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hazeleyes44

Do you feel you have to lower your standards to date?

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I feel like my dating pool has been significantly reduced since not everyone will be ok with HSV. Do you feel you have to lower your standards to be accepted? 

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I get nervous right now thinking about dating . However, I definitely agree. I feel my pool will be lower and I will have to lower my standards 😢.  I’ve also read a lot of success stories up here but I am still in a place where I feel it’s not going to happen for me. 

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I RAISED my standards. When I was diagnosed, I was dating someone who was decent. Not everything I envisioned, so in a way, he was already not what I fully wanted, but he was nice. It was more of the superficial things that he didn't meet...like height, education level, made less than I do...so I looked past that. But when I disclosed and he rejected me (even though only for about a week), I decided that I deserve better.

I set my standards higher than I ever had before, and ended up meeting someone who exceeds even those standards. And he accepts me and my diagnosis with no issues at all. He is also the kindest man I have ever dated and makes me feel like a princess.

Do NOT lower your standards. HSV does not make you a lesser person. Do not accept a lesser person as a partner. KNOW YOUR VALUE and demand that someone meets the standards that show that they know your value and their value. 

You may need to take time to work on self-love for a bit because you attract what you put out into the world. So, if you are putting out the vibe that you do not value yourself or feel there is something "wrong" with you, you will attract someone who does not value you and will see this as a something wrong with you. When you put out the vibe that you are amazing and worthy of the very best, that is what you will attract...you may still attract some toads, too...but you will also attract quality men. Weed through and toss the toads.

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@100918 can I just say how awesome you are. You literally have changed my whole attitude about myself this weekend and you have no idea how valuable that is so thank you!! 

@Teach28 hang in there, I’m confident this will get easier and will be one of the least of your concerns in life. 

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Definitely don't lower your standards. No, not everyone is going to be okay with HSV, but a lot of people will. I agree with 100918; I raised my standards and was more selective after I got HSV-2. I didn't want to be vulnerable with just anyone. 

Before I had HSV-2, I was really guarded in relationships (this is because of a really bad experience with breaking off an engagement when I was younger). I had a lot of 6 month-ish relationships that ended because we never really became close and our time just kind of ran out. I didn't want to be vulnerable and I didn't share myself with those guys because I was terrified they would hurt me.

After I got HSV-2 and realized I had to disclose to people, I spent a lot of time looking inward to remind myself of why I was so valuable and worth loving. it was terrifying to me to open up and share that I had HSV-2, but when I did and was accepted, I felt connected to the guys and accepted in a way I never had before. It was really uplifting and it helped me to share more of myself in general.

It did result in more heartbreak for me because when you create a stronger connection and stronger bond, it hurts more when the relationship ends. But through this process, I found my husband. He is HSV-2 negative and we do everything sex-wise that I did before HSV-2. I'm honestly not sure if I would have found my husband (who is the best man I know) and connected with him the way I did if I didn't have HSV-2.

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My username is "tiredandlonely" because I joined back when I was first diagnosed and I don't know how to change it now. I'm not tired and lonely anymore. Still tired sometimes though 🙂

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Thank you both @tiredandlonely and @100918 for your encouraging words and stories . I just recently got diagnosed last week and every waking moment I’m trying to push thoughts, possibilities, and different situations out of my mind . I’m sure this will overwhelm me for some time seeing as it’s so fresh. I’m just literally trying to make it through each day. Thank you both again for giving this thread some positivity. 

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I feel strange now if I find someone attractive, like once they find out they would be horrified. so I haven't dated in the two years of knowing. I did disclose to my sons dad and he is fine with it and wants to try again but he is in a sober living house and I think its way too soon, he was just homeless and has nothing

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oh and I want to add how he was so happy to come to my work to show me his clean bill of health minus being tested for hsv 1 & 2 so who really knows if he has it or not. 

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Never ever, No way!

why should you lower your standards because you have HSV?

Date the same as you always did before, the only difference is you need to disclose,
if they reject you, just move on & go again!

I know it can hurt getting rejected, I've been there but it never stopped me from trying again.

The biggest thing is in your own head, having HSV is not a death sentence, far from it 😉

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12 hours ago, Amando said:

Never ever, No way!

why should you lower your standards because you have HSV?

Date the same as you always did before, the only difference is you need to disclose,
if they reject you, just move on & go again!

I know it can hurt getting rejected, I've been there but it never stopped me from trying again.

The biggest thing is in your own head, having HSV is not a death sentence, far from it 😉

That’s easy to say to someone who has no problem getting dates, get rejected and try again, but when you really struggle and only date once in a while those rejections are BRUTAL. I’m at the point that I’d rather lower my standards and be with someone than be alone forever. 

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2 hours ago, hazeleyes44 said:

That’s easy to say to someone who has no problem getting dates, get rejected and try again, but when you really struggle and only date once in a while those rejections are BRUTAL. I’m at the point that I’d rather lower my standards and be with someone than be alone forever. 

I'm going to repeat what I said above...especially after reading this...

You may need to take time to work on self-love for a bit because you attract what you put out into the world. So, if you are putting out the vibe that you do not value yourself or feel there is something "wrong" with you, you will attract someone who does not value you and will see this as a something wrong with you. When you put out the vibe that you are amazing and worthy of the very best, that is what you will attract...you may still attract some toads, too...but you will also attract quality men. Weed through and toss the toads.

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I totally agree the with the other posters; No! You do not have to lower your standards!  But I get why you may initially feel that way and I think I may have done that myself in my 20's and early 30's. (It took  a looong time for me to accept having HSV- ugg, please don't waste as many years as I did, its really not necessary lol!).  Accept for the  occasional poor judge of character (which usually happens when I'm infatuated with something superficial), I date men (the serious relationships) that I truly like, am attracted to, and feel meet my standards.   On a related note I watch single co-workers and friends who presumably don't have HSV date people that the rest of us sit back shaking our heads and wondering what the hell are they thinking???    Gotta learn to love and respect yourself and look for the important qualities that matter!

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On 7/4/2019 at 1:17 AM, hazeleyes44 said:

That’s easy to say to someone who has no problem getting dates, get rejected and try again, but when you really struggle and only date once in a while those rejections are BRUTAL. I’m at the point that I’d rather lower my standards and be with someone than be alone forever. 

Personally I think its like anything in life, what you put in is what you get back.

If you try enough to date, you will succeed.

I did not end up on this website because I have HSV,
I ended up here because of the hurt of a brutal rejection, so I know that feeling far to well.
But I am incredibly stubborn, I will not be held back by any of this shit!

As others above have said, work on your own self esteem, because once you love & believe in yourself
you are more than halfway there.

I believe you can find true happiness with someone special & so should you 😉

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I raised my standards as well, although not at first. I actually let two loser exes come back into the picture just because I didn't think anyone else would want me. After that I decided to spend some time just working on myself and didn't date at all for a while. My current boyfriend sought me out and pursued me and didn't run away when I told him.

Granted, I've never actually been rejected, not even after I got herpes. The person that gave it to me ghosted me afterward, which was very painful and messed me up in the head pretty bad.

But I truly believe if you are patient and wait for someone that really wants to be with you it won't matter. 

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