[He’s pulling the slow fade/ghosting after I disclosed]

On 10/4/2018 at 12:13 PM, coeur age said:

I feel your pain. What you wrote is exactly what happened to me 5 nights ago. We had gone on 4 really fun dates and spent hours on the phone in easy fun connection. 

We both drank a lot as we were in a dance venue and knowing we would bedrinking made me feel it would give me liquid courage for later. When he pulled up in front of my house I blurted it out, got nervous and as I quickly exited the car I told him to think about it. He kissed me and told me he would call the next day, but didn’t. So I was dealing with that plus a hangover. I decided to reach out later by text to ask what he might be thinking or if he had any questions. He told me it was too hard and he would call the next day.

Well, he did call and talked and talked as if nothing was different for 45 minutes! I kept waiting and finally truly got sleepy and said I needed to go to sleep. 

Since then, nada. 

I feel the worst part is that I delivered the information so badly. I am mad at myself for that part. I feel shameful. 

The shame is a shitty feeling and even though I have conversed with the guy And feel better for calling him out for ghosting I still feel a little shame in the way I handled it but it’s all a learning experience for the next time. 

 

If you’re still feeling anxious and nervous I would just shoot him a text and say hey I don’t want to be a nag or bother you but maybe you could let me know by the end of the week

[He’s pulling the slow fade/ghosting after I disclosed]

Hey everybody!

 

Thank you so much for all of your comments. So here’s what happened...I decided to reach out to him and this is what I said 

 

“Hope all is well!  I just want to say it was so nice meeting you and sharing some laughs and great meals, but it seems pretty obvious through your drastic change in communication with me that you’ve decided that you are no longer interested in seeing me anymore. I am a mature and open adult who was vulnerable and shared the information about me being an asymptomatic carrier for the herpes virus because i felt we had a connection and could see us potentially being great together. I take full responsibility in that I could have presented the information more calmly and done a WAY better job of explaining the facts to you. The fact is I got it from an ex.  Turns out 1 in 6 people have it and it’s very manageable.  Asymptomatic carriers don’t have breakouts and the virus is in the same family as chicken pox. There is just a huge societal stigma attached to it. I’m sure it freaked you out t and I can’t be mad at you for being scared but I do wish you would have asked me questions or would have been honest about not moving forward instead of just stopping communication. Being ghosted on is a shitty feeling: I find it to be quite disrespectful. 

Here is an article I hope you take a moment to read to better educate yourself on why herpes isn’t a big deal https://www.primermagazine.com/2016/learn/the-girl-im-dating-just-told-me-
she-has-herpes

I’m sorry you couldn’t see past that and see me for the wonderful woman and full package that I am. “

 

He he ended up calling me and we spoke for about 45 minutes.  He said that he just got freaked out and didn’t know how to move forward because he did not want to say anything to offend me. He also said that he read the article and did some more reading online and was grateful to be educated on how common it is and that he should actually go get himself checked because he’s never done that and it’s important to take care of our own bodies in as we get older and know things about us. He said he could have diabetes and not even know and that’s more life-threatening then herpes which I explained is not life-threatening. It was a really nice conversation but it did not end with us saying we’ll talk again or see each other soon and I haven’t heard from him since then but I will be honest that speaking my truth and calling him out for ghosting was really i he said that he just got freaked out and didn’t know how to move forward because he did not want to say anything to offend me. He also said that he read the article and did some more reading online and was grateful to be educated on how common it is and that he should actually go get himself checked because he’s never done that and it’s important to take care of our own bodies and as we get older no things about us. He said he could have diabetes and not even knowing that’s more life-threatening than herpes which I explained is not life-threatening. It was a really nice conversation but it did not end with us saying we’ll talk again or see each other soon and I haven’t heard from him since then but I will be honest that speaking my truth and calling him out for ghosting was really empowering.   He did admit that he acted like an asshole and I should never be made to feel like I’m a leper or wearing a scarlet Letter.

 

I have definitely learned from this experience that I should wait before I can make sure they are absolutely in love with me And that I am in love with them and want to move forward physically before disclosing.
 

And the truth is the right person won’t care.

[He’s pulling the slow fade/ghosting after I disclosed]

26 minutes ago, Strength123 said:

@BostonBuddy07

The slow fade method is all too familiar to me. I would say from his actions that he is indeed uncomfortable with the HSV 2. If you feel some of the hesitance is caused by the delivery of the disclosure then I would make one final effort to have it again, even over a call or text if that's easiest. I would say something along the lines of " I have really enjoyeed getting to know you. I have felt some distance since I disclosed about my HSV 2. I'm not happy with the way I disclosed and just wanted to reach out and see if I can answer any questions you have about it. Many people have it and it's a very manageable virus etc.etc." of course, put it in your own words. But after that opportinity for conversation I think you will feel more comfortable no matter how it turns out. I'm wishing you all the best. Please let us know how it goes

Warmly,

Strength123

I think for my self esteem and ego it would make me feel better to reach out again.  It how long do I wait before doing that? We spoke on the phone yesterday am (i called him) and kept acting like my normal self. We have tentative plans for this weekend but i have a feeling I won’t hear from him. I’m thinking after this weekend I’ll call him or shoot him that text? On the other hand, a lot of relationship coaches say if I guy ghosts you, move on, don’t make contact. I’m torn. 

[He’s pulling the slow fade/ghosting after I disclosed]

I was recently diagnosed with HSV2 about 6 months ago. I went through all  of the emotions and quickly came to  accept it.  

The first gentleman that I told after receiving my diagnosis did not run away we continued to have physical contact with each other but he was never really more than just a hook up.  Fast forward to about four months later and I recently started seeing somebody who I felt a strong connection with and who was calling me every single day and texting me in the morning “good morning have a wonderful day”  and all of the sweet stuff.  We have been on three dates but spoke every day on the phone for about a month and I really felt a strong bond and felt like he could be my person. The only thing we had done was kiss but I figured it would be responsible of me to disclose to him before clothes started to come off. I’ve read on here and other forums the best way to disclose is with confidence and to sit down with all the facts which I’ve done in the past, but this time was different.

We went out and had a really great time but ended up drinking more than we both anticipated and while making out I stopped and got really nervous and a couple tears started to fall down my face and I looked at him and said “ I have something to share with you, it’s not that big of a deal but I am asymptomatic carrier for the HSV 2 virus. about 85% of people have it don’t even know they have it it’s really not that big of a deal“  and then I kind of quickly changed the subject.   He was very sweet in the moment and said “that must’ve been really hard for you to tell me and really brave so thank you”  and then we went right back to making out .   We spoke the next day on the phone and then two days later and we were talking about hanging out over the weekend and he said he was really busy but he’s not going anywhere which made me feel really confident because following the disclosure I was riddled with anxiety because I didn’t do it with confidence.   Ever since then I have not heard from him; he stop calling me, he stoped texting  but still watches all my Instagram stories. I decided to pick up the phone and called him and he picked up which was a good sign but the first words out of his mouth was how busy he’s been how busy he is.  It’s pretty clear to me that I freaked him out and I just wish my delivery was better so I’m literally not sleeping because I’m riddled with guilt and anxiety for delivering the news in the way that I did. Did I just disclose too soon? Do you think if I would’ve delivered it in a different way he would’ve stayed around? I have a feeling I’m not going to hear from him so I’m not sure if I should just let it go or in a few weeks send them a text and say “I know I scared you off with the information I shared and I think I could’ve done a better job of educating you” and then send him some links  and hope that he reads up for the future because the truth is one in five women have it so...

 

pleae help, i can’t shake the guilt and shame.  I currently feel like I never ever want to date or disclose ever again.