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Someone died relating to this sad story of mine

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Just need to get this out. 

I got herpes from an assault, and was in denial because of the shock. I knew I had it but I refused to believe this was reality, my memory was temporarily impaired as well. I wish I went to therapy but I was too weak to search help and I had no one who cared. My real parents are not alive anymore and my stepmom simply never realized that I was very seriously mentally ill... 

Because of being in denial about it, I didn’t disclose to a guy. He asked me on a date, it was nice and I didn’t expect it to turn physical at all, then we drank a little and he got kinda pushy when he got tipsy and we ended up in bed. I had flashbacks of my assault and my mind froze. I didn’t push him away when he said he wants to try it without condoms too. He contracted the virus. 

He got the duagnosis. He fell in a severe depressive episode, he couldn’t eat, couldn’t get up, couldn’t even get out of bed to go to the pharmacy for antivirals. He confessed the story to his mother, who was a very old fashioned and overly protective lady, around 55 years old, and she had a pacemaker for a heart condition, her heart was very weak. Sometimes she would go to the pharmacy for him when he couldn’t get up. 

Later that month, if this would not have been enough of a tragedy, she had another heart attack and died. The ambulance got there very fast but it was already too late. Even though she probably could have died at any time because she was very very weak, I am convinced it was because of the stress that her son’s illness and emotional pain caused. It literally broke her heart. He then spiraled even deeper into depression. We hardly ever talked, but my dumb ass thought he was grieving. Later turns out he WAS grieving but not the mother’s loss. She was severely ill and he kind of let go of the fear of losinf her back when she had her first heart attack and got the pacemaker. He was grieving his own life and happiness and freedom and health. He can no longer stay up late, get drunk, or do anything that’s fun but unhealthy, not even in moderation, because his skin might start developing wounds again then. That part of his skin that’s supposed to allow him to feel pleasure, not pain! How terrible is this???

I did not disclose to him until recently when he told me this. It’s been a few months. Back when the tragedies happened I had NO idea how to act... I thought he would need my consoling as a friend because of the loss of his mother instead of getting disgusted by me, I thought he was going to leave anyway because we’d only ever been on a few dates and I’m better off not leaving a bitter memory for him... NONE of these is a valid reason for lying to him for months, I know! But my mind was fogged totally. 

Things are stable now, he can talk about his mom without crying, he can look me in the eye in spite of knowing what I have done, and after all this sh*t he’s not bothered by insignificant issues anymore he said. It’s terrible and painful and a prison mentally, but things are stable now. So I just wanted to get the nastiest part off my chest. I feel like a murderer. I believe this is how someone who hits a person with their car by accident probably feels too. 

I am not a person who wishes bad upon anyone, but if Karma ever comes for the person who infected me (later turned out, knowing damn well he had the virus since decades, and probably thinking he can make me stay with him by giving it to me)... it definitely won’t be pretty, and I won’t even feel sorry if I learn about it via gossip or something. I was 21 years old, it had not even been a whole year since losing my virginity, and he was around 50 but lying about his age. Not that it matters. But imagining how many women have gotten the virus from him over his life... I want to vomit at the thought. 

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Whatever you believe that you have done wrong, you are not to blame for his mothers death, period.
We all make bad decisions/mistakes in life, that's what makes us human! learning from them is the key.

Oh & he can stay up late, drink & do unhealthy things, shit! ain't nothing gonna stop me enjoying life 😀
it certainly does not affect me or bring on extra OB's.

So please stop beating yourself up, things will get better.


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@unbreakable. I'm so sorry for what happened to you. And also for what happened to him. So tragic. I doubt it was the cause of his mother's death. I hope you won't feel bad about that anymore. 

I also gave herpes to my lover through my ignorance. It has had severe consequences in his life. Thankfully, he seems to be coping  well and hasn't gone into a depression, as far as I know.  It's hard for me to carry that burden of knowing I hurt someone so bad and I feel I will owe him forever,  though he truly is a fuckboy I would like to be free of. 

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Ive had prodrome for 16 months test neg. After assault.( kiss) ...and lost a partner because i need to protect her...im am devastated ..and in pain every single day for 16 months......never stops somewhere 

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