I need a friend.

[No More Tears D]

Hi. I’m a 26 F who is scared out of her mind. I have no one to talk to as no one knows about my situation. Not even family or close friends. The anxiety is unbearable and my thoughts are beginning to scare me. I’ve tried seeing therapists and talking to my doctors, but no one seems to understand. I’m more than sad and could truly use a virtual hug 😢 

D

[hope27]

Hi @No More Tears D we all are here to support you. It's a tough journey but trust me everything will be okay. To start with a big virtual hug for you. 

[Lovenhope]

Feeling the same way right now with you. Why does something that they say isn't a big deal, harmless to almost everyone, can still live a normal life, cause so much emotion and pain. Why does this one thing make people feel so worthless. Everyone says it gets better, but they also say it's a tough journey but does it really get any? Never hated myself n my life so much then I do with this. 

[hope27]

13 minutes ago, Lovenhope said:

Feeling the same way right now with you. Why does something that they say isn't a big deal, harmless to almost everyone, can still live a normal life, cause so much emotion and pain. Why does this one thing make people feel so worthless. Everyone says it gets better, but they also say it's a tough journey but does it really get any? Never hated myself n my life so much then I do with this. 

Well I am no veteran to this. I am not even a month old. To be more precise I am 23 days old. I was hating myself like anything. Thought about killing myself. I am from India where std is not spoken very openly, there's huge lack of sex education. If I tell any girl I have herpes they will not date me forget about getting married. So as long as dating life is concerned it is full of darkness or rather I will say it has hit a rock end. If I tell my friends they will make joke of me and give me lectures on how stupid I was to trust someone in a casual relationship. So basically I can not tell this to anyone whom I know personally. But then I can not let this one thing ruin or end my life. What I realised is until and unless I accept the truth and forgive myself nothing is going to change. Why forgive my self? Because it was my stupidity of not using protection or trusting a wrong person. But if I keep on blaming myself for this it's going to make things more worse. The last thing I want is this virus taking away smile from my life. Life is much much bigger than this. Right now I am taking this as discovering myself, loving myself, taking care of myself. I couldn't sleep for more than two weeks at a stretch. But then the more I accepted the truth the more I am making terms with peace of my mind. Yes every morning when I wake up I am full of sadness. I am fighting between positive and negative thoughts every single second. But what I have promised my self is I will come out of it. I will make people around me happy. And to do that I have to keep my self happy. 

[No More Tears D]

@hope27 thank you so much for that. I feel so angry, anxious and depressed. I can’t stop blaming myself for not taking care of my body. It’s eating me alive. I’m scared I’m going to be alone forever. But your support is more appreciated than you know. Thank you. 

[No More Tears D]

@Lovenhope I completely agree with you. It’s very contradicting. I keep trying to tell myself that so many people have this and it’s so common and I won’t be alone forever but I can’t help but break into tears because I feel like I’m fooling myself. My entire body hurts, my heart has never felt so broken. But I’m here for you, too. 

[hope27]

59 minutes ago, No More Tears D said:

@hope27 thank you so much for that. I feel so angry, anxious and depressed. I can’t stop blaming myself for not taking care of my body. It’s eating me alive. I’m scared I’m going to be alone forever. But your support is more appreciated than you know. Thank you. 

Well I guess the only thing that's makes us insane is the very thought of being alone. If there was no fear of rejection or social stigma attached with it will we be so worried? Of course the physical pain is there and for many the outbreaks are very bad. But more than physical pain  it's question of acceptance is what killing us. What I understood is in order to others to accept us we must accept ourselves first. Nothing wrong if you are feeling angry or anxious or depressed. We are all human beings full of emotions. Infact all these emotions you are having says how much alive you are. Whether someone is going to accept us or not only time will say. I guess for me now it's time to search for true love who will accept me with flaws in me. Not sure when and where. I just know it's going to be a long wait! 

