much better than he was, big hugs!

Thank you.  I'm feeling better about myself every day.  I know I'm still a beautiful person in the inside.  Some day I will find a partner that will accept me.  I just hope rejection doesn't hurt this bad if it happens again.  

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Tonight I spoke to a dear friend about this experience and I got a reaction I want expecting.  It was kind of cold... she said I should not have told so soon, she feels he didn't "need to know " yet.  I felt we were getting very close and had already built some trust between each other.  Neither one of us were rushing anything, we're both in our 40's trying to do things differently. I was starting to have deeper feelings for him. I felt he was feeling the same,    that's why I felt he needed to know. I can't imagine waiting 6 months before disclosing.  I think about all the time and energy that both would have invested in the relationship at that point.  Wouldn't it be harder to disclose and be rejected the longer you wait? What are your opinions? 

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I think you disclosed at the right time.

Obviously we always need to disclose before having sex & not many people wait 6 months before that happens 🤔

Once you start feeling closer to the person, that is a good time to do it, just hurts more when they reject you!

I have also read that a people who dated someone with H & were only told after a long time were angry that they
had been dating so long before being told, so works both ways.

 

 

 

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