My herpes story and my confused soul

[madlyinlovewithher]

Hi everyone, I'm new here, been looking for support place and finally found this one! So let me start with saying thank you. And here is my story....

 

1993, my not so bright brain decided to skip school with a couple of girlfriends and head to the mall. As we strolled thru being typical defiant teens we me a group of 3 guys and of course flirted our butts off trying to be cool. Next came go out to car and smoke a joint with them...my gut said no..but I followed my friends to guys car. Next thing 3 stoned teens with 3 stoned guys loaded up to go to one of their houses (lord I was so dumb) after getting there and more pot smoking and a few beers...everything changed.. long story short these guys took advantage of us and took turns holding us and raping us. Finally they were done and dropped us to bus station and gone forever. A hospital visit 35 stitches where, previously to my poor choice to skip school and leave with strangers, had been untouched and pure.

 

Zoom almost 2 weeks later.. serious issues for at "15 year old virgin" down below...another doctor's visit someone down there again I don't want...only to hear him say to my already mortified mother "she has herpes"...so..yea I'm sure u got the gist of it...zoom forward 5 years, counseling to assist my shattered self helped a lot, yet still hid a lot from world. In my heart I knew I was gay, only to marry a man...avoid him, divorce 8 years later..trying to find ways to say hey family I'm a lesbian... to only not be able to do so.. and in 2009 I lost my mom in january and my father that april.

 

Life changed a lot. I moved home took over parents home, went back to old job, and bam I met this amazing woman...that rocked me to my core. I mustered up my courage almost immediately to tell her of my silent herpes (oops left this out been and meds for it since 15, and never had anymore ob since 1st) she took it well....and still wanted me! I felt amazing. I'm out...amazing woman, and she was ok with my misfortune! Zip forward to now...almost 4 years later...words cannot come close to tell anyone how much I love this woman. We've had MANY ups n downs. She has bipolar, ptsd, and survivor of years of child sexual abuse. She has an amazing counselor that had helped her and still does with her past, and I've always been supportive. We have some issues in the bedroom now the for the last couple of years. Its her lack of desire for it, and my not wanting to push.

 

A few months back she admitted to me the herpes scares her now ...why now? She doesn't have it...I've always been careful. We go months without sex...finally last night after me telling her that morning how badly I wanted to make love to her...we did, ..it had been 9 months since I "gave" orally and received. We had made love in between without oral (b4 I knew of her new feelings of me) well..anyway to the point of my confusion...she was touching me and asked if I wanted oral (obviously different wordings) my brain goes right to her words months before of fear..so I said "if you want to...but u don't have to" well she didn't...slowly tears are rolling down my cheek..as I write them back..trying to " enjoy" the moment she was willing to give me and ya...didn't happen.

 

I feel like all of a sudden she's disgusted by my "down there " ..I'm so confused.. I know I need to talk to her, but..its like what do I say...I love her so much and I know she loves me...and trust me I get the "fear" she has...but I guess I don't know after almost 4 years we were way beyond this...and I feel dirty again...honestly any advice on what to do or say?

[mr_hopp]

Hi madlyinlovewithher!

 

Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story. I'm sorry that your experience at such a young age with guys led to them treating you that way. My heart goes out to your 15-year-old self. Big hug to you.

 

What needs to be cleared up with your girlfriend is where the fear is coming from. Some people can use herpes as something to blame for fear of intimacy and closeness, while at other times it simply is just a fear of getting herpes itself. If it's just a fear she has of getting herpes, then let her know that there is actually such a miniscule chance of passing genital HSV-2 to the mouth (less than 1%) that most doctors say it's not even something that should be worried about in the slightest. Oral HSV-1 can be passed to the genitals, but genital HSV-2 can't be passed to the mouth. In fact, one of the leading herpes researchers/doctors in America came to our local support group to answer questions and he said that people with genital HSV-2 don't have to worry at all about passing it to their partner via oral sex, so there's no reason to hold back from that at all!

 

Here's a link to Dr. Leone's full talk with us and the question/answer session that followed:

http://herpeslife.com/doctor-answers-questions-about-genital-herpes-hsv-and-hpv

 

... and here are a few other blog articles that can help educate you and her on the basics:

http://herpeslife.com/spreading-genital-herpes-hsv2-from-oral-sex

http://herpeslife.com/hsv-1-hsv-2-types-of-herpes/

http://herpeslife.com/rates-of-herpes-transmission/

 

... and here are the handouts with all the facts and figures you'll need:

http://bit.ly/h-opp-diagnosis-handout

http://bit.ly/h-opp-disclosure-handout

 

So with all that said, if it's the surface level fear of simply contracting the virus itself, it's very easy to keep her very safe and keep the chances of her getting herpes very, very small. If it's a deeper fear, then you two can talk about that and use this as an opportunity to connect on a deeper level or realize this isn't the relationship for you. Either way, you're talking about something that is important: Your relationship and your connection with each other.

[madlyinlovewithher]

Thank you, I appreciate it! I will have to go back and have the "disclosure " convo again...was just super hard first time. I do struggle with this topic, with obvious prejudgement people have to begin with...and the fact that...well its a constant reminder of my 15 yr old time.

[mr_hopp]

Read the e-book about disclosure — http://eepurl.com/b4IPP — and realize that it's not about focusing on the struggle around the topic of herpes specifically; it's that having herpes actually forces you beyond the surface of your skin to look at who you are. Focus on all of those things. Because I guarantee you one thing: You've got a whole lot more to offer someone than a skin rash. ;) Find all of those beautiful things about yourself and herpes will cease to be the sort of issue it seems to be now.

[madlyinlovewithher]

Honestly I thought I truly was past it...I know my worth is so much more, just hurt to the core that she now felt this way 4 yrs later...we did talk some today I sent her the links you gave me...she did say just fear of getting it...but never enough to make her leave she love me. Still hurts tho