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unbreakable

Can’t deal with not having disclosed

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I was going through very hard times mentally, without any help, when a guy asked me on a date. Long story short, I went because I thought we could be good friends and he seemed nice, but he turned out to be way too eager later on and I spiraled into bad memories when he kissed me without me really wanting it, I felt I had no control whatsoever over my life and relationships. We ended up at my place and started off using a condom but it kept slipping so he took it off. I was both aware and unaware of my illness. Tried to be cautious but still refused to believe I had been plagued with a virus at such a young age. (21 when caught it from an abusive person and 22 when this date happened.) My mind was in a constant state of dissociation so yeah. I f*ed up but I was f*ed up too. Not an excuse, just another addition to the story. Later turned out I was his first, hence being pushy and hence not knowing how to use a condom properly. I ruined him for life, or atleast til a cure is found. HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS? Yes he could still date, yes he could still party, but he must have the talk, and he must watch his immune system, so he’s not fully FREE anymore. And he’s never even had any experiences when he was free to have them, he had to provide for his family and never dated or partied... (He was 23 at the time.) 

Now let me get to the selfish part as well. Our relationship went pretty well before he developed symptoms, my dumb ass believed “oh I’m healthy and happy”, we went on fun dates, almost developed deeper feelings mutually... Then BAMM it happened, he fell ill with a fever, got tested H+, his mother who’s been battling a heart disease suddendly passed away, I was desperate so I told him I was clean of STDS because I didn’t want him to lose the only person who could comfort his grief (I thought I was that person, how dumb). I only recently told him 2 months ago that I did get a + result for H when 21 years old but did not KNOW I had H because I was too ruined mentally. We have been and are still in contact, dating actually, but c’mon a relationship can’t be built on such weak foundations... So yeah, the selfish part is: How the f* do I get over having ruined my chances of being happy with the only guy to this day whom I could hold a proper conversation with??? I have never been a fan of dating, I was busy with my own life but kept an eye out for guys who were interested in me, and no I don’t want to start dating. I was just glad he came along, after getting over my irrational anger about him kissing me too soon. And now I’m mad at myself. You know, maybe if I told him I had H then we would’ve never had sex but I could’ve stayed friends with him and I could have him in my life without feeling guilty and like a monster! Buuut I never had a chance to, because he wasn’t very keen on talking on the first date, he just wanted sex and then to leave... Idk. We both messed up but I messed up worse than him of course. 

Idk what now. My carreer is going okay, learning self love is fun because I get to pamper myself with gym or hot baths or whatnot, but my soul is a big mess still. 

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