They say life goes on ...

[Theysaylifegoeson]

After 5 years of not letting a man get passed my walls I decided it was time. I met a good guy and over a few weeks things progressed as they do. 2 days after we were intimate I started feeling what I thought was a yeast infection. 2 days after that my first blister formed. I have since been to a doctor and found out that I have genital herpes. I immediately talked to the guy thinking he had hidden his condition from me, which was especially hard as prior to being intimate he assured me over and over again that he was recently checked and everything was good to go. As it turns out, he was telling me the truth. He had been swabbed and tested negative. However, upon learning what happened to me he ran to his doctor for a blood test and found that he is an asymptomatic carrier. Years of being cautious and carefully picking who came into my life was ruined over 1 night. Me and this guy aren't exactly in a relationship and though we are still talking hearing his apologies over and over again almost makes it worse. The fact that he had no idea what would happen doesn't change what did happened. Now I feel tainted, like any hope at a normal healthy relationship has died all for 1 night. I keep saying to myself that life goes on...but does it? How could I ever expect someone to learn this about me and not immediately run for the hills. It feels like my dreams of sitting on a porch with my future husband watching our children play in the yard was blown to pieces. On top of this I am in the worst physical pain I have ever felt in my life, yet I am not sure which hurts worse, my body or my mind. I can't talk to any of my close friends for fear that it will get around and I can't handle the idea of being spoken about behind my back. I've read all the stats, I realize how common this is and yet I can't stop myself from feeling like I am tainted. Like I need to close up shop and lock the doors to the world. What do you do to get by? How do you convince yourself that any chance at a normal healthy loving relationship isn't dead in the water? How do you convince yourself that life does in fact go on?

[No More Tears D]

I’m feeling the exact way you are and wondering the exact same thing. Haven’t cried for so long or felt this empty in my entire life. I’m here for you. 

[Lovenhope]

I feel the exact same way. Had a complete melt down and am so angry at so many things. I think I'm most angry at the fact that there isn't a cure yet. I get it it's "difficult" and tricky to figure out. But bottom line is there's not much funding cuz most people, who don't have it, believe it's a big deal. I still remember my doctor telling me "I'm not sure why you're so upset. This won't change hour life. You can still get married and have kids  You're upset like you lost a family member." And my response was . I did lose someone... I feel like I just lost myself. I don't know if I'll ever have my happiness back until it's gone. To be honest without my counselor and this forum I'd probably be dead right now. It's so frustrating that this diagnosis causes such psychological pain. I'm right there with the both of you. I hope we can lean on each other through this. 

[xKATIEx]

I felt exactly like this when i found out and my story is similar to the OP. I didn't want to tell anyone but i told my best friend.  She assured me that if someone really cares about me, this virus won't matter.  It's only a virus and it doesn't change who you are.  It took me some time to realize that myself. Its ok to cry and be upset, and it will get better. 

[No More Tears D]

1 hour ago, Lovenhope said:

I still remember my doctor telling me "I'm not sure why you're so upset. This won't change hour life. You can still get married and have kids  You're upset like you lost a family member." And my response was . I did lose someone... I feel like I just lost myself.

This resinates with me more than ever. I can't even look at myself the same way. I look in the mirror and just start crying. How could I have been so stupid? So naive? The emotional and mental pain is by far the worst part of all this. I don't know how I'll ever go back to feeling normal 😥

[Theysaylifegoeson]

No more tears: I have cried so much in the past week that I think I am officially cried out. I am now numb. But I guess maybe that is progress in some form. I appreciate your support and I am here for you too. Any time you need an ear, I got you.

 

Lovenhope: Yes! How is it possible that something that is so common doesn't have a cure?! This makes me more angry than being positive. It's like we have been left alone to suffer in silence and that is beyond infuriating. I am so sorry your doctor reacted that way. How heartless. I am lucky, my doctor is someone I have seen since I lost my virginity as a teenager. She has seen me through many ups and downs and when she told me my diagnosis she hugged me and cried with me. She has even called me twice since then to make sure I am okay, so has her nurse. I had no idea how lucky I was to have such a compassionate response and I am so sorry you did not have this experience. You are exactly right, it feels like we lost ourselves. Like everything we thought about ourselves died when that test was complete. You can absolutely lean on me, any time you need someone don't hesitate to reach out.

