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A very tricky herpes disclosure situation. Need advice!

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Hi everyone, I am a newbie here! I had my first outbreak exactly a month ago today and received my positive test via culture swab results two weeks ago. Contrary to what I thought, I am handling it very well given the shocking nature of my diagnosis.


A little backstory on my situation:

A guy I met ten years ago as a friend of my brothers and I fell totally in love two years ago. Sadly, he had to move to the other side of the country to care for his mother after surgery. He was only supposed to be gone a few months, but because his mother didnt get well, he is staying for the foreseeable future, which I fully support because he has an amazing relationship with his mother. I have gone to visit and met his wonderful family and we both know how lucky we are to have each other. We've had such a fantastic relationship given our hard circumstances but sadly, a few months ago we broke up because of the distance. He's not a phone person, I'm the opposite. We agreed that until he came home, we would remain friends and still be a part of each others lives.


Enter the jerk who gave me herpes in the cruelest, most horrible way. I met someone new because I was fairly convinced I needed to move on, and I dated jerk face for a few months, come to find that he was being dishonest and sleeping around with half of my city the entire time. The only reason I found out about his dishonesty was because I had my first outbreak, and I'm educated and in tune enough with my body to know what this was and that it was something I should worry about. Him and I both saw doctors, we both traded test results, and then I was done with that person and on to better things.


Now that I have this, it has done nothing but good for me. It obviously feels really weird to say that, but hear me out. The virus has probably saved me from making even worse decisions. Not to play the "daddy didnt love me card" but I went through my teen years and early adulthood searching for love and using my body to get it, which didnt work out very well and I could have ended up with something worse down the line, or in a bad relationship. Herpes, however hard it is to say the word right now, has given me insight to who I am and what I want. It's made me want better for myself, it's made me LOVE MYSELF. Something I never realized I didn't already do.


Now the problem. In a few months, the one I really loved, the one across the country, is going to come home to visit for New Year's and has since decided of all times, to let me know he is still interested in dating again when he comes down to visit and decide how we're going to make this work, my question is, now that I have hsv, when is the right time to tell him? He knew me and loved me before I had this. And of course, I am TERRIFIED he will reject me because its something he didnt sign up for even though he is aware I was seeing someone else for a short time. I know that if he does reject me, then he isn't the person I thought he was and I'm probably better off finding someone else and I've made peace with that. However, everyday I don't tell him feels dishonest. He has no idea that my situation has changed. That I've changed. I'm not sure if I should tell him before he comes to visit, when he can't have an escape if he needs one. It feels very confrontational and I would rather do it in a face to face environment that's not threatening, but comfortable and a safe place to talk it out. However, I don't think I have that luxury and it seems ill have to do it on the phone.


Can anyone advise me on when and how to tell him? Does waiting until I'm sure I will see him again make me a dishonest person? Keep in mind, that im not even entirely sure him and i will ever have a shot at being together, so i feel like i should only tell him if we are seriously getting involved again. I don't want to tell him for nothing. Should I tell him now over the phone in case he does reject me and I can pick up the pieces and move forward with my life and live this new journey alone until I eventually, hopefully, find someone who WILL love me regardless? Any insight would be appreciated! Thank you for taking the time to read this!!

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My relationships, sexual, friendly, whatever have completely changed since my diagnosis, which was right around when you got yours (only about a month or two ago). With that being said, I would wait to be in person with him to disclose. You may see something in him that clues you in to something you overlooked before or the connection may be different. Plus, it's always better (in my opinion) to disclose in person where you can read body language and the other person can read yours. When you're in a vulnerable situation like that, it's far too easy in email, text, phone, whatever for the other person to shut down and in person it's literally in your face to deal with it at that moment, so you can get some sort of reaction even if they need time. I also think being in person definitely is a different connection than over the phone and, while right now being away from you for several months he may be able to consider walking away after a phone disclosure, if he sees you in person and sees your honesty and has a physical connection with you in the moment, it's a lot easier to consider another option besides avoidance or walking away. I'd say something like, "I know you've been away and you know I saw someone else in the meantime. I didn't know that this person had herpes and it was transmitted to me. I am educated and managing it now, but I want you to know and be able to make a decision about our relationship. It's okay if you have questions and I can answer them as best I can to give you the information you need to make a decision. I hope we can have a relationship either way but you should know this since I care about you." It's very hard for someone to be outright rejecting with that kind of outlook! It also gives an open opportunity for him to say he doesn't know the facts and ask you rather than assuming the "herpes ewww" mindset and writing it off. I hope that helped! Sorry it was long!

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i agree, disclosing in person is more ideal and allows both of you to ask and answer questions with complete honesty. Body language is a key indicator of one's true emotions and both of you will want to see those.

i was diagnosed a month ago as well and had always had trouble with how i used my body to feel wanted, so i really felt a connection reading this. since diagnosis i have felt very uncomfortable letting people touch me if i wasn't already close to them, in any way.

This guy will probably think this diagnosis means nothing to your relationship. Those that really care will research and educate themselves as well, and realize H really is just a skin condition, like any other skin issue. Sounds like distance is a bigger deal breaker than H, and you both have pretty much conquered that. good luck with everything but definitely let him know when hes back in town. Maybe print off the pamphlets they have on here of facts and give him the info when you tell him. Allow him to have some time to let it sink in before any big decision are made as well!

you deserve to be loved!


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