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Letting go..


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Don't mean to always be the negative one in here, as there are so many people enjoying their life even with H. just curious how people let go of the anger. I've had this now since November and am continuously anxious and angry about life. I contracted it through a sexual assult so I get that plays a big part of this. I'm so angry at myself for even giving that person a chance, angry at science because how is it even possible there isn't a cure for this yet in this day in age, angry that this is the one thing holding me back from fully opening up and being with someone I really care about because I know he won't be able to see past it. He brings up being a germaphobe often. I'm in counseling because of this and because of suicidal thoughts all because this . Even though "it's not a big deal, it's a skin rash, there a worse things to deal with in life, there will be people who accept it". All of those things just make me even more upset and angry because none of that crap matters when the world is only focused on the stigma. "The stigma is worse than H itself"  sure,  but that stigma is what has made me have suicidal/negative life to for 6 months now. Don't know how to get my life back. 😞

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I did not contract H though a sexual assault, so I cannot even begin to imagine how you feel in that regard, but in terms of letting go (excuse the backstory, but it's important to how I am able to let go, so bear with me):

I was in a horrible marriage. I was with my ex for over 9 years. During the time after we got married, I learned things about him that were true before we ever got married but I never knew. Things that were an awful side of him. He is also my giver, I believe. He was emotionally abusive, although luckily for him, never physically. He was (and still is) a liar and a narcissist. By the time I left him, I was barely a shell of myself. I was angry, I was hurt, and I didn't know how to move on from that.

However, over time, I came to love myself more than ever before. I had to learn how to let go of the hurt that he caused me, and the lingering effects that his actions left me with. I came to the realization that even though I had a shit history, I am worthy of happiness. I am worthy of love. I am a good person and I have a lot of love to give to someone else. But the first step to being able to move on was getting right with myself. Rebuilding my life. Being completely independent. Knowing that I didn't need to rely on anyone else for my survival.

When I got to that point, I knew I was ready to move on. The hurt that I felt was replaced with empowerment and pride in myself. I was ready to date and find that one person that I could share that love with and get love in return. And then I went to my doctor for an STD panel so that I could let a potential future partner know that yes, I had been tested, and I was free of any/all STI/STDs. And then I got that news that the test for HSV2 came back positive. I had no idea. I had the wind knocked out of me.

I did allow myself a few days to feel sorry for myself and cry, but then I had to stop and remind myself that no matter what, I am still worthy of love. I am still worthy of happiness. I am still a good person and I still have a lot of love to give someone else. HSV does not change that about me in the least. If anything, knowing now that I am positive for HSV has made me even MORE selective about who I open myself up to, even more selective about who I date, even more selective about everything. And I am, in a way, thankful for the diagnosis because it forced me to slow down. And I found myself an amazing man who I care for very much who, when I disclosed, made it abundantly care that it is a non-issue for him, and he loves me for who I am. 

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You WILL get through this. I suggest that you slow down, take the time to get right with yourself, allow yourself time to grieve what happened to you, allow yourself to be angry...you have EVERY right to be angry about what happened to you. But, please...don't let what happened to you Define you. You are NOT defined by the sexual assault. You are NOT defined by a diagnosis of HSV. You are NOT at fault. But you need time to hear this, see it, speak it, and believe it. Take the time to heal. 

 

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You are on the right track if you are getting counseling. It sounds as though you may have some PTSD from being sexually assaulted as well. I personally did not contract the virus from assault, but was already struggling with PTSD and borderline personality disorder from so much abuse in my past. This has sent me into a brand new shame spiral and I am looking into getting help myself. I'm glad I came across these forums because it made me realize so many people have felt the exact same thing and got past it.

It's important to understand that healing is a very long process. You aren't going to wake up one day and just magically feel better. You have to give yourself time. It's ok to be negative some days, don't beat yourself up so much.

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On 4/21/2019 at 11:33 AM, Lovenhope said:

Don't mean to always be the negative one in here, as there are so many people enjoying their life even with H. just curious how people let go of the anger. I've had this now since November and am continuously anxious and angry about life. I contracted it through a sexual assult so I get that plays a big part of this. I'm so angry at myself for even giving that person a chance, angry at science because how is it even possible there isn't a cure for this yet in this day in age, angry that this is the one thing holding me back from fully opening up and being with someone I really care about because I know he won't be able to see past it. He brings up being a germaphobe often. I'm in counseling because of this and because of suicidal thoughts all because this . Even though "it's not a big deal, it's a skin rash, there a worse things to deal with in life, there will be people who accept it". All of those things just make me even more upset and angry because none of that crap matters when the world is only focused on the stigma. "The stigma is worse than H itself"  sure,  but that stigma is what has made me have suicidal/negative life to for 6 months now. Don't know how to get my life back. 😞

I have had it for a year now, and still find myself being a pessimist scared of life and love because of it. I too contracted it in an awful way. I was drunk taken advantage of, and the guy didn’t use a condom or tell me anything before or after... barley remember the night. I find myself scared to even open up to ppl bc I don’t want to fall for them and then not know how to get past this part of me so I’ve kept to myself a lot besides causal hook ups. I started abusing a lot of drugs after the fact and am still trying to get off Xanax for my panic and anxiety due to this. My first step is def getting my life together physically, and hopefully mentally, but once I do that, I still don’t see my depression over this going away. I’ve always sucked at dating and am a very pretty girl, just always been scared of getting close and now it’s even worse. I feel like I’m going to just die alone with only a career to hold to my name. I’m reading a lot about ppl being more selective and I can’t tell if I’m doing that, or honestly just pushing everyone away in general because I’m scared to death. I’ve been in and out of counseling since and should prob go back but it’s better to hear from ppl in the same shit. I’m now 22, about to graduate, and idk where life is gonna take me. I just hope I learn this self love and get healthy like others say and make the best of the situation I can at some point. I find it so hard to believe that guys are completely 100% accepting but maybe they are, just not the ones I’ve found? Please message me to talk. I’ve been in and out of depression over this a lot and have done so much researching it makes me crazy. Maybe we can find a common ground as to the reality of this shit and move on together 

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Sorry to hear what you've gone through.

I have had hsv2 for a year now, although suppressive therapy lets me live my life to near as normal as I can except taking two tablets everyday for the rest of my life till they find a cure, I can never go a day without thinking of what I have.

I got given it by a guy who was having symptoms but wasn't honest with me and pressured me into him not wearing a condom, I never saw him again, he didn't care for me and now I have to live with this for the rest of my life.

The worst thing for me about having herpes is the fact that for the rest of your life you suffer with outbreaks so it is a constant reminder and that theres a risk of passing it to someone and putting their life through hell and having to live with yourself even though you disclosed and they were made aware it still wouldn't make me feel better.

If it was like chicken pox where your not bothered by it but it remains in your system then I can live with that but its not,its regular outbreaks. I read that people who have had it for 20 plus years still get outbreaks so to me this antibody stuff is a load of crap if your body still can't fight an outbreak coming on when you have had it for that long.

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