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Outbreaks -> sexual incompatibility -> breakup?


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Hi, 

I have had H for over 2 years now, and I have dated my boyfriend for circa 1.5 years. He sadly contracted it from me. 

However, his hormones don’t go crazy every once in a month, and he’s an amateur bodybuilder which totally boosts his immune system and how fast his skin repairs itself in case of any wound or cold sores. So he almost never gets outbreakes and when he does they clear up in like a day. 

This is not the case by me. Even though I am on several supplements and suppressive therapy. My period always gives me an outbreak. So does sex if it’s any longer than like 5-10 minutes and any rougher than in PG rated romantic movies. (Also I’m dealing with the stress of having given the virus to him, I have posttraumatic flashbacks of the night he caught it, it probably contributes to my outbreaks.) And when I have any symptoms I of course try to stay away from sex. 

So basically we can only have sex every once in a while, and it will likely give me an outbreak and force me to wait another week or so. Or we use the thickest condoms out there (so it doesn’t break and he’s not exposed to more of the active virus) and lots of antiseptic lube to minimize irritation. But most of the sensation is lost that way. 

I actually don’t mind doing oral, I don’t hate blowjobs. But it’s not the same as full body contact and intercourse. For neither of us.

Oh and let’s not forget something... romantic relationships and sexual attraction have evolved to ensure that our species doesn’t die out. So me always being “sick” is a huge turnoff because it waves the red flag in my man’s subconscious and says “she could never be strong enough to produce healthy offspring, and caring for her would take you so much time and energy, don’t even bother”... 

 

I’m seriously considering ending the relationship for good. 

 

I’m a cripple. I look like a healthy person, I’m fit, young, tall, in all honesty f***ing sexy, and I can’t even be banged without the risk of causing the both of us uncomfortable health issues. It’s like I’m a trap. I hate this. 

He’s also young. He deserves good sex as often as he likes. Even if he’s now damned with having to disclose. A lot of women are H+ so he might just find someone who is stronger than me and gets no OBs and is up for ditching the condom for whatever reason. 

I would be healthier and more confident too. I wouldn’t feel so guilty all the time. I would just pop a movie on and get the “battery operated boyfriend” out every once in a while and that’s it. And I would get less outbreaks too. 

The ONLY SINGLE PROBLEM IS: I love him. And he is very attached and attracted to me too. 

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Really feel for you. It will be devastating to have to end your relationship because of something you have no control of but can understand why you feel the way you do as I feel like a risk everytime by bf has sex with me and I would be devastated if he caught it. 

I am on suppressive therapy and its a god send,I do not get any outbreaks even with being on the pill and having lots of intimacy but before I went on it at the beginning the two outbreaks I did have one after the other the pain was unbearable. 

If I was you I would book an appointment to speak with the doctor or even better a health advisor at the sexual health clinic and maybe they could put you on a stronger dose of suppressive therapy but also easy said then done but if you are really stressing about passing it to him then like you said it isn't helping. For your sake you need to be kinder to yourself and know it wasn't your fault and especially as it doesn't seem to bother him when he gets outbreaks then that should make it easier.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I've had H for over two years too. My ex-boyfriend gave it to me unknowingly, I think. The first few months of my new life I was on suppressive therapy that wasn't helping. Like you, I was getting OBs with every period. I changed my prescription to acyclovir and it's been amazing. No OBs in over a year and a half! With regards to your boyfriend, please forgive yourself. You took every precaution and life happened. I haven't been in your shoes in that aspect, but maybe some counseling could help you work through what you're feeling. Remember this: you're not dirty, gross, or less of a woman than before you got H. It sounds like your boyfriend thinks you're pretty amazing, you should too. ❤

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