 

To everyone: Thank you so much for the kind responses. It helps so much to not feel alone in this. I am so thankful groups like this exist so we don't have to suffer in complete silence. I am here for each and every one of you.

[Fmals]

Same same same 😔 

[My_dog_is_hungry]

It gets better guys.

You are not tainted.

You are not the virus.

You're still beautiful, worthy you.

[Michgirl73]

I feel the same way 10 months in and I still have a hard time dealing with this disease. I just wish it never happened and wished I felt normal but I know my anxiety and stress isn’t allowing me to feel normal because it’s just been devastating to me! I’m scared to death to date and tell someone I have this virus. I just wished I didn’t feel so empty inside and wished I could see the light at the end of this tunnel. I just want a normal life and don’t want to be alone forever! 😢

[tiredandlonely]

You convince yourself that life does actually go on by living your life and letting it go on!

It does get better. Life goes on. You'll still be able to have a normal sex life. You can still have kids. You have acquired a skin disease and an obligation to have some awkward/difficult conversations with potential sex partners, but that is all. This does not change you or your future unless you let it. Don't let it.

I was diagnosed 5 years ago. I was 28 years old. It was after 2 years of abstinence and I was dating a guy I wasn't even serious about (he was the person who gave it to me; I know because I had a negative IgG test right after my first outbreak, and I was positive 6 weeks later). 

I too had decided to open myself up again after years of walling myself off from dating/relationships. It felt like a punishment. 

But it wasn't. It's just life. I was unlucky, but we're all unlucky eventually. Everyone has their burdens - this is just one of ours. You have to take care of yourself and keep moving forward. 

For me, I really struggled to move on because I had nonstop symptoms for several months: pain, swelling, itching, burning constantly. But I had no blisters. I was swabbed over and over again and was negative for yeast and bacteria. I even had a biopsy. It was MISERABLE. Then I switched doctors, my doctor said, "even if it's coming back negative for bacteria, it could just be a strain they aren't testing for" and she gave me metronidazole gel and I was better in a week. 

I still had herpes, of course, but it wasn't the source of my symptoms past my initial outbreak. 

My new doctor also put me on valtrex daily as suppressive therapy to prevent future outbreaks, which I really needed at the time because I was constantly bothered by anxiety over having outbreaks. 

Clearing up my BV symptoms and getting on valtrex made it easier for me to move forward with my life mentally. I ended up dating someone new about 4-5 months after my diagnosis. We hit it off, but he made some jokes about STDs that made me really terrified to disclose to him. I ended up really liking him so I did anyway, and he was okay with it. We had a lot of sex, dated for 3 more months, and then broke up because he "wasn't ready for a real relationship" (which *sigh* was a reason for so many of my pre-herpes break ups, too). 

I was crushed. More crushed than I had been by previous break ups because having that herpes discussion forces you to be vulnerable and I realized I hadn't been vulnerable with a guy I was dating since probably my first boyfriend in college (he did a number on me). 

And I also realized that I WANTED to be vulnerable. That is the only way to have real connection. I was crushed by things not working out with this guy because it was the first real connection I'd made with a guy in like a decade. 

I met my husband a few months later. I was again terrified to disclose, but I did and he was again fine with it. We've had ups and downs in our relationship, but none of them have been related to herpes. Our sex life is totally unencumbered by herpes - there hasn't been anything I used to do pre-herpes that I can't do now (including oral sex). 

I do think you should tell someone close to you about this. Whether a friend, family member, or therapist. I told my sisters because I couldn't go through it alone. They were super supportive, but also called me on my shit when I started feeling too sorry for myself (crying that I'd never find a guy, I'd never be happy, my life was over, etc). I think talking about it normalizes it and helps remind you that it's not the end of the world.

[100918]

It really does get better, and life does go on. 

