I did not properly disclose having herpes to the guy I had sex with. I am ashamed & need to tell him.

[Myprofile123]

I’m 27 and was first diagnosed with hsv 1 when I was 19. The first outbreak sucked, but since then, I had no symptoms. I’ve been seeing this guy and we’ve had sex several times, with a condom each time. I honestly started to forget I even had the herpes. So we had very rough sex and he was big. I was also under a lot of stress and sleep deprived, so I felt like for the first time, it was starting to trigger an outbreak. I felt sore down there. He invited me over and I told myself we wouldn’t have sex.. but I got really drunk and I wasn’t thinking. We did it without a condom. 

Afterwards, I vaguely remember us talking about our std status.. he said as long as I don’t have hsv 2 and the vibe changed. I told him that there are diff strains of herpes, colds sores are herpes.. and that’s the kind I have, but down there. he asked if I had genital herpes. I said no but I had cold sores & he said it’s fine. So I lied. He said to me that he was going to trust me because he believed I was a good person. I wanted to believe my lie in that moment. I wanted to justify that the type I have is just type 1, that I haven’t had to deal with this shit for all these years... I wanted to believe It. 

Looking back, i am ashamed and feel the need to come clean about it. Alcohol is no excuse, but I didn’t feel I was able to explain to him while I was that drunk. I’ve never given anyone anything all the years I’ve had sex and really wanted to believe that I couldn’t his time either.

I really like this guy and feel so guilty. I’m afraid he’ll dump me and I def wouldn’t blame him. He’s gone for a week and a half and I feel like I have to have this discussion. But idk how. I just told a half truth and lied to his face.

[100918]

I'm not exactly sure where you lied. He asked if you have HSV2, which you don't. You told him that you have HSV1, but genitally. He said it was fine. Am I missing something?

I totally get that you feel like you may have been less than forthcoming, which is something you can remedy. I'm just not sure that you lied, based on what you said. If you feel like you may have somehow misled him, then you can always bring that up in conversation next time you see him. Just let him know that you wanted to make sure that he fully understood what you were telling him and clarify it for him. 

My boyfriend knows that I have HSV2 (asymptomatic, but still), and he does not care even a little bit about it. If this guy has feelings for you, he won't be spooked by you clarifying things when you're sober. 

[My_dog_is_hungry]

@100918 a cold sore on the genitals is herpes. @Myprofile123 used semantics and shifty explanations to trick this person who isn't educated about herpes. Definitely a lie. People need to move on from thinking that there is a difference between ghsv1 and ghsv2. There is no good or bad herpes.

[100918]

6 hours ago, My_dog_is_hungry said:

@100918 a cold sore on the genitals is herpes. @Myprofile123 used semantics and shifty explanations to trick this person who isn't educated about herpes. Definitely a lie. People need to move on from thinking that there is a difference between ghsv1 and ghsv2. There is no good or bad herpes.

The OP clearly said that she told him that she has cold sores and that cold sores are also herpes...and that she has them on her genitals. Where exactly is the lie?

I acknowledged that she was less than forthcoming, but she did not LIE where I can see. And you'll also see that I did advise her to talk to him and clarify to make sure he fully understands. Hows about you get off your high horse? I am VERY educated about it. However, the OP did not lie. Yes, she downplayed it. But she did not lie. And she can remedy that by having a conversation...which I did recommend.

[tiredandlonely]

 

On 5/30/2019 at 9:53 PM, 100918 said:

The OP clearly said that she told him that she has cold sores and that cold sores are also herpes...and that she has them on her genitals. Where exactly is the lie?

When he asked if she had genital herpes she said "no." gHSV-1 is genital herpes.

My impression is that she tried to discuss this with him, but chickened out. When he asked for clarification ("Do you have genital herpes?") she said "no" and that is a lie. It's understandable - we all get nervous and OP was drunk and not in a good state, but it's not honest.

It sounds like the guy is not informed about herpes, and that this is a good opportunity to educate him.

While the vagueness and ultimate dishonesty are problematic, I am more concerned that OP mentions that she had sex with the guy several times before the discussion even took place. She says that they used condoms and she did not have symptoms, but disclosure should occur before sex. 

I contracted herpes from a guy who I only ever had sex with using condoms and he was asymptomatic (he has still never had symptoms). While transmission is less likely to occur, using condoms and refraining from sex during outbreaks does not replace disclosure.

 

[Bambina3]

I’m not going to sit here and analyze this, and neither should you.  If your heart feels you need to have further conversation with him, then do it.  If not, move forward and if the situation presents itself again, just tell him.  

Really, don’t waste time worrying, enjoy life.