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They say life goes on


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After 5 years of not letting a man get passed my walls I decided it was time. I met a good guy and over a few weeks things progressed as they do. 2 days after we were intimate I started feeling what I thought was a yeast infection. 2 days after that my first blister formed. I have since been to a doctor and found out that I have genital herpes. I immediately talked to the guy thinking he had hidden his condition from me, which was especially hard as prior to being intimate he assured me over and over again that he was recently checked and everything was good to go. As it turns out, he was telling me the truth. He had been swabbed and tested negative. However, upon learning what happened to me he ran to his doctor for a blood test and found that he is an asymptomatic carrier. Years of being cautious and carefully picking who came into my life was ruined over 1 night. Me and this guy aren't exactly in a relationship and though we are still talking hearing his apologies over and over again almost makes it worse. The fact that he had no idea what would happen doesn't change what did happened. Now I feel tainted, like any hope at a normal healthy relationship has died all for 1 night. I keep saying to myself that life goes on...but does it? How could I ever expect someone to learn this about me and not immediately run for the hills. It feels like my dreams of sitting on a porch with my future husband watching our children play in the yard was blown to pieces. On top of this I am in the worst physical pain I have ever felt in my life, yet I am not sure which hurts worse, my body or my mind. I can't talk to any of my close friends for fear that it will get around and I can't handle the idea of being spoken about behind my back. What do you do to get by? How do you convince yourself that any chance at a normal healthy loving relationship isn't dead in the water? How do you convince yourself that life does in fact go on? I realize my biggest obstacle will be my own mental acceptance of my new normal, but I would greatly appreciate any and all stories you may have to offer as to how you came to accept yourself and the new future you've had to carve out.

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Hey there. I know things seem pretty dismal right now, but I just wanted to let you know that you can, and will have the future of your dreams, no matter what that dream is, as long as you want it. Be it a husband and kids, a career, friends, whatever. Having herpes does not change that you’re you, it just means you’ve got hsv. You are not tainted, not in the slightest. 

This is what this place, this forum and everyone is here for. To transform these thoughts into a literal opportunity. Almost 5 years after a diagnosis of gHSV2 I honestly consider it a wild blessing. Being a female at first I was devastated and felt verbatim how you described. I thought I would never be intimate with anyone again. I started trying to come around to dying alone one day. But then I decided that hsv doesn’t define me. I happen to have hsv, I’m a person who has herpes. But I’m really just me. 

I used to have a lot of trouble with relationships, due to anxiety and guilt and shame. Having hsv gives you a ticket to the fast lane to be honest with a partner and with yourself. It gives a partner an early opportunity in a relationship to show their true colors. If they are judgemental, or shameful, then it’s a good thing that you know so that you can move on from them as they were not worth your time and dedication regardless. Disclosing gives you an excuse to really get to know someone before becoming intimate in today’s hookup society. It also gives you the power to decide when you want to disclose, how you want to disclose, where and how you want to react. Being able to choose how to share these intimate parts of yourself with someone else is scary. You might think it sucks because hsv is ugly. But life can be ugly. If a partner isn’t ok with being with you because you have hsv, that’s ok. But maybe they want to compromise and keep dating without intimacy to figure it all out. Maybe they are ok with intimacy with condoms. Maybe they’re ok with taking all the risks. Maybe they are mean and condescending. Maybe they are polite. You won’t know how you, or anyone else responds until you ask and start to heal yourself, and return this power to yourself. You are a whole person. You have hsv. These things are both true and ok and I’m no way are they wrong or shameful or make you tainted or unlovable. 

Here if you need anything. Good luck. 

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I have had this thing about 9 years now & it really is not that bigger thing!

I can understand that people that have really bad outbreaks are going to find it a big deal but for most of us,
the OB's get easier & almost stop happening.

What you are feeling right now is pretty normal but it will get so much easier.

When I contracted HSV, unlike many people, it did not depress me or get me down & my first disclosure went well.

In fact for me the worse thing about HSV is having to disclose & being rejected.
Rejection feels like shit & leaves you feeling cheated out of something!

But one thing I can promise you is:

you can still get married,

you can still have children,

in fact you can still do all the things you want to do.

The only thing that will hold you back is You!

 

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