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TaintedLove

Disclosing and accepting in the Black community

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So I am a Black women from the Midwest and I was diagnosed 2 years ago.  I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster ever since. My closets friends and family know about my condition. They all are very cool about it honestly, it’s nothing to them and I’m so happy for that. They love me unconditionally. I live in a small community and I’m scared to death to disclose it. A lot of guys  try to talk to me but I keep my distance. I’m so afraid that they won’t accept me and they will talk about me and tell everyone. My Ex gave this to me and he didn’t disclose it at all. It seems like people talk down on this more than HIV where I come from. Every one thinks that your nasty without knowing how you contracted the virus. I’m so lonely and depressed I don’t know what to do. Some days I think I’m going to honestly go insane because I know I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. And I’m only 38. I’m a nurse at a hospital and I work with a lot of women and everybody has someone in their life except for me. Some days I just cry and cry it hurt so bad.  My question really is do other races have trouble with acceptance and disclosing? Are Black men accepting of the virus? I’m not trying to make this a racial thing at all I swear I’m not I’m just wondering. Maybe it’s not my race just where I live IDK but it’s horrible. Some days I hate myself so much for what he did to me. I just want my life back and to be happy again . I’ve given up hope and I want to regain it again. 😢😢💔💔

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I don't know if it's specific to the black community, but I seem to recall others having the same concerns with disclosing and acceptance within the black community. 

That said, I think it is probably equally terrifying to disclose to anyone that we have an interest in, no matter their race/ethnicity. My first disclosure was to a Latino man and although he initially rejected me, he came around and decided he didn't care...and then I rejected him because in that time, I learned that he was a douchebag.

My second disclosure was to a caucasian man and he did not hesistate to accept me. We are still together.

Both disclosures were terrifying to me, and they both turned out exactly as they were supposed to. If that first man had accepted me and my disclosure right off the bat, I would have ended up making a huge mistake by being with him. I firmly believe that I am supposed to be with my boyfriend now, and I never would have met him if that other guy had accepted me.

It may very well be a small-town community mentality more so than a black community mentality. I would suggest you try to broaden your horizons to men who live in larger communities. Be selective in who you show your interest in, and take the time to ask yourself if the man you're considering disclosing to is worth your time and energy. I have found that my diagnosis has made me much more selective in who I date...a blessing in disguise, I suppose you could say.

Don't give up hope. You are still the same person you were before the diagnosis and you are still worthy of love and have love to give.

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On 5/2/2019 at 3:31 AM, TaintedLove said:

So I am a Black women from the Midwest and I was diagnosed 2 years ago.  I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster ever since. My closets friends and family know about my condition. They all are very cool about it honestly, it’s nothing to them and I’m so happy for that. They love me unconditionally. I live in a small community and I’m scared to death to disclose it. A lot of guys  try to talk to me but I keep my distance. I’m so afraid that they won’t accept me and they will talk about me and tell everyone. My Ex gave this to me and he didn’t disclose it at all. It seems like people talk down on this more than HIV where I come from. Every one thinks that your nasty without knowing how you contracted the virus. I’m so lonely and depressed I don’t know what to do. Some days I think I’m going to honestly go insane because I know I’ll be alone for the rest of my life. And I’m only 38. I’m a nurse at a hospital and I work with a lot of women and everybody has someone in their life except for me. Some days I just cry and cry it hurt so bad.  My question really is do other races have trouble with acceptance and disclosing? Are Black men accepting of the virus? I’m not trying to make this a racial thing at all I swear I’m not I’m just wondering. Maybe it’s not my race just where I live IDK but it’s horrible. Some days I hate myself so much for what he did to me. I just want my life back and to be happy again . I’ve given up hope and I want to regain it again. 😢😢💔💔

Hello. Your story is very similar to mine. I'm also a black woman and a nurse. I contracted HSV2 from my ex-boyfriend 12 years ago, who did disclose,  but after we had already had sex.  Only 3 people know about my diagnosis, my husband, my ex-boyfriend, and my OB-GYN.  I don't talk about having herpes with anyone. I went through a very rough time after my initial diagnosis. I hated myself, I hated my ex-boyfriend, i felt like i would be alone forever, who would want someone like me who has an STI that you can't get rid of.  When I told my now husband that I have Herpes, he was angry with my ex-boyfriend (he thought Herpes was the same as HIV), although both are incurable they're definitely not the same.   I have experienced the situations you are speaking of with all races.  Everyone associates having Herpes with being "nasty" or "sleeping around", when that isn't the case for majority of people living with herpes. There's just such a huge misconception regarding herpes and a lack of education.  

