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unbreakable

Isolation?

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Is it bad to want to leave a relationship because it reminds me of my past mistakes? I infected a guy I didn’t disclose to but he stayed with me, on some days we get along really well and I actually feel a connection and see a future, but he has slight PTSD because of my deeds and to be honest so do I! I can’t stand the person I was back then, I was letting fear control me... And everytime I look at him I see only a little bit of the wonderful person he is because my mind is clouded by my own self hate, everytime I look at him it’s like a mirror that shows me as a terrible monster! He tries not to mention it to me too often, he doesn’t put me through emotional abuse at all even though I’d kinda deserve it. But he has his bad days, and I can see it in his eyes that he’s withering away beside me because of me! I think he doesn’t know his opportunities well enough, I’m his first girlfriend and he doesn’t know how much better it could get than this relationship. Also he’s afraid he would infect someone. And he tries to forgive me but I think it’s nearly impossible and definitely not necessary. It would be easier to just leave me, to think I was a monster, and to move on. Then I could move on too and make myself understand that I am NOT a monster anymore. I know I f.cked up badly but you know... I DO deserve to be admired with passion as much as he deserves to have a passionate relationship. I don’t have to stay if it’s making me sad more often than him. It might seem like an immature decision though. But it feels right. Feels painful but feels right. I want to focus on myself, not dating just loving myself more. I really wish he would have to courage to fall for someone else without fearing the disclosure! I wish he could let me go... I am witty and caring and I do look good, (I know my worth) but if I’m not making him happy, because of who I am/was, then it’s silly of him to stay! Buuut leaving a person after I had hurt him so severely, leaving a person who still loves me, leaving a person whom I still love, kinda... is just so rude and painful! Or would it not be? I’m so clueless. I don’t know if breaking things off would be a healthy mature decision towards both of our recovery or a dumb decision that my depression and self hate is telling me!!!

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I mean we could have been so happy! And maybe we still could be...?! He’s become more mature and more loving since in a relationship. He’s amazing. I’m afraid that he will fall in love with the wrong girl. Anyway, not my problem. I know I’m not the right one for him. I was just a lesson. 

 

Thanks for reading. 

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