I was diagnosed in October. Found out that I have been positive without symptoms for at least 10 years (had not been in a relationship or had sex in that long, so I'm certain). I was devastated, thinking that my ex managed to really ruin everything for me, just when I had felt like my life was finally back together. I was afraid I would never find anyone who would love me and accept me with HSV2.

And then in January, I met an amazing man who accepted me with no hesitation. I was still terrified to disclose, but once I did, his reaction really made me see that it's not a big deal. He was seriously like, "That's nothing". We've been together for just over 3 months and I don't see our relationship ending because we are so compatible. HSV has seriously been a non-issue for us and our sex life is great. Like tiredandlonely said, totally unencumbered by it.

You will be fine. I think the biggest hurdle is for us to get over the stigma that we think everyone else believes about it. You are so much more than a diagnosis.

[Michgirl73]

I’m glad all u ladies are finding these wonderful men, unfortunately I can’t even hardly get a date and someone that is serious about perusing something.. I just way more guarded now then every before. I just don’t see how it’s ever gna workout for me in a relationship. It’s kind of sad when I think about it but I’m so scared.. I have been screwed over to many times my poor heart can hardly handle anymore trauma. 

[100918]

1 minute ago, Michgirl73 said:

I’m glad all u ladies are finding these wonderful men, unfortunately I can’t even hardly get a date and someone that is serious about perusing something.. I just way more guarded now then every before. I just don’t see how it’s ever gna workout for me in a relationship. It’s kind of sad when I think about it but I’m so scared.. I have been screwed over to many times my poor heart can hardly handle anymore trauma. 

I took 9 years off from dating. Left my ex, and didn't start dating for 9 years. I took that time to work on me and learn to love myself and get my shit together...essentially, I needed to recover from that relationship. Once I did that, it became a lot easier to weed through the potential men to find someone who was what I had come to believe I deserved. 

If I had tried dating earlier, I'm certain I would have ended up with people who weren't serious, who were just looking for hookups, people who were too similar to my ex.

Taking time to get right with yourself is not a bad thing, no matter what prompts it. If you don't feel ready, then you're not ready. Having that fear and being so guarded, I would actually recommend you take some time to be by yourself and work on you. Doing that was the best thing I could have done for myself.

[tiredandlonely]

58 minutes ago, Michgirl73 said:

I’m glad all u ladies are finding these wonderful men, unfortunately I can’t even hardly get a date and someone that is serious about perusing something.. I just way more guarded now then every before. I just don’t see how it’s ever gna workout for me in a relationship. It’s kind of sad when I think about it but I’m so scared.. I have been screwed over to many times my poor heart can hardly handle anymore trauma. 

 

The first guy I disclosed to (mentioned earlier) was really great about my disclosure and herpes did not affect our relationship. But he wasn't a "wonderful guy" - he ended up being a jerk, like many of the jerks I had dated before. 

The point of my earlier post was that you do not need to be afraid of this virus. People will still accept you. And it is still possible to find love. It's not easy, but it wasn't easy before herpes. 

I agree with 100918. You have to work on yourself, really love yourself, and figure out what you want from a relationship and from life in general. 

Also, I was very scared of winding up alone, too. But then I decided that ending up single (if that's what happened) does not mean I'm ending up alone. I have a great family, great friends, and pets that bring me so much joy. I have hobbies that I enjoy and a career that I find fulfilling and rewarding. 

These are the things that are important to me, and when I started focusing on the things I loved and cultivating a life that I could be happy with, regardless of whether I shared it with one significant person or with my many friends and family, I realized how much I had to offer. 

And after I did all this work, my first attempt at letting someone in failed, because it's not a perfect system and guys can be really sweet and wonderful in the beginning and then turn into jerks when they lose interest/stop caring. I thought that because he accepted me with herpes he was this amazing person, but he was still just a guy who wanted a fling. 

It hurt so much, I really didn't want to put myself out there again, so I do understand the feeling of defeat and hopelessness. Dating is so hard, emotionally draining, and often times doesn't seem worth it.

I think that focusing on yourself and what you need/want in life is important. But I also think putting yourself out there and dating is a good thing if it's what you want to do.

