I really do feel like a destroyer of worlds

[unbreakable]

First I had to suffer from a messy childhood which led me into a short and sad relationship. I was a late bloomer, I waited for “the right one”, but I met an immature person. He made the breakup out to be my fault, I felt devastated, from then on I let everyone who wanted me have me, it just didn’t have any value to me – no I didn’t enjoy it at all. I caught herpes from a terrible older dude who knew he had it but for some reason never told me except for one time accidentally but it was already too late. He infected me  

Now I have to suffer because I infected someone. I was in denial about my diagnosis, he was pushy, it happened too fast, we got intimate and he caught it. His very ill mother passed away after a few weeks of us dating, my dumb ass thought I was his only help in his grief so I kept quiet about everything except for trying to make him feel better. I lied to myself and to him about me being STD free for a year. (I never knew the grief wasn’t about his mom he knew was gonna go soon but about his health, and my presence just worsened it...) 

We’re still together, I’ve already came to terms with and admitted having herpes... Of course it’s a troubled thing that will never be pure, a dysfunctional relationship dynamic because of the bad memories we BOTH have. 

I ruined a big part of his life. I caused him pain. And now I feel like a monster for wanting to leave and finally let him live a free life, because that will cause him pain too! It literally sounds so terrible it would make anyone nauseous... I infected him and I break up with him. 

From an outside perspective it looks like I just want to escape the consequence of my actions, or think he’s broken and choose to leave for someone better instead of supporting him. None of these is the case. 

I just know how terrible it is to be stuck with the person who infected you, so I want to leave. That way he can live his best life again (except for having to disclose and to take acyclovir...) and I can improve myself too. 

I just can’t grow bigger than my guilt, when he’s around. I relapse into self hate and become a terrible partner as well as a depressed and unattractive person. No matter how hot I dress, I’ll still be unappealing. Partly because of the sadness, partly because duh I am the one who infected him with a goddamn virus that can’t be cleaned out of the body. 

It might not cause frequent symptoms, date partners might not be freaked out about it if they were gonna use protection anyway or if maybe they have H too... But I still f**ed up his health, and his trust. Maybe he’ll never be able to believe a woman again. Who knows? I don’t! And neither does he yet because he hasn’t dated after me – neither before me actually. Getting H when losing your virginity, what kind of luck is this???

[LNAA1]

Maybe he doesn’t want to date anyone else. I would think that he stayed for more than the reason that you gave him Herpes. I know that there is no way I would have stayed with the person who gave it to me. They were abusive. But maybe you need to give yourself a chance?  Stop being so hard on yourself. Herpes doesn’t define you nor him nor your relationship. You need to think about why you would want to stay or leave without thinking about the h part. 

[unbreakable]

H happened very early on. He developed symptoms one week into us dating. Also, I was shocked and in denial but subconsciously still knew I had H, so I could say everything was a lie from the beginning because I didn’t disclose. 

So it has affected us heavily. He was grieving because of his health, he lost confidence and love for his body, my guilt made me depressed and I had derealization... We can hardly tell what things would be like if it wasn’t for H. I fluctuate between thinking it would be a Disney movie, because the first few dates were really amazing, and between thinking we wouldn’t have worked out anyway because we are different. (No two people are the same, though! LOL...) 

He lost faith in his intuition because whenever it told him I was a liar I told him I wasn’t. Until I disclosed. So he is kind of torn between two different approaches too. One is that he just wants freedom and endless dates with flirting and laughter and unsaved phone numbers, the other is that he wants to be able to look at me with an honest smile and take me on dates and be proud of the fact that he’s got me. 

 

I do love him. He has love for me too. I was a broken person and I acted stupid but I am special and he knows that. I’m caring. I’m funny. I have my own style. I’m not the kind of person to become boring after a while. I am ambitious like him so I support his goals... so yeah, I know my values and he knows why he’s staying too. I just wish he never questiones whether it’s worth it or not. I never want him to think he is sacrificing anything for the sake of being together with me. Duh. Who would want that? 

I don’t want to leave unless he wants me to but can’t make the first move. I want to fix things. But sometimes looking at him kills all my confidence because all I think is “this is the awesome dude I have hurt badly like some psycho whore... yay now I gotta put a smile on and act less anxious because anxiety won’t fix anything and will only turn him off”. 

 

I try to focus on the future. We do have a future. I just want to make the most of it. I’ve always been a perfectionist. Tolerating each other, a “dishonest immature woman” and a “distant exhausted frustrated man” is not enough for me, I want us to be crazy for each other. I want him to look at me like he would give me the world just to have me. I know I don’t deserve it but still. I want him to enjoy my affection: I don’t want to keep him captive as my infected little pet who keeps me happy! I just want to show him love! Sooo much misunderstanding because of my lies about H... I’m not a liar, I was just broken. And after I lied he lied too. I never knew what he was feeling or what was going on, he even had some platonic dates behind my back when we were almost breaking up. I was never attracted to other guys. 

 

Anyway. The past sucks, but we’re still present in each other’s lives, so I want to try to build a foundation for a future instead of the mess we had. I really hope the future holds a cure too... It’s ridiculous that so many people have this nasty silly virus but it can’t be cured. Flu can be cured, HIV can be suppressed... and no cure for H? 

[forgivenessandpeace]

I love this that you wrote @unbreakable : 

Quote

 I am special and he knows that. I’m caring. I’m funny. I have my own style. I’m not the kind of person to become boring after a while. I am ambitious like him so I support his goals... so yeah,

 

You describe your tough situation so well. If I were in your shoes, I would insist on "setting him free". If he really does want you and love you all the past complications notwithstanding, he will come and get you. Then you'll KNOW that he wants you for you not because he HAS to be with you. I would need that reassurance for myself. That way, when he does come back looking at you like he would give the world just to have you, you will be able to say to yourself, "Yes this is the awesome dude who LOVES me and WANTS me" Guilt solved and you can go forward as equal partners to build a great future.