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Specific Question Regarding Disclosure


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Hello everyone .. here it goes

About half a year ago I broke up with my bf of many many many years. Recently I decided to try online dating. I met one guy that I really hit it off with. After a few dates things seemed promising. The last time we went out both of us got drunk and ended up at his place. I have genital HSV2. We did not have sex and I had my panties on but I went down on him and there was touching and cuddling. I didn't disclose my condition prior to things getting heated and now I am driving myself crazy. Next time I see him I will definitely be having the talk but until then I am going nuts over this. I am afraid he'll feel like I lied and that I put him at risk. I take responsibility - def should have disclosed before things got heated. Maybe I should start disclosing after the first date going forward, this way drunk moments like this are less likely to happen. What are some people's opinions on the situation has anyone been in a similar scenario before and how did their partner react. What are some suggestions on how to approach this conversation? 

Thanks all! 

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I've been now for the past few days really driving myself crazy. I feel so awful that I didn't disclose this and it's really eating at me. I'm just completely losing it. I've been crying nonstop and it's so terrifying thinking about having to now have a conversation that's even harder. Does anyone actually date normally with this? Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't ever drink anymore bc of these types of scenarios.  Am I going to always have to cry after every date thinking about the day I choose to disclose before getting intimate with people and waiting for them to reject me? Can't help but think what is the point of dating anymore.

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In my opinion you havent done anything wrong, you didnt expose him in any way to the virus. The only thing that could maybe be considered insensitive is that you took your relationship to a physical level with him (which can also sometimes advance peoples feelings emotionally) without giving him all the information to your circumstances. He may have preferred he had that information mentally before he brought the relationship to any sort of physical level. But I wouldn't stress over it.  

And to answer your question dating does have an added level to it, but you most certainly can still date and get laid with herpes haha

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41 minutes ago, annalove said:

In my opinion you havent done anything wrong, you didnt expose him in any way to the virus. The only thing that could maybe be considered insensitive is that you took your relationship to a physical level with him (which can also sometimes advance peoples feelings emotionally) without giving him all the information to your circumstances. He may have preferred he had that information mentally before he brought the relationship to any sort of physical level. But I wouldn't stress over it.  

And to answer your question dating does have an added level to it, but you most certainly can still date and get laid with herpes haha

Thank you so much for responding. I am sure in my head I'm making this a bigger deal than it needs to be but I just haven't dealt with it properly yet. I hate that I didn't disclose prior to getting physical ... I'm certain he wasn't exposed to the virus but I still can't help but worry .. all the "what if" questions. 

I love your attitude on dating. I know it sounds silly but I've been feeling like I will never get to have sex with anyone ever again. I have so much adjusting to do.

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I also don't think you did anything wrong. You were sober enough to make sure you didn't have sex with him. I just had my first successful disclosure over the weekend, and things went from innocent to let's get busy really fast. We were drinking, but I was anticipating that I was going to disclose that night, so when things were heading in that direction, I stopped him and told him I needed to talk to him before we went any further. And I told him. And he didn't care at all about it. And we continued with our night. I will admit that in the morning, I questioned whether he would regret moving forward or if he was fully getting what I was telling him. But, he and I were talking that next morning and he commented (not in a bad way, just kinda reliving the night) about me stopping him to talk about it, and then we had sex again, so I'm confident that he really does not care about it. We have mutual feelings that this relationship is IT for both of us, so that could be why. He may be feeling like it doesn't matter if he gets it from me because we're the last people we'll be with. I can't speak for him, but that's my feeling.

Until I met this man, I was also feeling like "Is it worth it to potentially be rejected, and maybe I'll just stay alone and never have sex again", but I can promise you, there are some wonderful men out there who will love you for you and will not care about HSV.

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1 hour ago, 100918 said:

I also don't think you did anything wrong. You were sober enough to make sure you didn't have sex with him. I just had my first successful disclosure over the weekend, and things went from innocent to let's get busy really fast. We were drinking, but I was anticipating that I was going to disclose that night, so when things were heading in that direction, I stopped him and told him I needed to talk to him before we went any further. And I told him. And he didn't care at all about it. And we continued with our night. I will admit that in the morning, I questioned whether he would regret moving forward or if he was fully getting what I was telling him. But, he and I were talking that next morning and he commented (not in a bad way, just kinda reliving the night) about me stopping him to talk about it, and then we had sex again, so I'm confident that he really does not care about it. We have mutual feelings that this relationship is IT for both of us, so that could be why. He may be feeling like it doesn't matter if he gets it from me because we're the last people we'll be with. I can't speak for him, but that's my feeling.

Until I met this man, I was also feeling like "Is it worth it to potentially be rejected, and maybe I'll just stay alone and never have sex again", but I can promise you, there are some wonderful men out there who will love you for you and will not care about HSV.

Thank you so much for your reassuring words. Congratulations on finding someone so special! This gives me hope that maybe there is someone out there who will be accepting and loving. I keep reading similar positive stories to give myself hope but I guess the brain is wired to concentrate only on the negative and the fear that comes with having to disclose is debilitating for me. Can I ask you how old are you and your partner? And how long have you been dating before getting physical with each other?

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6 hours ago, girltryingtodate said:

Thank you so much for your reassuring words. Congratulations on finding someone so special! This gives me hope that maybe there is someone out there who will be accepting and loving. I keep reading similar positive stories to give myself hope but I guess the brain is wired to concentrate only on the negative and the fear that comes with having to disclose is debilitating for me. Can I ask you how old are you and your partner? And how long have you been dating before getting physical with each other?