If you do date, try to forget about herpes in the beginning. Make up your mind that you're not going to sleep with anyone for a month, 6 weeks, etc. and then just put the herpes discussion out of your mind. Be yourself and get to know people and let them see the real you. If you start to get close to someone and feel that you really like and trust them, then you start to think about disclosing.

[Michgirl73]

Thank u!! I really do try but get discouraged because I do have a lot to offer the right person but keep meeting the wrong ones! 

[Michgirl73]

On 5/5/2019 at 9:45 PM, tiredandlonely said:

 

The first guy I disclosed to (mentioned earlier) was really great about my disclosure and herpes did not affect our relationship. But he wasn't a "wonderful guy" - he ended up being a jerk, like many of the jerks I had dated before. 

The point of my earlier post was that you do not need to be afraid of this virus. People will still accept you. And it is still possible to find love. It's not easy, but it wasn't easy before herpes. 

I agree with 100918. You have to work on yourself, really love yourself, and figure out what you want from a relationship and from life in general. 

Also, I was very scared of winding up alone, too. But then I decided that ending up single (if that's what happened) does not mean I'm ending up alone. I have a great family, great friends, and pets that bring me so much joy. I have hobbies that I enjoy and a career that I find fulfilling and rewarding. 

These are the things that are important to me, and when I started focusing on the things I loved and cultivating a life that I could be happy with, regardless of whether I shared it with one significant person or with my many friends and family, I realized how much I had to offer. 

And after I did all this work, my first attempt at letting someone in failed, because it's not a perfect system and guys can be really sweet and wonderful in the beginning and then turn into jerks when they lose interest/stop caring. I thought that because he accepted me with herpes he was this amazing person, but he was still just a guy who wanted a fling. 

It hurt so much, I really didn't want to put myself out there again, so I do understand the feeling of defeat and hopelessness. Dating is so hard, emotionally draining, and often times doesn't seem worth it.

I think that focusing on yourself and what you need/want in life is important. But I also think putting yourself out there and dating is a good thing if it's what you want to do.

If you do date, try to forget about herpes in the beginning. Make up your mind that you're not going to sleep with anyone for a month, 6 weeks, etc. and then just put the herpes discussion out of your mind. Be yourself and get to know people and let them see the real you. If you start to get close to someone and feel that you really like and trust them, then you start to think about disclosing.

Can I ask you how you disclose? Is there a way to say it ? I just don’t want to get emotional about it because it has caused me so many issues with acceptance myself. 

[Misstery2019]

Hey all. I just wanted to share my opinion. 

 

I was diagnosed 2 months ago and up until now I was completely devastated. Like many, not scared of the effects of the virus itself but the stigma and impact it would have on future relationships. 

 

What has helped me is opening up to close friends. I’ve disclosed to 6 friends and had no negative responses- 1 even disclosed they have hsv2 and 3 said they have cold sores on the mouth. 

 

What also has helped is reading as much as possible - knowledge IS power. Now I feel like I am prepared to make a disclosure if it came to it. This has made me feel much better prepared. Read the blogs and watch the videos on this site. Read up on Ella Dawson. The herpes association foundation UK is also a great information source. 

 

I know now this is such a shit situation and I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t on my mind every day but who is going to accept us if we don’t accept ourselves first? 

 

I went on on a date this week and the guy was so nervous and I had a sixth sense he was hiding something... he said at the end of the date “I need to be straight up with you.... I have a child... is that ok”.., he was shocked to find out I was cool with it as he has been rejected by a few women before me following the disclosure. This reinforced to me that everyone have things about them that make them feel vulnerable and may lead to rejection... it’s not just us!! And I didn’t reject him...

 

i hope this makes someone feel better. Lots of love and hugs to you all... we can get through this TOGETHER. We are NOT alone. 

[tiredandlonely]

On 5/25/2019 at 10:19 AM, Michgirl73 said:

Can I ask you how you disclose? Is there a way to say it ? I just don’t want to get emotional about it because it has caused me so many issues with acceptance myself. 

