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Scared.... :-( How to risk rejection with the herpes talk?

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Hello all

I'm finding myself constantly thinking about having to disclose to a man I have been seeing for 3weeks ....I have myself so stressed out I can hardly eat and not sleeping ..... I have known this man for a couple years I'm 44 and he is 36...bit of an age gap . I have had hsv2 for 3 years and this is the first time I have allowed myself to date someone without the virus. He actively pursued me this summer even tho I always had excuses not to go out with him. When I did give in I had the best date ever we connect so well and we have gone on 4 dates total. It's time to tell him because the need for intimacy is growing... My question or dilemma is how do I put myself out there and risk rejection? ... And with that age gap who thinks that this is too much for a relationship to actually work?... I just need advice thoughts suggestions maybe a rock to crawl under ..... This truly bites!!!

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Hi northoftheborder,


first thing is thats the age gap is not that big deal, this man wanted to meet you since a longer time so i dont see why this should be a problem...it dont seem to be problem for him :).I am not a big expert in dating since i got herpes but you meet somebody , you both have a great conection , so you should take all your courage together and tell him (even if its something really really scary to do...i can imagine ).If you dont do it you will regret it at some point...maybe this guy is the one, maybe not but you will only find out if you open yourself.So much people have this virus,explain him the chances of transmission....the truth is that he have bigger chances to get herpes if he fuck around.You know what you having and you know whats the most important fact to protect you partner(antivirales , condoms, healthy live)....if you do all that, the infection rate is really low.

I wish you good luck , dont let this chance go


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If this guy really likes you he will accept you the way that you are. I recently put myself out there and told a guy that I had it and he was completely okay with it. He didn't even blink an eye when I told him. There are much more important things in relationships that need to be worked out. Having herpes is small stuff in the grand scheme of things. If this guy really likes you then he will do everything in his power to be with you. And if he can't accept that you have herpes, it is not you as a person he is rejecting. It is the skin condition that he is afraid of. Also, I think that at 36 he is probably mature enough to see herpes for what it is. A skin condition. I wish you lot's of luck and am sure you will be okay!

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Speaking as a 26 year old who recently dated a 38 year old, I can tell you age has nothing to do with maturity. It seems like he's a mature guy and he pursued you, and you say you guys connect really well - which tells me he's probably mature and can handle it. Be honest, be confident... I think how he reacts can be a big reflection of how you tell him. Stress and worry is probably normal (I'm saying all this never having to disclose to a partner) but if you come off overly stressed, he's going to see it as a huge stressor and something to worry about. Let us know how it goes!

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I'm LOVING what Judith, Katieanne and lulu87 are saying here. Ultimately, if it's meant to be, it's meant to be. And hey, don't we risk rejection EVERY TIME we put ourselves out there, whether it be in dating, asking for a raise, etc.? We live in a vulnerable world where rejection and acceptance are two sides to the same coin. The deeper question before asking someone else to accept you is: Do you accept yourself? If you are actively rejecting yourself with hepres and then disclose to someone else, the chances are much higher that you will convince them, too, to reject you with herpes.


Get straight on loving and accepting yourself first and tell him from a place of not focusing on your own stigma around herpes; focus your attention on all the good qualities you have and all of the great aspects of your relationship so far. When you focus on those things, they become more magnified. It's amazing how much more infectious an idea or feeling is than herpes. If we feel that we are unlovable, undeserving, rejectable, those beliefs tend to infect the other person's perception of us, too. But if we allow ourselves to accept all the parts of us — the good, the bad, the ugly, and everything in between — then that opens the space for the other person to do the same. How we see others and how others see us is all a mirror anyway. What happens out there is a reflection of what is going on inside of us. It's up to us what we focus on. What will you focus on?


Have you read the e-book yet? That lays it all out there. You can download it here for free:


Note: This is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis.
I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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Thanks everyone for your comments and support ... I have been reading thru the material and it's helped alot... Just tweaking the stats to reflect Canada ... But they are very similar ..... I know with my heart I'm an amazing compassionate woman who deserves a healthy relationship with a great guy.... And I'm excited that the prospect of this relationship .... He has definitely won me over which is not the easiest thing to do:-)... I have soul searched and realize that if he makes the choice to move away from seeing me that is his choice and I will respect it....we are golfing tomm and then having dinner after i haven't completely decided if i will disclose tomm .....but I need to soon the stress of all this thinking and playing the talk over in my head has my body rebelling :-(..... Thanks again this experience has be made more bearable with everyone insight:-)

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Hi Northofteborder,

Sorry, I am a bit late on this conversation, but I just wanted to reiterate what everyone has said above. I have recently met someone myself who is 6 years younger than me. And, like you, we had an amazing connection right from the start. I was also nervous telling him but decided that, hey, as my chiropractor so eloquently put it when I told him about how the Weekend and how people suffer from the stress of having herpes, it's "just a fucking skin condition". I waited until we had been out a few times to be sure it was even worth having the conversation, but after 3 or 4 dates I realized, yeah, I really like this guy and I can see the possibility of something really great. So, we had the chat. I had rehearsed it in my head a thousand times and when I finally did it, it was a lot more to the point than I had practiced, but I did follow up with the facts that it is a very common virus. It's been around since the Greeks. 20% of the population has it. 80% don't know they have it though which is why most people don't know how common it is. And doctors don't test for it, which they never tell you so most people assume if they had STD testing and it was clear, they don't have herpes. I also said that the chance of transmission with condoms, not having sex during an outbreak and taking meds is like 1% to 2% per year. I was calm, he was calm. He did his research and we are still seeing each other and enjoying every moment of it. We can talk about me having herpes casually if it comes up, but it's not an issue in our relationship and it's not something that hinders our moments of intimacy.


I hope it goes well. If he rejects the herpes, then that is a preference, not a judgment on you. If nothing else, you have made him aware and he can know you were being transparent and in integrity. How many people have herpes and are afraid to tell their partner? Lots I am sure. You care enough about him to tell him everything. That builds a sense of trust right off the bat because he knows no matter how difficult something may be, you will be honest with him, even if you risk losing him. Wow. How attractive is that!


Please let us know how it goes. :)


Hugs, Brenda xo

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