Heartbroken

[Lisbeth]

I just found out I have hsv1 and 2. I feel devastated and depressed. Even more so because I know who gave it to me and it should’ve never happened. My step dad passed away a few years ago which sent my mother into a deep depression. In an effort to help her I started to hang with her more and she got hooked on going to a male strip club. The guys were super nice and attentive so I think it made her feel good. I met one in particular and we would talk everytime we went just a normal guy really friendly and listened to my problems because I was going through a break up at the time. There was a lot of attraction between us. Long story short we slept together a few times outside of the strip club, but the more I thought about it I just didn’t see myself dating a stripper so I distanced myself and stopped going all together. I never had any issues down there. I worked things out with my ex and we got back together we’ve been back together for about a year. No problems down there for either of us. I never went back to the club or talked to the dancer again. Til one day for a bachelorette party which was going to be held there which I dreaded going there and seeing him. I didn’t think it would be a problem though I would just distance myself from him. So I went with a group of ppl. We were all drinking and having a good time just celebrating. Then he saw me and we talked a little just asked how I been and everything. He asked if I wanted a dance I told him no not right now. And he was like come on so I didn’t think anything of it just a dance nothing more. The problem was as he was dancing on me he was rubbing himself on me next then I know he put himself in me. I was in shock he took it out quickly but I immediately felt ashamed of myself. I love the person I am with so much I just couldn’t believe I allowed that. The weeks that followed I felt ashamed and guilty. Weeks later I started experiencing some uncomfort down there so I started diagnosing myself I thought bladder infection or yeast infection. I took meds for both but the problem and irritation still seemed to hang around. I made an appointment with my gyno they tested me for everything. Then I got the call that just sent me world upside down. She told me I tested positive for both hsv1 and 2. As soon as I found out I told my boyfriend but i didn’t tell him how I got it because I am still ashamed. He told me we will figure it out and he still loves me, but if I tell him how I don’t think he would feel the same I betrayed him. I messaged the dancer on fb and asked him if he had herpes and he confirmed he got it after we had messed around the year before. He says he didn’t know and didn’t think I got it since he just stuck it in and out. I am not sure where to go from here I feel kind of lost. I feel ashamed I don’t want to tell anyone because I don’t want them to look at me differently. 

[Major Living Regrets]

Hi Lisbeth,

     You are not a horrible person because people make worse mistakes everyday. I am glad you were truthful about having the virus, but eventually you will have to conjure up the strength to tell the man you love the ENTIRE truth. By the sound of things, he seems to be a very decent man. He was able to use his adult brain and skills to accept you no matter what. Remember he bypassed all of the initial stigma, emotions, and degrading blame  regarding you being positive and moved forward. If he truly loves you (which it seems he really does) he will be quite upset for sometime or he may even try to get even with you, but eventually he will come to his senses and say “Fuck it, because it didn’t mean anything. Your mine”. Trust me I know the hardest part is the guilt trip rollercoaster we take ourselves on over and over again. The outcome will never change and you will forever be on that ride knowing you didn’t provide him with the details about how you contracted it. Also, please make sure he gets tested and he is not the one who passed it to you first and vice versa. 

[Lisbeth]

In the days that have past it has been a roller coaster of emotions one mistake and this virus stays with you forever 😢. Just been crying myself to sleep every night the thought of sex makes me sick. Just don’t know how to overcome this feeling of being disgusting. The only thing that helped me was when I broke down and told my mom. She told me she also had it I was worried she would be embarrassed of me. I’m trying not to think about it but it’s all I can think about every minute of the day. Sometimes I feel like breaking up with the person I’m with just cause I don’t want them to end up with this. Even though they love me I would die if I gave this to someone else. 😭

[Bambina3]

Trust me, after my diagnosis and probably the next year or so, I was on an awful roller coaster—it does get better.  Hugs !!

[Lisbeth]

Thank you for your kind words. I am just coming to grips with the fact that I have this now, but I have to keep going. I have a daughter I don’t want her to see me depressed daily. Trying my hardest to keep a positive outlook. I finally contacted my doctor to get some medicine for the irritation I was having down there and after one day I already feel a difference. After doing a lot of research I realized the stigma around this virus is much worse than the virus itself. Thankful for being able to connect with others who are going through the same thing.