[100918]

10 hours ago, No More Tears D said:

@Lovenhope I completely agree with you. It’s very contradicting. I keep trying to tell myself that so many people have this and it’s so common and I won’t be alone forever but I can’t help but break into tears because I feel like I’m fooling myself. My entire body hurts, my heart has never felt so broken. But I’m here for you, too. 

You WON'T be alone forever! I was diagnosed via blood test almost 6 months ago. I immediately (within 15 min, bad idea lol) disclosed to a guy I had just started seeing, but had known for a year. He initially rejected me. But, then he changed his mind, decided I was worth the risk, and wanted to be with me. I then rejected him for a multitude of reasons, but HSV was not one of them. I had just decided that he was a douchebag.

At the end of January, I met someone. An AMAZING someone. He's HSV negative. I disclosed to him. And he accepted me fully. We are still together and going strong. There are certainly people out there who will accept you for all of you. People who are not afraid of HSV. People who are willing to take the risk (no matter how big or small) because they want to be with YOU.

Don't lose hope!

[Lovenhope]

Thanks 100918. Can I ask how you got the confidence to even tell him? It literally makes me sick just thinking of having to talk about it. They say so many people have it, yet I know 0. I don't know how anyone is going to accept me or be able to look past this. 

[Joe Joe]

This is how I feel regarding the I know 0 people that have genital herpes but to be fair with ourselves it’s probably because their not going around shouting I have herpes but I do ask myself the same question, of all the people I know I feel like none of them have it and I’m an outsider. 

[Lovenhope]

The only person I know of is a guy from high school that when anyone sees at the bar always says "yeah he's a great guy but stay away cuz he has H". I know it's an ignorant comment and I am guilty for having that mindset in the past. But it's just so frustrating that something so "simple" and non harmful.... Cause this much emotional distress and cause people to feel like they don't deserve to live anymore. Why can't they just figure out a damn cure already. 😞

[Joe Joe]

5 minutes ago, Lovenhope said:

The only person I know of is a guy from high school that when anyone sees at the bar always says "yeah he's a great guy but stay away cuz he has H". I know it's an ignorant comment and I am guilty for having that mindset in the past. But it's just so frustrating that something so "simple" and non harmful.... Cause this much emotional distress and cause people to feel like they don't deserve to live anymore. Why can't they just figure out a damn cure already. 😞

That’s why disclosure is scary and I don’t know how I’ll ever go about in engaging with a new partner. What if they shame me and spread the word. I still have a reputation and family name to hold up and unfortunately I’m my community I’ll be the talk of the town.

I honestly don’t know a person that has it which makes me think is it really as common as the stats make it to be? I just always thought eww someone with herpes. I suffer with an autoimmune disorder called Lichen Planus. It’s a rare skin condition where your immune system attack’s your skin for unknown reasons and it left a mark on the head of my penis. Its not an std and such can’t be transmitted through sex nor is it contagious. It’s been there for about 6 years now. There is no cure for it and I tried so many different creams and ointments and natural products on it. Seen many dermatologist about and they said why are u so worried  about it. It’s just Lichen Planus. I was very insecure about it but I use to tell myself at least it’s not herpes. Smh I was very uneducated to herpes altogether and what do you know now I have ghsv1. 

I pray everyday there is a cure because it can cause mental health issues. I keep trying to get it out of my head and beat the stigma and hate to bring my negative comments here and bring anyone else down but right now hsv knocked me on my ass 

[Lovenhope]

I agree. I am really trying to push through this, but feeling extremely down and don't know how to get past it. I was always a positive person and always was hopeful that everything will work out. But currently feel like I'm worthless, gross, and forever alone. 

[Joe Joe]

13 minutes ago, Lovenhope said:

I agree. I am really trying to push through this, but feeling extremely down and don't know how to get past it. I was always a positive person and always was hopeful that everything will work out. But currently feel like I'm worthless, gross, and forever alone. 

How long have you had it?