I am 40 and my partner is a few years older. We'd only been dating a couple of weeks before we got intimate. I think it has more to do with maturity and understanding than it does with age. My ex-husband is 47 and I guarantee that he would not have been accepting of it...and I can also pretty much guarantee that he is the one who gave it to me. But is an immature uneducated ass. 

If I didn't feel like my partner was going to be receptive to what I had to say, I wouldn't be dating him, and certainly wouldn't have bothered to disclose because I would never have gotten intimate with him. I really think that being HSV+ really makes us take a good hard look at who we are dating and consider things more carefully...but I was still scared to disclose...but for no justified reason, as it turns out.

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1 hour ago, 100918 said:

I am 40 and my partner is a few years older. We'd only been dating a couple of weeks before we got intimate. I think it has more to do with maturity and understanding than it does with age. My ex-husband is 47 and I guarantee that he would not have been accepting of it...and I can also pretty much guarantee that he is the one who gave it to me. But is an immature uneducated ass. 

If I didn't feel like my partner was going to be receptive to what I had to say, I wouldn't be dating him, and certainly wouldn't have bothered to disclose because I would never have gotten intimate with him. I really think that being HSV+ really makes us take a good hard look at who we are dating and consider things more carefully...but I was still scared to disclose...but for no justified reason, as it turns out.

I agree about it having to do with maturity more than anything else. I am so happy for you that you've found someone who is mature and educated. The educated part really does make a big difference in the way people view this. I am so sorry about your ex-husband. My college boyfriend was the one who gave it to me after refusing to use protection. Then when I told him, he insisted that it couldn't have been him bc he was clean - but still wouldn't use protection with me even after I told him. I felt so trapped I stayed with him for years even though he was definitely cheating on me and just immature in all the ways you can imagine. (Thankfully that part of life is now behind me.)

I've definitely had to reflect on my behavior more now than I would have ever in the past. I used to enjoy casual sex and no strings attached but now I really need to think about what I want and with whom I am willing to be open. It's still hard sometimes because I crave the physical closeness and fear that I won't find someone that will be accepting. I am hopeful. I keep telling myself there is a lesson in this I just need to work on myself and how I view the situation. Life brought this to me for a reason. Some days are easier than others.

Right now I am trying to get the courage to disclose this new guy that I was with the other night. I don't know him enough - we've only been out a few times but now since we have been physical I can't continue to see him and not disclose until I feel I am ready to have sex. I think it would be unfair and is leading a person on. The anticipation of rejection is the hardest. But we will see. I just need to start disclosing and feeling comfortable having this talk.

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I haven't read this whole thread, but you need to calm down. You have a responsibility to your partner to disclose before engaging in sexual activity that could infect them. That's it. He wasn't at risk, so whatever. Disclose before sex, but don't beat yourself up over making out or giving someone a blowjob. Dude should be extremely grateful, TBH. 

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On 2/17/2019 at 10:11 PM, Bambina3 said:

Did you have sexual intercourse? No, then you didn’t do anything wrong. Be kind to yourself.

Thank you so much for the kind words. I know I have made this a bigger deal in my head than it needs to be but I tend to do that. I am out of a very long term relationship and navigating dating and having to deal with disclosure is all a bit new. I did disclose to him the other day and to my surprise, he has no issues with it. 🙂

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On 2/17/2019 at 10:42 PM, Ishmael said:

I haven't read this whole thread, but you need to calm down. You have a responsibility to your partner to disclose before engaging in sexual activity that could infect them. That's it. He wasn't at risk, so whatever. Disclose before sex, but don't beat yourself up over making out or giving someone a blowjob. Dude should be extremely grateful, TBH. 

You made me chuckle, thank you for that! I am now feeling much better as I disclosed to him and don't feel like I am hiding something or being dishonest. He was so nice about the whole thing and doesn't have a problem with it which is a relief. It's been good to hear positive support from everyone on here and my friends. I def had made this a bigger deal in my head than it needed to be - just hate feeling like I am not being honest. We live and learn.

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As someone who has had A LOT of one night stands I of course was never disclosed to. I would have appreciated the heck out of it and still carried on. You TOTALLY were in no way in the wrong here. Sometimes I wonder if the way disclosure is brought onto us adds to stigma. Obviously it's important to disclose but as long as you aren't putting any one in harm it's up to you when you want to. We're adults and can make an adult decision regardless as to which brain our blood is concentrated at the most..... 🙂

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Are there more people that haven’t been rejected?  I have tried a few times to disclose and all times been ghosted and rejected.  Sometimes they say it’s ok and then a week later ghost me.  I feel so worthless and can’t stop crying. I need to know that there is some sort of dating life out there for me 

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17 hours ago, LNAA1 said:

Are there more people that haven’t been rejected?  I have tried a few times to disclose and all times been ghosted and rejected.  Sometimes they say it’s ok and then a week later ghost me.  I feel so worthless and can’t stop crying. I need to know that there is some sort of dating life out there for me 

I disclosed to my partner 2 weeks ago. He not only was okay with it, he was like "that is nothing", and still wanted to have sex. Had a lot of it that night, more a few nights ago, and staying with him again tonight where there will be more, I'm sure. There are definitely people out there who understand that the risk is low, the virus itself is largely nothing to stress about (with exceptions, of course), and know that you are worth whatever chance there is that they might contract the virus from you.

In my case, I am asymptomatic and was diagnosed by blood test alone. Doesn't lower his risk of getting it from me via shedding, and he's fine with it. I am not on any antivirals, and he would be a-okay with not using any condoms, bu I'm not looking to get pregnant. He's simply not scared of it and wants to be with me.

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