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unbreakable

May God f***ing help me make this emotional pain go away!

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I didn’t disclose to someone I was with. Long story. I did not really consent to ending up not using a condom but neither did I have the guts to tell him anything so yeah.

Later turned out I was his first, he never had time and energy (and maybe courage) to actually date, because of having to work double shifts to raise his two siblings alone. 

He always planned on becoming an emotionally and financially stable gentleman, and his only hobby/joy was having a lot of female friends and collecting phone numbers, before he met me. (He has told me this.) 

Now he’s not free anymore to chat up just anyone and bring them to his place for the night, even if using protection, of course. He has fought to be brave and sexy and stable and now he’s a possible risk to every hot and sweet woman’s health that he meets. 

Actually we are together (16 months) but in theory we have talked about separating and I kinda want it to become a reality because I can feel how the situation and the past is suffocating his passion and the bit of self respect I still have. 

I only recently came to terms with wtf has happened to me, I got H from an assault and I was in denial, so after lying to him and myself for a year I told him everything a few weeks ago. I know, I should burn in hell probably. 

Anyway. I’m crying daily because of, without exagerration, having F***ED UP a human life. Or two, mine included. 

It is eating me up alive. The damage I have done is irreversible. And my emotional pain is worse than any physical symptom. 

I want to feel okay again. Really, not “like a great human being”, or “ready to date and seduce to the fullest”, or any sh*t like that just OKAY. That’s enough for me to fuction and to do good in the world.

I know I do not deserve it but neither did I deserve to get infected by a creep at 21 years old so I just don’t give a f***. Ending my life is no option so getting the control over it back is what’s left to do. 

I really hope that ONE day, SOMETIME, I will wake up guilt free, virus free, his scars will have healed and I will be forgotten to the extenct that’s best for us. 

 

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I'll agree that not disclosing to someone is the WRONG choice. As someone who was on the other end of that stick; I'll tell you that it hurts.... a lot. And now I live with that fact every day of my life.

But, not everything you said was correct. We are all humans. And part of being humans is making mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes affect other people. I'm an Iraq war veteran, and I will tell you, that not every choice we made at the time was best for all involved. It is one thing to reconcile these facts with the creator (whoever that may be for you), but it is another to square it with yourself. I've been to more funerals than I have ever been weddings or baby showers. I got really good at saying goodbye. My point is, that I feel guilty for everything that happened in my past. And this haunts me everyday of my life. I've even expressed my guilt to the parents of my fallen brothers, in which one father said to me "you did your part",  and nothing else, which hurt me even more..

No matter what I do, I can't change yesterday. I can't fix my mistakes. Yet that does not mean that I don't serve a purpose. There are people I can help. There are still lives I can touch for the better. Your fight is far from over. Yesterday will always contain its share of pain. But that doesn't have to have an impact on tomorrow.

It's certainly hard to forgive ourselves for our past actions. But I think it is important that you try, You didn't end a life. Your friend is still alive, he still breathes, he has a chance. I can not say the same about some of mine. You've stood up and took responsibility for your actions and posted them here. And that is something I can appreciate. The past will always be dark and seek to drag you down, but forward is the only option left to us. I wish you the very best and pray that you're not too hard on yourself. After all, we're all in this together. You're the only one that can lift yourself from this feeling, though I will certainly try to help.

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@Victory_in_Defeat Thank you for your comment! It was very inspiring to read, really. I appreciate this mindset!

I know I did not end his chances for happiness but I also know for a fact that I broke his spirit. (This breaks mine too!) And as long as he feels broken he will feel like his life is over! So I pray for him to recover. I’m a pantheist, life and nature are my religion, I feel there is hope in every heartbeat and every sunrise, etc. May sound overly romantic but I really do think this way. So I really hope that every single walk he takes makes him feel more and more free, every meal he eats helps his immune system get even stronger than it already is, etc. 

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@unbreakable. As I mentioned in another post, I also gave H to my lover. It's had severe consequences in his life. He's only 26, so will affect him drastically in the future as well. 

I understand how you feel. It's a horrible feeling to know you've hurt someone so badly!  But I hope you can forgive yourself and I hope in time he can forgive you as well. How long ago did he contract it? 

The thing that helps me feel better is that my lover, before contracting H, as well as after, treats me like crap. So I have that consolation. LOL. 

Hugs

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