Anyone in a happy relationship with their H giver?

[unbreakable]

My partner has caught it from me. I was in denial about my diagnosis and we were also a little drunk. I did not initiate having sex, I was just too tired not to go with it. In spite of all this we did fall in love. 

I hate having betrayed him like this, when he confronted me about his symptoms I even lied for a longer while about not having known about the virus. I know, I’ve been through hell because of it already so I don’t need to be told how badly I messed up. Then I finally came to terms with everything and told everything to him  

He seems to feel more love for me than any other emotion, he’s still attracted to me, and said he’d much rather let go of his anger and disappointment than let go of the person he feels so close to. 

Will he ever be able to look at me with fresh eyes and appreciate me for who I am when I’m not a dumbass in denial about her own health? I really want him to be happy and attracted, and kinda start again. I do love him. 

[unbreakable]

Let me rant a little. 

I feel like I’ve messed up the whole relationship dynamic forever! Whenever something bad happens we never know if it’s because of H or not. Because he caught it so early on we didn’t even have time to get to know each other properly. Also, it’s a first serious relationship for both of us.

So, for instance, when he buys a Playboy magazine to pass time between meetings, neither do I nor does he know if it’s because of a muffled desire for running wild and getting all the healthy, happy, attractive and new ladies without having to worry about a disclosure, OR y’know, just a completely normal “guy thing”, actually who doesn’t like pretty girls? I’m straight and even I do! And I could go on... Really... If I have a cold but don’t go to the doc after the first few sneezes we don’t know if he wants me to go because he is worried about me because he loves me, or because not caring enough about my health has already caused him problems once and it’s quite unattractive. If I am in a cranky mood we don’t know if he’s annoyed simply because he feels bad about his queen having turned into a dragon which she’s clearly not enjoying, or because he feels like every bad-mood moment spent with me is amplified because of what I’ve done robbing him of his time and denying him the truth. (I lied to myself too but whatever.) Realllllly. Everything seems tainted sometimes.

I know there is no magic pill for the emotional mess I made, I just had to get it off my chest, and maybe I’ll get some advice too. 

 

Stay strong y’all. Thanks for reading.