With both the first guy I told and my husband, I waited a couple of weeks (I think 4-5 dates) to have the conversation. I know some people prefer to have the conversation sooner, but I felt more comfortable telling them after they had a chance to get to know me and like me and trust me. I also wanted to know them better before sharing this information with them. 

Neither of them felt like I waited too long or like I lead them on, in case that is a concern. I told them both up front that I needed to move slowly. 

I told the first guy in a letter. I gave it to him and then left him alone to read it. It was only a few months after I had been diagnosed and I really didn't know what I was doing. The guy who had given herpes to me treated me badly and I knew I would get emotional if I tried to talk to the new guy about it. 

I explained this in the letter and also told him that the herpes itself didn't cause major issues and wasn't a big deal for me, but that I was embarrassed to tell him because of the stigma. I also explained the transmission rates and his risk.

After he read the letter, we sat and talked about it for a little while. He asked me what it meant for us sexually, and I said, "well, it really is whatever you want it to be." and he said, "So, when can we have sex?" and I told him whenever he felt ready (we had very good chemistry and things had been escalating towards sex for at least a week or two) and he said, "so, like, now?" and I said, "sure" and then we went back to my apartment and had sex twice 😂

I told my husband a little differently, but I still had the letter as a back up in case I got emotional. I did cry a little, but it went well. I just said, "Earlier this year, when I was dating XX [he already knew about the guy], I found out that I had acquired HSV-2 from him. It was a really difficult thing to find out, but I have learned to deal with it and it hasn't caused me any issues since I got diagnosed and started taking medication." Then I just explained the risks and what we could do to protect him if we decided to have sex. 

I think I did warn him before I started that I might get a little emotional because the experience (of catching it and finding out my boyfriend was cheating on me) was difficult for me to talk about. 

I gave him the printouts I had with all of the statistics and information on it, and then I left him alone in the living room to process it (I went to my bedroom). I told him he could think about it and take as much time as he needed and that there was no pressure. 

About 20 minutes later, I was pretty sure he had left my apartment and would text me later to end things, but he came into the room and said he didn't care about it at all and he wasn't worried about getting it from me. He said he took so long to come into the bedroom because it was obviously important to me that he read all of the information I had given him, so he read it carefully, twice. He said he knew as soon as I told him that he wasn't going to have a problem with it. 

I think practicing what you're going to say helps (and even writing it down). I think it's important to convey that the herpes itself is not a big deal. It's a minor infection that causes an annoyance sometimes. The emotional component comes from the stigma surrounding it and often from the feeling of helplessness we have since we did not get to make an informed decision before we caught it.

I think showing some emotion and vulnerability is okay. Being vulnerable and sharing intimate information like this is HARD, so if your voice shakes/cracks or you shed a few tears, that's okay, as long as you can also be confident in expressing that you feel emotional because you are being vulnerable, and not because herpes is a big, awful deal that your partner should be afraid of. 

In the end, before disclosing/moving forward sexually, I think it's important to come to terms with having herpes in the first place. If you accept it and come to a good place mentally, then this will be much easier to convey to potential partners. 

I talked to a therapist for a while before I disclosed the first time and I found it really helpful. I feel like there was so much shame attached to herpes because it made me feel like a whore. But I have friends who are far more casual about sex than I am, and I have never seen that as shameful or bad. The shame comes from the diagnosis and from thinking there is something wrong with us for catching it. The fact is that it is a very common virus and we caught it because we are sexually active and we got a little unlucky one time. There is no further meaning attached to it unless you allow it to be.

[Michgirl73]

10 minutes ago, tiredandlonely said:

With both the first guy I told and my husband, I waited a couple of weeks (I think 4-5 dates) to have the conversation. I know some people prefer to have the conversation sooner, but I felt more comfortable telling them after they had a chance to get to know me and like me and trust me. I also wanted to know them better before sharing this information with them. 

Neither of them felt like I waited too long or like I lead them on, in case that is a concern. I told them both up front that I needed to move slowly. 

I told the first guy in a letter. I gave it to him and then left him alone to read it. It was only a few months after I had been diagnosed and I really didn't know what I was doing. The guy who had given herpes to me treated me badly and I knew I would get emotional if I tried to talk to the new guy about it. 

