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Starting over after a breakup...how to cope?

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Hey guys! So the amazing, wonderful guy that accepted me and loved me for what I was despite H broke up with me on Sunday. His reasons had absolutely nothing to do with H...but it blindsided me and I'm honestly terrified about trying to date again. It's not just the heartbreak that's tearing me apart, but also the fact that I honestly don't know how I will find someone nearly as amazing as him that will see past this. I guess if someone sees past this they're already pretty cool as it is, but I can't imagine myself disclosing again anytime soon. I haven't even disclosed to my friends and family except for my old roomate and one close friend when I first diagnosed cause I was so rock bottom.


I'm trying to lift myself up and not think about H that much so I picked up an inspirational book called TinyBuddha....there was a chapter on love, and guess what? The author shared an experience she had with a man she started dating who had herpes and completely shamed him. She said that he'd told her that she was the only woman who hadn't hit him or yelled at him or told him he was disgusting since he started disclosing (which all seems greatly exaggerated unless he was sleeping with women before disclosing), she compared this "bombshell" as when another guy had told her he was a sex offender. She kept seeing but with the understanding that she would never have sex with him. She made a point that he had little chance of finding love because of his "disease." I was so outraged that I e-mailed the author and sent her several paragraphs of how much this had hurt me and statistics on how terrible it was the way she'd labeled him and talked about him since she'd probably, like most of the population, NOT been tested for herpes, so how would she know if she had it as a sexually active woman?


She returned my money and apologized right away...but it seriously was like a knife to the chest. This stigma is the most painful thing I've ever had to go through in my life besides having to cope after being raped. It's just a lot of hard emotions and I really really with I had someone to talk to going through the same thing but know no one. I'm looking into local support groups/social groups for people with H...I think having a boyfriend that genuinely cared more about me than H allowed me to forget about the condition and also made me more attached to him since he knew and he was the closest person to me. Now that's all taken away and I feel pretty alone, not just because I lost someone I loved so much but also because I lost the only person I was able to talk to about these things. I feel just as sad as I felt when I was first diagnosed and having the same feelings of "I'll never find someone who loves me..." what's worse is that now I'm thinking "I'll never find someone who loves me the way that he loved me..." and trust me, if he had more stability in his life right now we would still be together and I would 100% be under the impression that there is no one better out there for me. I would literally do anything to have him back but know that I need to respect his decision and that it would have been a difficult future since we were long distance at this point and we have a lot of cultural difference between our families.


Are there any recommendations you have after a break up? I'm really at a loss here, and though I can talk to my girlfriends and other friends about the breakup I feel like I can't talk to them about H....which still leaves a lot of pain in my heart. I'm not sure what to do...

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I understand losing the one person who you felt truly understood you and genuinely cared about you. I've gone through the same thing and I'm trying to be friends with her. Its so difficult because I just want things to be the way they were when we were together. Its hard talking to people about herpes because of the social stigmatism that is attached to the disease. Honestly, it hurts so bad right now. You just want to curl up in a ball and sleep forever and forget the outside world. As cliche as it sounds, you will move on and you will find someone else. Or maybe you two will reconnect later on when everything gets sorted out. I know how hard it is to continue on with your life but you need to in order to survive. You have a place where you can come to talk with people of the same ilk as you in this forum so whenever you're feeling blue, know that you have support. I understand its better to have local support because being in the presence of others is way more gratifying than through the interwebs. Hopefully the local support group pans out for you and you're able to connect with people you meet in the group. I wish you all the best and know exactly how you feel but we can't give up and let depression keep us down because if we do that then we'll never be able to get back up. Hang in there, you got this. =)

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