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unbreakable

My life and self is still a wreck

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I caught herpes from a barely consensual encounter with a stranger I felt very repelled by... 

Every symptom just reminds me of having been in such a bad place mentally that I just let him do as he wanted. And this ofcourse puts me in a completely depressed mood. 

When I didn’t know the exact risks I let another guy I didn’t want to have sex with close to me, but I did like this guy, I hoped he would maybe want to go on an actual date if we had sex. That night started off as a date too but it turned into just sex... So yeah. 

He contracted the virus and has also been reminding me of my past ever since. Not on purpose, of course, just because he’s still proccessing what happened and doesn’t keep his feelings bottled up. 

We were stuck in a relationship because of always having something we needed to talk about... I completely lost myself. We didn’t have much in common besides the virus he got from me! Not having much in common can be fun in a healthy relationship, we could’ve gone on some very fun dates and “first times” if he didn’t get symptoms after our first date. But here we were, two completely different personalities, two different very unhealthy coping mechanisms, and a problem that literally can’t be solved because there is no known cure yet. I changed the way I dressed, talked, everything, in hope of being a better partner... 

To top it, I was only 21 so I never really had my own style to begin with. So I had to abandon what I wasn’t even sure about  Completely lost. 

Now I’m a nervous wreck. In my private life and “internal” life. (In business and other matters not. I have cool friends, a lot of trustworthy clients, and I can actually make a living with doing what I love. It’s a flow state and a hobby so my emotional issues never really reach it or affect it.) Actually I could live without much interpersonal intimacy, I’m young, I’m still discovering my own self so I never feel lonely. But this lack of motivation and self appreciation is crippling. I dislike my own company, I’m not friends with myself, I lost the joy of “just being me” that was basically my most important quality. I used to smile about the silliest little things. Now I’m constantly worried or bored. 

 

I couldn’t care less about the stigma of the virus. I take my antivirals in public often, and the back of the tablet leaf has herpes in the medicine’s name with huge letters... I just don’t care. It’s a skin condition. And condoms do exist so if any creep were to imagine me “up close and personal” they need not freak out - that is, unless I stare at them with my rudest anti creep look. LMAO 

But there is a stigma around how I caught the virus and how my guy caught it. So I now basically live as a too-weak-to-say-no dumb dishonest person. Which I am not. I am not my deeds. I am not the people who have touched me. I am a person with a minor chronic physical illness that takes a toll on her otherwise beautiful but complicated mind. 

I’ll never be recognized as such, by anyone who has known me in those dark times of getting and giving the virus. And this causes me inner turmoil. In order to start fresh and be my usual badass self who is a joy to be around, I have to be alone, because only I know myself well enough now. I just want time to re-evaluate my life and get my power back, but damn it, I would need power to distance the people in my life from me, as well... Endless loop. I do try but everyone fails to react accordingly. Idk if their or my fault. 

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