I explained this in the letter and also told him that the herpes itself didn't cause major issues and wasn't a big deal for me, but that I was embarrassed to tell him because of the stigma. I also explained the transmission rates and his risk.

After he read the letter, we sat and talked about it for a little while. He asked me what it meant for us sexually, and I said, "well, it really is whatever you want it to be." and he said, "So, when can we have sex?" and I told him whenever he felt ready (we had very good chemistry and things had been escalating towards sex for at least a week or two) and he said, "so, like, now?" and I said, "sure" and then we went back to my apartment and had sex twice 😂

I told my husband a little differently, but I still had the letter as a back up in case I got emotional. I did cry a little, but it went well. I just said, "Earlier this year, when I was dating XX [he already knew about the guy], I found out that I had acquired HSV-2 from him. It was a really difficult thing to find out, but I have learned to deal with it and it hasn't caused me any issues since I got diagnosed and started taking medication." Then I just explained the risks and what we could do to protect him if we decided to have sex. 

I think I did warn him before I started that I might get a little emotional because the experience (of catching it and finding out my boyfriend was cheating on me) was difficult for me to talk about. 

I gave him the printouts I had with all of the statistics and information on it, and then I left him alone in the living room to process it (I went to my bedroom). I told him he could think about it and take as much time as he needed and that there was no pressure. 

About 20 minutes later, I was pretty sure he had left my apartment and would text me later to end things, but he came into the room and said he didn't care about it at all and he wasn't worried about getting it from me. He said he took so long to come into the bedroom because it was obviously important to me that he read all of the information I had given him, so he read it carefully, twice. He said he knew as soon as I told him that he wasn't going to have a problem with it. 

I think practicing what you're going to say helps (and even writing it down). I think it's important to convey that the herpes itself is not a big deal. It's a minor infection that causes an annoyance sometimes. The emotional component comes from the stigma surrounding it and often from the feeling of helplessness we have since we did not get to make an informed decision before we caught it.

I think showing some emotion and vulnerability is okay. Being vulnerable and sharing intimate information like this is HARD, so if your voice shakes/cracks or you shed a few tears, that's okay, as long as you can also be confident in expressing that you feel emotional because you are being vulnerable, and not because herpes is a big, awful deal that your partner should be afraid of. 

In the end, before disclosing/moving forward sexually, I think it's important to come to terms with having herpes in the first place. If you accept it and come to a good place mentally, then this will be much easier to convey to potential partners. 

I talked to a therapist for a while before I disclosed the first time and I found it really helpful. I feel like there was so much shame attached to herpes because it made me feel like a whore. But I have friends who are far more casual about sex than I am, and I have never seen that as shameful or bad. The shame comes from the diagnosis and from thinking there is something wrong with us for catching it. The fact is that it is a very common virus and we caught it because we are sexually active and we got a little unlucky one time. There is no further meaning attached to it unless you allow it to be.

Thank you!! This really helps a lot. I do still struggle with it. I know it’s the stigma and most my friends and family are supportive. I just hope it works that way for me when I disclose. I’m scared but I know I have to disclose. I’m gna take your advice and get info and maybe write a letter.. I have been looking at post to get more feedback on how to say it in the way I need to.

[tiredandlonely]

@Michgirl73 Since you have HSV-1, definitely make sure you tell your partners that it is the exact same virus that causes cold sores. If they have ever had a cold sore, then their chances of catching this from you are extremely low because they already have antibodies to the virus (technically it's still possible for them to catch it, but it's uncommon, and if you take precautions you can really have a safe and normal sex life).

Everyone who dates is essentially at risk of HSV-1 (if they don't already have it) from kissing. So many people carry the virus and don't know about it. 

Also, your feelings are normal. Disclosing is scary. Rejection is scary. Disclosing to both of my partners caused me a lot of anxiety. If something happened to my husband and I ended up dating again, I would feel anxious about these discussions all over again, even though the virus has caused me virtually no issues for the past 5 years. So don't be too hard on yourself for feeling the way .you do. I think once you have a successful disclosure (and you will have one!), you'll start to feel better 🙂