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unbreakable

Impatient, hepless, frustrated about my future if there is one.

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So I’m feeling a lot better now than I did before. And I hate it. Why? Because my present self basically wants to murder my past self for ruining the future. Now that I know I DO deserve to be happy, I hate settling for anything less  

I’m in a relationship that is happy but we have 0 trust. He doesn’t trust me because I infected him and was weak and lied. I don’t trust him because instead of confronting me he started falling for / flirting with everything with pulse and a pair of boobs to satisfy his emotional needs which I only later found out. 

I want to be honest, and argue when necessary! Like normal couples! But: you know how conversations have a tendency to get broader and broader in topics until “going back to Adam and Eve”? Well, whenever we feel a motivation to fix what doesn’t feel good, and inevitably get to the root of it, what do we find? MY GODDAMNED MISTAKE of not accepting my diagnosis to be true and infecting him then for a long time saying I was clean. He does have mistakes too, but they don’t compare. Is hitting on other girls on the street while just starting to date someone rude? To me it is. Duh. But is it an incurable virus? I DON’T DAMN THINK SO... 

I’m so ashamed. I deserve better than who I was! I deserve respect and I deserve to be someone’s one and only queen, if I’m not single... I don’t wanna face this any more times. I already went to hell and back a lot. I’m so mad at my mistakes. 

I am an awesome human except for this one thing! I know it, I feel it, I know myself! I feel like grieving, almost all the time. 

I literally just wish for trust and appreciation. Basic things that most people have. Hell, I would take the cure for herpes too, if emotional remedies are out of stock... But that’s really just the second thing I would need to not feel like I’m slowly dying. 

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