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I recently met a man from online dating and we have been talking every day for at least 2 months.  We have gone out 3-4 times and we spend hours talking and enjoying each other's company.  Last weekend, I went to his apartment and he cooked dinner and we had a great evening.  Things got a little heated not long before I was supposed to leave and I felt I needed to have the disclosure talk with him.  I stopped the fireworks (still had our clothes on) and told him that I needed to be honest and up front about myself.  I shared with him that I had been given herpes from an unfaithful ex and I felt he needed to make the informed decision about how to proceed when it comes to sexual intimacy.  He was super sweet and said he wasn't prepared for what was happening and he would have to go to the store so he asked if we could wait until this weekend and he would come to my house "more prepared".  I was ok with that.  Over the course of the week I felt like something was different but he was still texting every morning and throughout the day.  I thought maybe I was over analyzing and preparing myself for the worst.  He texted today and said he has had a restless couple of nights since and that he gets checked regularly to make sure he is "clean".  He said he is seriously concerned with getting sexually involved.  He said "I really like you and enjoy your company.  Can we perhaps just go back to enjoying the company & laughs and put any intimacy up on the shelf?  Please?"  I asked if the intimacy would be on the shelf indefinitely and/or permanently and he responded with indefinitely but not permanently.  He also said he has been reading up on it while at work/lunches.  Is this a rejection or do I take it as he cares enough to research and learn and make a better decision later?  I am trying to resist the urge to run to protect myself because I really like him and the time we share together.  HELP!!

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When you disclosed, did you give him any information or resources about herpes/explain how you can practice safe sex to reduce his chances of getting it?

I think a lot of people do not understand herpes very well, and in my experience it was helpful to explain how herpes is transmitted and the steps I was taking to prevent my partner (eg, antivirals/condoms/etc), and the general statistics associated with transmission (the stats are quite low from female to male, and one guy I disclosed to said, "I'll take the risk - I like my odds.")

I am not entirely sure what's going to happen with this guy. You two obviously have a connection, but he is scared/concerned for himself and I think that is normal - to an extent. 

I think that he is entitled to some time to figure out what he wants, but there is a limit. "Indefinitely" isn't fair to you. I wouldn't push or pressure him (that never works), but I think you should set a limit for yourself on how long you are willing to wait. It's already been a week, so if it were me I might give him one more week. But if he can't make up his mind, you will need to move on from this guy. You deserve more.

In the meantime, I would suggest that you try to distance yourself and perhaps date some other people to distract yourself so that you are not spending all of your time with him/talking to him/thinking about him. Let him miss you a little bit while he figures this out. You can still be supportive of him taking his time and be available to answer questions he might have about herpes, but you don't need to be as available as you have been for the past 2 months. 

Remember what you want. I assume you are not dating to make friends; he is putting intimacy on the shelf, but you do want intimacy and you deserve it, so if another week goes by and he still wants to keep intimacy "on the shelf" then I think it's time to move on. 

It totally sucks, but there will be people who aren't able to get past this diagnosis. But there are also a lot of people who won't be bothered by it at all. 

 

 


 

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My username is "tiredandlonely" because I joined back when I was first diagnosed and I don't know how to change it now. I'm not tired and lonely anymore. Still tired sometimes though 🙂

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Thank you for the kind and encouraging words.  He called tonight on his way home from meeting friends earlier and we talked for almost an hour.  Conversation was as good as usual but I chickened out on talking to him about it as we are still making plans to go out on Sunday.  I feel like it is better to have these real conversations on person and not over the phone or via text.  Praying all goes well but will strongly consider your advice to limit the time to think that he has in order to be fair to myself.  Thank you again!

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When I was first diagnosed (by blood test, no symptoms), I disclosed to a guy I had just started dating. He initially fully rejected me, but then he changed his mind and decided he wanted to be with me. I then rejected him, but we stayed friends. However, over the couple months that followed, he continued to flirt and make comments about wanting to be with me. I was toying with the idea as more of a FWB thing (even though I have never wanted to be a FWB), but then met my boyfriend that I have now. He fully accepted me and we have an insane connection.

The first guy is now completely butt-hurt that I am with someone else and that he lost out.

I have come to learn that men really respond to the idea of losing someone they really care for. If this guy knows that you will walk away, even though you really like him, he may re-evaluate how he feels about everything and decide that he is willing to take whatever risk there is, with appropriate precautions. I am NOT suggesting you try to manipulate him into being intimate with you. I am saying that you need to be willing to walk away from someone who is not meeting your needs and standards. If you walk away in a loving way (for example, "I really like you and I see a lot of potential in us, but I am not looking for a platonic relationship. I don't want to hold you back either, so I think it's best that we go our ways. If you decide that you want more with me, I can't promise that I will be waiting for you, but please know that I care about you and want the best for you"), he may decide that he doesn't want to lose you and that he does want to take that next step with you. And then it is up to you as to whether you give the relationship a second chance.

I have done this once, but not regarding H. It was a different circumstance, but I walked away all the same. I told him that I wanted the best for him and for him to be happy, and that I couldn't promise I would be here waiting if he decided that we really were that great together. He took less than a day to think about what I said before reaching out and telling me that he didn't want to lose me. 

All that to say, do not settle for less than you deserve. If he is not meeting your standard, then he's not right for you.

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Don’t settle, if he said indefinitely I’d remain friends and look to move on, treasure what you have, nourish it, maybe it will grow once he’s educated on the subject..in the meantime don’t hold up your life.  Keep trucking you deserve it 😀

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