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Newbie: Confused how I got herpes

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Hi everyone... I joined here after finding I don't know anyone in my "real" life with herpes. I was diagnosed about a month ago, with my first outbreak right around my birthday, and I found out two days later. I've told most of my friends and everyone has been very supportive, but nobody knows what I'm going through. I get that feeling that although everyone is supportive of me, they're glad it's not them. I guess that's normal, since nobody really wants herpes. I haven't told any of my family which has been hard since they obviously know something is going on but I don't feel comfortable disclosing an STD to them...


Anyway, I've found myself feeling alternatively very confused and very sad. I've accepted the diagnosis for all it is, and it doesn't really bother me (even though I'm currently in my second outbreak which is not the most comfortable thing), but I'm worried what it means for my future relationships and the uncertainty of this diagnosis really bothers me. I've had generalized anxiety disorder since childhood so uncertainty is really hard for me... and now, this diagnosis means that I can never be certain I won't have an outbreak or I'll be accepted by my potential partners. I've heard, again and again, that when I find the right person, he will accept this, but I still feel like this eliminates people that normally would have been good matches if not for my diagnosis. I guess I'm still stuck on dealing with the stigma.


I'm also struggling with how exactly I got this. I got my first outbreak after sleeping with a guy, we'll call him M. We were not very serious yet and he had become distant when I got my diagnosis. After I was diagnosed, I told him on a Sunday night, he got the blood test Monday, and Tuesday morning by 10am he had told me he was negative. Since then, he's been flighty and after a series of texts trying to get him to communicate better, he's begun to completely ignore and avoid me. We had always used protection so it seems unlikely it was him but he was initially very supportive and I'm confused why he suddenly began ignoring me. It hurt to be rejected while coping with the initial diagnosis. My previous partner was a long-term boyfriend but I hadn't had any symptoms then except some pain during sex, but nothing close to what I experienced with my first outbreak, so I don't think that was herpes. Or maybe it was... in any case, we haven't been in touch since our breakup a few months ago and I'm nervous to contact him. If he did give it to me, he doesn't know he has it and I worry he will outright reject and demean me if I tell him about it.


I don't know... I'm sorry this was so long. I feel like I've talked about this to all of my friends but nobody really understands and it's hard to have no solid answers. It feels like the clinics and doctors are uninformed and the internet has so much conflicting information I never know what to trust. If you actually read all this, thank you, and I'm sorry for my rant.

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No need to be sorry for speaking to all this. This is exactly why this forum exists: For you to get it all out there and for others to be able to hear what you're going through. That's the only way support can happen: If one person shares, and others listen. So thank you for sharing yourself here, Lulu. I'm glad you're here.


And about the worry that this lessens your dating pool, that's a very common worry when first getting herpes. It's an ironic thing. In my experience of having herpes for the past 8 years (since I accepted myself fully with herpes), having herpes has actually greatly enhanced my dating life. The kinds of people who will see it as just a skin condition are the kinds of people I want to be with: Open-minded, non-judgmental, seeing beyond skin deep, etc. And these people also see my integrity for telling them I have herpes. So many people who have herpes choose to live in denial and not tell potential partners. When I disclose, it's coming from a heartfelt place of caring for them and their health. That goes a long way in starting to set the stage for a beautiful, trusting relationship. And even if it doesn't end up in a relationship, so many people I have disclosed to have become my deep, deep friends.


So don't let the stigma create some dismal future for yourself. (Do you believe everything that our culture says? You get to determine your own beliefs.) Your sex life and relationships can be even DEEPER than they were before herpes. In fact, many people on this forum have said just that ... that having herpes actually got them to see themselves on a deeper level, which in turn brought all their relationships that much deeper. Herpes won't allow you to have superficial relationships anymore. Congratulations! :)

Note: This is for informational purposes only. This information does not constitute medical advice or diagnosis.
I'm not a medical professional, so please take this as friendly peer support. 

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  • 2 months later...

I have a similar experience. I found out last week that I have it and am going through an outbreak. I thought that I got it from my on again-off again boyfriend of over a year and a half but he got tested and he said his results came back negative. I was really confused because he had been the only person i had been for almost 6 months. Maybe i got it from someone else and it's just now showing up.... Either way it goes, i'm accepting it and trying to move on. My on/off boyfriend is now my ex but he's really supportive and like my best friend. And about the whole "he might demean you" thing...there are going to be people like that. It sucks and i've been through it with someone. They tried to blame me and called me all kinds of things and it hurt but it showed me that I can do better. That there are some people who will be there, understand and respect you and there are others who are going to be mean and disrespectful either because they're uninformed, scared or just being outright mean. It's all about screening. We don't have to put up with the superficial relationships anymore. We can eventually find that person that loves us no matter what, gives us the respect we deserve and makes us happy... :)

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I went through the same thing last year on my birthday. I know how much confusion and self doubt comes with it. It gets better and life does go on and continue even with this slight hiccup. Feel free to message me if you feel like venting or questions. Smile you have people here who understand and love you.

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Iknow your confused right now. My story might help a little but. My bf at the time gave it to me the first night we slept together and when we went to the doctor a few days later she told me she is pretty sure I had it. She took a swab sample and a week later she told me ihave it. He denied ever giving it to me that he doesn't have it and igot it threw oral cuz he had a cold sore on his lip. He never contracted it from me from what he said even though we had sex during an OB. You don't know if for sure he's telling you the truth about having it. That's nothing you should be worried about to be honest I had a long term bf before my H giver and he didn't have it. It wouldn't hurt to maybe ask but that's up to you. As for relationship wise you will find someone. This will make you stronger and have standards for yourself. You'll learn to love yourself more with this. After igot it Ifound partners still wanted to be with me eventhough ihad it. But also my ex before my H giver came back into my life after ihad gotten it and we're still together today he did contract it from me out of his own choice but were supportive of each other and I helped him threw his first OB. There is hope girl hold onto it and stay strong.

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He is lying to you. If he had the test done on monday there's no way in hell they got the results back by the next day. I mean someone correct me if I'm wrong. But when i had my tests done i had them done that friday and did not get my results back til thursday. I really hate this pattern I'm noticing of these people that give it to us and we are absolutely certain yet they act like they have the test and and it came back negative in ghe span of a day.. I say show me the paperwork!

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And btw lulu87 ihave had H for 1 year 1 month and and 28 days give or take on the days but life gets easier I promise. Since I've had it I only have had like 3 OB and the first 2 were te worst after thy they arnt bad or too uncomfortable. Cheer up buttercup (: don't let something like this get you down love just pick yourself up and there's people here to dust you off and help you out (: message me anytime <3

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