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DoesntDefineMe

Constant roller coaster

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I have to be honest, I am really struggling on accepting the fact that I will have HSV2 for the rest of my life. I am on a constant emotional roller coaster and I don’t feel like anyone understands. My anger towards the man that gave this to me is only getting worse. I trusted him. I forgave him. And then I find myself alone and watching as this guy goes through multiple girls that, like me, trust him and have no idea of what he is capable of. I feel foolish for falling for this narcissist. I feel defeated. And I feel unworthy.  I have a daughter that I stay strong for but she is the ONLY reason I am able to keep a smile on my face and keep pushing through. 

I left an alcoholic husband to better my life and my daughters life. I dated ONE guy afterwards who made me feel like I hit the jackpot. He was charming, attentive, motivating, supportive and seemed to want all the things I wanted in life. He gave me HSV2 and then left me to handle it on my own. Yet he’s just going around enjoying life and pretending he doesn’t have it. I can’t wrap my head around how someone could do this to another person. 

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I'm sorry you're going through it! (I love your screen name, by the way. It's true.) It's helpful to keep the perspective that even though herpes is for life, these feelings that you are feeling don't have to be for life. Your emotions and beliefs can and certainly will change ... with time, yes, but also with changing your perspective, with forgiving yourself (for falling for a narcissist, for getting herpes, for being human).

I know it's effing hard to watch this guy go out and galavant around (seemingly) living it up, but be good to yourself by not overthinking it or obsessing over the unfairness of it all. Instead, focus on your daughter. Focus on her bright light. Don't waste your precious attention on this guy's darkness. What you focus on truly does become stronger. What you focus on is magnetized to bring you more of the same.

And hey, even though it may seem like this dude is living a great life from your vantage point, you don't really know what's going on for him behind the scenes (in other words, be careful not to compare his outsides to your insides — a truly unfair recipe for comparison fatigue). Life and the world has a way of working with people who don't act with integrity; eventually, it bites them in the ass, humbles them, changes them. And even if he gets away with his unscrupulous ways, know that is not a very deep or satisfying way to live. If anything, over time as you forgive yourself more and more, you may even start to feel compassion for this man who by the sounds of it is lost, hasn't been humbled to be able to see the light of how to live from his depth and authenticity. 

As they say (and "they" know what's up), the best revenge you can exact is by living your best life, by growing from this and becoming even more of a heartfelt, compassionate ninja badass than you've ever been. 

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