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Can’t deal with not having disclosed

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I was going through very hard times mentally, without any help, when a guy asked me on a date. Long story short, I went because I thought we could be good friends and he seemed nice, but he turned out to be way too eager later on and I spiraled into bad memories when he kissed me without me really wanting it, I felt I had no control whatsoever over my life and relationships. We ended up at my place and started off using a condom but it kept slipping so he took it off. I was both aware and unaware of my illness. Tried to be cautious but still refused to believe I had been plagued with a virus at such a young age. (21 when caught it from an abusive person and 22 when this date happened.) My mind was in a constant state of dissociation so yeah. I f*ed up but I was f*ed up too. Not an excuse, just another addition to the story. Later turned out I was his first, hence being pushy and hence not knowing how to use a condom properly. I ruined him for life, or atleast til a cure is found. HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS? Yes he could still date, yes he could still party, but he must have the talk, and he must watch his immune system, so he’s not fully FREE anymore. And he’s never even had any experiences when he was free to have them, he had to provide for his family and never dated or partied... (He was 23 at the time.) 

Now let me get to the selfish part as well. Our relationship went pretty well before he developed symptoms, my dumb ass believed “oh I’m healthy and happy”, we went on fun dates, almost developed deeper feelings mutually... Then BAMM it happened, he fell ill with a fever, got tested H+, his mother who’s been battling a heart disease suddendly passed away, I was desperate so I told him I was clean of STDS because I didn’t want him to lose the only person who could comfort his grief (I thought I was that person, how dumb). I only recently told him 2 months ago that I did get a + result for H when 21 years old but did not KNOW I had H because I was too ruined mentally. We have been and are still in contact, dating actually, but c’mon a relationship can’t be built on such weak foundations... So yeah, the selfish part is: How the f* do I get over having ruined my chances of being happy with the only guy to this day whom I could hold a proper conversation with??? I have never been a fan of dating, I was busy with my own life but kept an eye out for guys who were interested in me, and no I don’t want to start dating. I was just glad he came along, after getting over my irrational anger about him kissing me too soon. And now I’m mad at myself. You know, maybe if I told him I had H then we would’ve never had sex but I could’ve stayed friends with him and I could have him in my life without feeling guilty and like a monster! Buuut I never had a chance to, because he wasn’t very keen on talking on the first date, he just wanted sex and then to leave... Idk. We both messed up but I messed up worse than him of course. 

Idk what now. My carreer is going okay, learning self love is fun because I get to pamper myself with gym or hot baths or whatnot, but my soul is a big mess still. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Self love is more than just gym night and hot baths. It's soul surgery. And you seem to be in a constant state of self-sabotage. 

First you had unprotected sex without telling him you were h+ then you lied and told him you were STD free and allowed him to suffer on his own then the guy says ok let's still date and now you're disgusted because "there's no way a relationship can be built on such weak foundations". You're in a cycle of emotional suffering. 

Stop beating yourself up and start taking responsibility for your actions. Making excuses like this helps no one. If you want to fuck all willy nilly without disclosing, sure. Just take antivirals and use condoms each and every time. You can no longer afford to "forget".

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  • 4 weeks later...

I can realte to this on some level I guess. I was messing around in college and had a few different guys i fooled around with at the time of the contraction, but it was very obvious who it was due to the time of receiving symptoms after one (guy 1), not having sex with the other guy (guy2) for 2 weeks ish before (would've had symptoms by then) and the third guy (guy 3) being later i the week when I first contracted it but didn't have full blown symptoms. would've been impossible to get the symptoms that quickly after the second guy that week and maybe even the first (guy 1) but my body some how just felt dirty the second we had sex and from then on... Idk how to explain. hope you kept up if not just . bare with me lol i know its confusing. anyway I swear Ii started getting my symptoms within 48 hours of guy 1 which would've been 24 hours after guy 3, and the symptoms presented themselves as UTI and BV (which I had mutliple times weeks before that). I was in denial while at the same time a hypochondriac and just knew, and went to the doctor with my roommate that weekend once I started having trouble peeing, was still sick, and got the courage to look down inside and saw what looked like lesions. anyway, those lesions were tested but my results didn't come back right away and one doctor said it looked very likely and the other said it could still be my BV along with extreme yeast infection (i used to get horrible ones as a kid and thought it was herpes once when i hadnt even kissed a boy). so I took that as it was, knowing it was prob H but was also like in complete denial... and continued to be for months but we'll get to that. Anyway, I ended up having sex with guy 2 who I hadnt in awhile but it was after a very drunken, drug involved night, due to circumstanes. and I tried to avoid hiim coming near me all night from what I could remember but couldnt tell him why and then I ended up waking up the next morning realiziing what I had done and had a whole panic episode. because at this time my symtpms got very obvious and I igot a call later that day about the tests even though I full well knew at this point. anyway i was praying to god that soome miracle I didnt give it to him even tho you are most likely to shed to someone near primary ob, early on in the virus, not yet taking meds (bc they werent sure), and well I still had symptoms that felt like a yeast infection. Took awhile to lead up to this, but I ended up getting eaten alive by guilt but didnt want to say anything jsut in case and just checked up on him every couple days.... the first time being 1-2ish days later where he replied he was feeling really sick and think he caught something. my stomach dropped and my roomate was next to me and shes the type thats like i wouldnt tell anyone I mean its basically nothing like who cares blah blah blah... he prob didnt get it you overreact.. but I have anxiety disorder and popped my xanax becuase i couldnt fathom the thought of giving this to him especially jsut learning about how im going to deal with it myself. anyway.... he slowly stopped talking to me and got a gf a month or so later so I thought ok maybe im in the clear. 2 weeks ago at the bar he came up to me and jokingly said I know something, and I go what and he smiled and goes hoenstly its not a big deal idc, and I said what (playing stupid but more to see if he would say it) and he made a joke and walked away and we kinda talked after but he didnt even care to bring it up. So I'm back to feelin pretty guilty but honestly a little envious he is so cool about it when iim so not and he has a long lasting girlfriend.... Assuming he told her? maybe not bc everyone here talks?? idk anyway. I've done the same dumb shit... I went on to slightly do it again except thiis time i made the insinuation I may have it (i know stupid I just havent made it to the disclosure step even in a year yet.) and I knew he had it through close friends of his, so I thought... well if hes not sayiing shit neither am i. But yeah.... I think I need to take a step back and start loving myself again without the herpes thought in mind.... stop trying so hard to figure out the herpes situation and iinstead figure out my life and my best self, physically and mentally.... then maybe I can battle the H. Ii know its not easy, but hoenstly I'm not happy with myself before I even caught it.... I need major changes. anyway i hope this makes you feel less guilty. I still have a guiilty conscience with it but im glad we oddly cleared the air and both moved on without any issues. makes me feel ill find someone that will accept it before hand and itll all be good. 

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I knwo that was confusing but if you understand it slightly I hope it helps haha. its hard to explain without naming names. but basically i did what you did I knew/but I didnt know..... and I feel guilty bc truly i did and the signs were there and thats why I tried avoidding it but then I was like well the doctor hasnt confirmed and maybe these arent really the signs...... no way they are. 

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