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Scared... and remorsefull

Please Help disclosure question

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Hello I’ll start off by saying that I have HSV1 and was recently did a blood test verify it and during that blood test it came back as positive for that and the devastating news that I also had HSV2. I had had two blood tests to make sure. I am negative on my other std panel results and have always been diligent about it. I am also on daily suppressive therapy for about 1yr or longer, I can’t remember the exact date I started it. I have always done my best to not pass it on to anyone because that would kill me. I am not a bad person and would never want that on anyone. 

I was completely and utterly devastated... I cried and my anxiety and depression when I found out I had HSV2 also. But I have a mistake and I have no idea what to do and how to do it. I have always had a fear of disclosing.

With all that being said I have a huge mistake and error and it’s driving me insane.. It’s to a point where I feel like I should just end it... 

I recently had a sexual encounter with married couple, a man and a woman. We started talking from a bar and we all became friends and clicked form there. I was going to disclose it to them but at a party and drinks were flowing, one thing led to another and we had sex. 

I feel like a total fucking piece of garbage, because I put them at risk... Even though I did not have a outbreak at the time and no signs of one coming and take daily suppressive therapy. I take one daily pill of Valtrex. At the time no condom was used.... the thing that hurts is that I am building a amazing friendship with them and I feel like I have betrayed their trust and true start of a beautiful friendship.. I am so sorry about that... I have no idea what to do... I know I have to tell them.. I’m just scared too.. the rejection will kill me...  hopefully people here will understand... my intention was never to infect anyone.. 

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I don't have any super constructive advice bc I have never been in such a situation. but I think you need to tell them. You coooooould make it a little easier and say you just got that result back after you slept with them. Your telling them but also telling a small white lie. I mean it's a grey area. disclosing is important, they need to know. HOW they get that info is up to you and how you phrase it 

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You'll come to find the more and more that you disclose from a place of self-acceptance and confidence that just the talk itself is a lightning rod of connection, not a brick wall to it. Of course, I'm not saying that every time you disclose it'll be a big green light to sex, but regardless, when you disclose shamelessly, something deeper happens: Your integrity grows, and with that your confidence and how you take care of yourself, how you take care of your needs and how you take care of the others' health grows, too. Instead of feeling horrible on the other side of not disclosing, you can feel proud of yourself regardless of whether you are "rejected" or "accepted" (which is putting the power in others hands). You get to trust yourself to have the courage to do the right thing not just in disclosure, but in all areas of your life. You get to grow regardless of the outcome. 

In your scenario specifically, it's important to own up to fucking up. Not from a place of shame and self-judgment, but from a place of taking ownership and responsibility. It builds that neural pathway of doing the right thing in the future. It helps solidify your experience of yourself (your identity) as the kind of person who does what's right. And ironically, that is hella sexy, too, for the kind of people who also share the core values of honesty and integrity. After all, beneath all the glitz of sex and attraction is what's most important to feel connected, which is Trust. 

Here's a video that might help put this in a new perspective for you: Herpes disclosure as foreplay???


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