Distraught

[Justscared]

I was diagnosed with Herpes when I was pregnant with my first daughter 25 years ago.  Not sure if I contracted it from my husband or not.  He passed away in 2018 so now I’m trying to get on with my life  I have been on daily suppressants since December.  Great success!  I did the unthinkable this weekend and had sex with someone but we used a condom.   My concern is that I haven’t had an outbreak since December but have been tanning and have a spot on my but like a rash but does not itch.  could I have an outbreak and not realize it and possibly spread it to my partner this weekend?  We weren’t entangled very long because he was having issues.  So We finished the infancy another way.   I know I should have disclosed it but knew the chance of me spreading it were slim.  I know it’s awful on my part and I’m dealing with that now.  I don’t know if I should go get the area tested  I would think taking preventives would work.  Help!  Do I tell him now?

[tiredandlonely]

I am so sorry for your loss of your husband.

Suppressive therapy does work very well, but it is not 100% (you can have breakthrough outbreaks) and even when you don't have an outbreak, there is a chance (though small) of spreading herpes. 

I got herpes from sex where we used a condom, so while they do reduce risk of transmission, they do not prevent it.

I feel pretty strongly that you should always disclose. Even when we do everything we can to reduce the risk of transmission, it will never be zero and I believe that everyone deserves the right to make their own informed decisions about the risks they are taking.

I know how freaking scary it is to disclose, so I do understand why you didn't. People make mistakes, and I don't think this is horrible, but hopefully you can figure out a script/way to disclose to future partners. If it helps, I have not been rejected when I've disclosed that I have herpes. 

Was the rash on your butt present when you had sex with him? If the rash was present (and it turns out to be herpes) then I think the risk of transmission was higher, but regardless, I do think you should tell him. He should get tested and protect future partners if he did contract it. 

I also think you should get the rash so you know in the future if you get something like this again, whether or not it's herpes.