 

i was diagnosed in January of this year and it had consumed all three months of my life unfortunately. 

The only person I’ve told is my “giver”. I can’t get myself to tell my family or friends. I feel like I’m hiding a big secret now. I also feel so small and unworthy like everybody else is better than me. I don’t hold my head up high anymore at all. It’s a daily battle but we are not alone 

[Lovenhope]

I've had it since November of this year... Unfortunately I received it through a sexual assult from someone who clearly didn't give a shit to stop or protect me and my feelings. The first and only people who know the entire thing are my parents. I am very greatful to have the parents I have. Because without them I would've ended my life over this. It took me about a week to just get enough strength/mindset to get off their couch. But the crying and extreme roller coaster of very very low emotions haven't changed. I see a counselor every week, and she's amazing. But unfortunately I don't know think I'm ever going to be "ok" with any of this. 

[Joe Joe]

2 hours ago, Lovenhope said:

I've had it since November of this year... Unfortunately I received it through a sexual assult from someone who clearly didn't give a shit to stop or protect me and my feelings. The first and only people who know the entire thing are my parents. I am very greatful to have the parents I have. Because without them I would've ended my life over this. It took me about a week to just get enough strength/mindset to get off their couch. But the crying and extreme roller coaster of very very low emotions haven't changed. I see a counselor every week, and she's amazing. But unfortunately I don't know think I'm ever going to be "ok" with any of this. 

I hate to hear that and my feelings truly go out to you. That makes me sad but keep your head up high. I know easier said than done. Maybe I should take my own advice lol but you’ve been through a lot and something great may happen on your next turn. They say there’s always light at the end of the darkest tunnels. I can’t say it will ever be easy to accept it with your circumstances but when it comes to HSV you and I are not alone my friend. Hugs to you and I will say a prayer for you as well on my way home from work 

[Lovenhope]

If it wasn't for my parents being the amazing people they are and finding this forum to talk to people like you and the rest of us here who get that our feelings aren't actually irrational and "crazy" or "dramatic" like I've been told from non positive people (my Dr.) I honest don't know where I'd be. Thank you for your thoughts. You mention prayer. Just out of curiosity has H make you question your spirituality? That's another area I've been struggling. Thanks to everyone here btw. 

[No More Tears D]

@Lovenhope my heart truly goes out to you. No one should ever go through what you did and I am so happy that you're safe. Having support, especially from those you love is more than important. It may not mean much, but I'm here for you too. I have questioned my spirituality through out this entire process. The thoughts "why me?" "what did I do to deserve this?" are among the many. I am not saying i'm a perfect person, but I know my heart, and I always wondered why bad things happen to good people.

[Joe Joe]

8 minutes ago, Lovenhope said:

If it wasn't for my parents being the amazing people they are and finding this forum to talk to people like you and the rest of us here who get that our feelings aren't actually irrational and "crazy" or "dramatic" like I've been told from non positive people (my Dr.) I honest don't know where I'd be. Thank you for your thoughts. You mention prayer. Just out of curiosity has H make you question your spirituality? That's another area I've been struggling. Thanks to everyone here btw. 

No problem. I don’t know what I’d do without the forums either as I’ve said I haven’t talked to anyone about this in real life besides the female that gave it to me so talking to people on here who can relate is great therapy

After I received the diagnosis of ghsv1 over the phone by my doctor he prescribed me the 10 day prescription of Valtrex. He didn’t tell me to set up a follow up appointment or anything but I just did for the hell of it. So when he walks in to the room he can feel my anxiety and he’s like what’s wrong? And I’m like I’m having a really hard time coping with this. He’s like what wrong with you, you need to stop reading about it on the internet. He’s like if you get worse I’m gonna have to put you in antidepressants which I refuse. I agree unless you have this happen to you, you will not understand the emotions that it takes on you and he made me like I was the crazy one being over dramatic. I’m a grown man and I literally cried for at least two weeks every night driving home from work. I haven’t cried as an adult ever except for my sibling that passed a few years ago from cancer. Sorry don’t want to identify the gender of my sibling in case someone can identify me here. 

