Had sex, didn't disclose, now scared

[scaredandconfused13]

So I have type 2 and was diagnosed about 5 years ago. The last outbreak i had was well over a year ago. I recently ended a long relationship that I disclosed at the start because it was right around the time i was diagnosed. To be perfectly honest I forget that i even have it because it has been so long since i have had an outbreak or any kind of symptoms. The relationship I was in made me forget as well because we never really talked about it after I disclosed and it was all fine. Well I am single now and I messed up royally with a family friend.

So here is where my problem lies and where I could use all the advice. I was at a wedding and saw a family friend. I didn't plan on having sex with anyone, but unfortunately I was drinking and one thing led to another. The next day we were hanging out, but it didn't lead to sex. We did use a condom and thankfully it didn't break. I completely spaced that i even had herpes until today when a close family member brought it up to me. How do I tell this guy and disclose to him when we already had sex? How do I reiterate that I didn't mean to fool him or be sneaky at all, I just forget because haven't had an outbreak in so long that i forget sometimes. Plus, i really like this guy and i don't know what to say or how to say it. I appreciate all the advice and I am going out of my mind trying to figure out the best way to say it.

[scaredandconfused13]

I just want to say that i plan on telling him. I wasn't disclosed to when I contracted it and I done plan on being that person. 

[100918]

You may already be that person. You had sex with someone without disclosing and it is possible, though low likelihood, that you gave it to him. 

Personally, I don't buy that you forgot that you have HSV-2. It's not something that you forget. I have never had an OB, but I can promise you that when I started seeing my boyfriend, it was at the front of my mind as something I knew I was going to need to tell him. And even though it's the same situation as your previous relationship where we don't even talk about it since because I've never had an OB and he is fine with knowing my status, it is still something that I am aware that I have. Every day, I am aware that I have it. 

I would not go the route of "I forgot that I have herpes" with this guy. He probably won't believe it either. I would be honest that you were drunk and that you screwed up by not disclosing. I would say that you are very sorry for not telling him beforehand, and that you have been trying to figure out how to tell him ever since. 

How long ago did you have sex with him? Your post doesn't say. If it's been more than a couple weeks and he hasn't come to you to ask you if you have it (meaning...if he hasn't had an initial outbreak), then it's most likely that he was not exposed during that encounter. However, you still have to tell him...it might lessen the blow to him if it has been a couple weeks to know that he likely was not exposed and it may help him to understand the risks are fairly low. But, be prepared that he may not take it well.

In my case, I disclosed before we had sex...but it was seriously right before we had sex...as in, had to stop him so we could sit and I could disclose. And I was thrilled when he very clearly was not bothered at all by it and still wanted to continue. I did worry that perhaps he wasn't thinking clearly because it was heat of the moment and we were drinking (but not drunk), but the next day, he acknowledged it and was very clear that it is not an issue for him. We've been together for almost 5 months now. It's still a non-issue and he is still negative. We stopped using protection a couple months ago, too, and I'm not on antivirals.

I tell you about my situation because it's very possible that the guy you slept with may have the same reaction as my guy. But, you need to just own it, admit it, apologize, and see how he wants to proceed. Be prepared for either reaction.

I wish I had more advice on the "how" to tell him...but all I can say is to just take a deep breath and tell him. Don't try to sugarcoat it. You messed up and he needs to know. He will appreciate your honesty, even if not in the moment.