I know how you feel and what you're going through (I had to take anti-depressants for years after being diagnosed).   The right person will come along.

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I have the same fear. I was diagnosed with hsv2 about 3 weeks ago and I have been so out of it since then. The first week I was so many emotions then the second week I felt better. Then one little pimple looking bump shower up. Then all down hill from there. I’m a black Woman and it’s sad to say I honestly feel that the black community won’t accept it either. I personally have made a bad joke about herpes also not knowing it would one day affect me. I honestly don’t know how long I’ve had it or who I got it from. A lot of our community makes bad jokes and look at this as it’s similar to hiv even though it’s not. A lot of our community always say very negative things about hsv not knowing anything. I honest can’t imagine telling someone that I have this. I don’t have children and I’m only in my 32. But I feel I would much rather just be alone and not have children or another relationship than to disclose this to anyone. I have only told my mother and she made me feel so much better it was like I was suffering in silence u til I disclosed to her. She thinks it’s no big deal but to me it feels like the end of the world and no one will accept this. I can’t even accept it 

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@CestLaVie I’m happy that everything turned out good for you. I’m praying that I will meet someone one day and except me . I’m so lonely and depressed I don’t know to do. I’m keeping it together for the most part but it’s rough. 

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On 5/13/2019 at 10:16 PM, Dontknwwattodo said:

I have the same fear. I was diagnosed with hsv2 about 3 weeks ago and I have been so out of it since then. The first week I was so many emotions then the second week I felt better. Then one little pimple looking bump shower up. Then all down hill from there. I’m a black Woman and it’s sad to say I honestly feel that the black community won’t accept it either. I personally have made a bad joke about herpes also not knowing it would one day affect me. I honestly don’t know how long I’ve had it or who I got it from. A lot of our community makes bad jokes and look at this as it’s similar to hiv even though it’s not. A lot of our community always say very negative things about hsv not knowing anything. I honest can’t imagine telling someone that I have this. I don’t have children and I’m only in my 32. But I feel I would much rather just be alone and not have children or another relationship than to disclose this to anyone. I have only told my mother and she made me feel so much better it was like I was suffering in silence u til I disclosed to her. She thinks it’s no big deal but to me it feels like the end of the world and no one will accept this. I can’t even accept it 

I said the same... I'll be alone forever. 

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On 5/14/2019 at 1:11 AM, TaintedLove said:

@CestLaVie I’m happy that everything turned out good for you. I’m praying that I will meet someone one day and except me . I’m so lonely and depressed I don’t know to do. I’m keeping it together for the most part but it’s rough. 

I know it's rough, I've definitely been there.  You are worth more than your (our) disease. When I hear people stereotyping people with herpes, I always say "you do realize cold sores are caused by the herpes virus, right?", yet people with cold sores are never stereotyped like people with genital herpes.  It may help for you to start taking an antidepressant. When i was first diagnosed I was on Zoloft & Xanax, which helped tremendously! I've since gotten married and had another son. Sometimes I forget that I have herpes, I only have an outbreak maybe once per year.

Keep your head up, you are worth it!

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On 5/14/2019 at 1:11 AM, TaintedLove said:

@CestLaVie I’m happy that everything turned out good for you. I’m praying that I will meet someone one day and except me . I’m so lonely and depressed I don’t know to do. I’m keeping it together for the most part but it’s rough. 

I know it's rough, I've definitely been there.  You are worth more than your (our) disease. When I hear people stereotyping people with herpes, I always say "you do realize cold sores are caused by the herpes virus, right?", yet people with cold sores are never stereotyped like people with genital herpes.  It may help for you to start taking an antidepressant. When i was first diagnosed I was on Zoloft & Xanax, which helped tremendously! I've since gotten married and had another son. Sometimes I forget that I have herpes, I only have an outbreak maybe once per year.

Keep your head up, you are worth it! Also, I do believe there is a dating website specifically for people living with herpes to connect with one another.

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