i still pray but I honestly hate to say it but I have lost a lot of my faith and hope. My sibling passed in 2015. I asked God why at the time he/she was battling. My sibling suffered tremendously. If I told the details you wouldn’t believe it. It was such an aggressive cancer. The only reason I held on to my faith was seeing the faith that my sibling had and he/she never questioned why did this happen to me  They accepted the suffering and still trust in God. It was like God was by their side. No joke. It was something you would have to experience to believe. I wouldn’t last a minute of what they were going through in the last 2 months of their lives. Through the whole battle and after the passing of my sibling there were signs that made me believe in God but I still fell into a deep depression. 

Now I’ll tell you how HSV did in fact question my faith. So like I said after my sibling passed I fell into a deep depression for over 3 years. Last November I got a gym membership and I was finally starting to accept that my very close to me sibling is gone and funny thing is this is also the time I met my giver. My giver was very fun to hang out and took my mind off of things. She was kind of a therapist to me in a way also because I would talk about my sibling to her all the time. I was finally starting to feel like me again and as soon as I told myself maybe I’m coming out of my depression I was diagnosed with hsv in January I asked God why, how can you do this to me? Why when I finally was coming out of my depression did you let me get this and knock me back down to s point I don’t think I’ll ell ever get back up from. I don’t know if as a believer in God we turn to him and ask him why. I tell him I know it’s not your fault but then i say i wish you would have protected me or allowed me the knowledge or changed some circumstances. 

There are so many what if’s. Before me and her started having unprotected sex I asked her to get tested. She and I didn’t know that hsv wasn’t on the panel but if it was then this could have been avoided even though her oral hsv1 wasn’t sexually transmitted I think clinics and doctors should test you for it and educate you and to make you aware that although your oral hsv was not given to sexually, you can still pass this to someone sexually. I read an article where it said people are dumbfounded when they get genital herpes from a cold sore. 

Again, what if she knew her oral cold sores were herpes and can be transmitted to the genitals. She honestly didn’t know which sucks. She told me afterwards that she’s had them All her life as a kid. I told her she should have been aware of her condition and how did not one single person tell her that’s herpes. “What if” someone told her, she would have been more cautious. 

But what if’s drive me crazy. 

I try to keep faith but it is hard

[No More Tears D]

@Joe Joe I am feeling the same way you are... hugs to you. 

[Joe Joe]

2 minutes ago, No More Tears D said:

@Lovenhope my heart truly goes out to you. No one should ever go through what you did and I am so happy that you're safe. Having support, especially from those you love is more than important. It may not mean much, but I'm here for you too. I have questioned my spirituality through out this entire process. The thoughts "why me?" "what did I do to deserve this?" are among the many. I am not saying i'm a perfect person, but I know my heart, and I always wondered why bad things happen to good people.

I ask God those same exact questions. Bad things do happen to good people. 

[No More Tears D]

@100918 I absolutely love reading success stories. It gives me hope. I am so happy for you! How did you disclose? Were you scared? I feel like I'm at a loss. Long story short, I've had inconclusive answers from multiple physicians. I haven't retested as advised by my doctor because I've never had a physical symptom... I broke up with my ex last year, and have finally met someone who I really really like. But I can't help but have this anxiety hanging over my head. 

[No More Tears D]

@hope27 I hope you're doing okay today. My thoughts are with you ❤️

[No More Tears D]

@Joe Joe I hope you're doing alright today. 

[hope27]

@No More Tears D 

Thanks for asking. Well trying to do okay as that's the only thing I can do right now. Nothing else is in my hand. Every morning when I wake up I am full of depression. But then as the day passes by and I get engaged in my work I start feeling better. I am trying to keep myself occupied in work so that I can forget this. But then who can escape reality.